Caged

[TooLiteral]

This is a long story.

But I'll shorten it up as best I can.

I married my spouse because I was pregnant. He was emotionally unstable, abused by family, and inexperienced with women, but driven, hard-working, and excited to have a child.

It seemed like my life was full of illness. My pregnancy was hard, and me and the baby almost died. I had cancer when he was 2. Was then dx'd with 2 autoimmune diseases over the course of a few years.

My spouse struggled with my illnesses, his own demons, keeping us in a house and with food, and work. I didnt work because we couldnt afford daycare. His outbursts were brutal, usually ending in fist-sized holes in the wall or him leaving in the middle of the night. Of course everything was my fault. We'd be in a better situation if I applied myself, if I took initiative, if I wasn't so lazy....

Our son was diagnosed with autism and Tourette when he was 8. By then I had already figured it out and was homeschooling him. By that time I had no friends, saw my family once a month, was falling apart inside and out... Every thing that went wrong in our lives was due to my negligence. Or my incompitence. I was scared to make any decisions by myself. Scared to laugh to loudly for fear of being told to shut up, but scared to not laugh at all for fear of being told I'm being cold.

Caged. For 15 years I've been caged.
The only difference now is that I have an army of information behind me.

[bloomie]

TooLiteral - my heart breaks for all that you are enduring. Empowering yourself with information, tools, resources and building a support system around yourself takes a great deal of energy and courage. I am really grateful you are part of the community here and have let us see a tiny snap shot of how truly hard life is. Just here 'listening' and wanting to let you know you are not alone.

Dropping a link to our international list of resources in case you would find it helpful: https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

Sending you strength and wisdom as you make your way forward and continue to equip yourself.

[TooLiteral]

Thank you, Bloomie. It helps to know there is someone here that is listening.

[ShyTurtle]

The only difference now is that I have an army of information behind me.

Your wisdom through your experiences counts for a lot! One day it will empower you to find a better way. <3

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry you habe lived like this for so long.

I think many here myself included can relate to becoming trapped into a situation where its like holding on for dear life while in a wild ride because letting go and falling into the unknown seems impossible when you have a child to care for.
.
Stay here and read and participate, it helps.  There is also a toolbox section.

There is getting through it all and to the other side of the valley so to speak. That looks different for each person, but there is that better part of the journey even if the road gets bumpier on the way to it.

Please, practice self care. Start living your better life now even its simply having a cup of tea in peace, taking a hit bath or reading a magazine article while smelling your favorite candle.

Take opportunities to listen to music or see art and feel alive.  I homeschooled in hard times also and know its easy to give and give until you almost dont exist anymore.

I hope you stay strong and find your self in a better situation soon.