Triggery statements

[WinterStar]

This is my PD mil. She doesn't accept even a direct "no." Just keeps asking. And pushing. And angling for reasons we'll *have to* say yes this time. They do it on purpose. No one likes being the person who says "NO" all the time. It's exhausting to keep reiterating the same simple boundaries over and over. They sense that. And so they ask and ask and ask in hopes of wearing us down.

So, I used to do this to my husband. He'd say he didn't want to, for example, go to the park today. I became a weird used car salesman, "What can I do to get you in a new car today?" and I had the registration for his current vehicle and kept delaying giving it back. When he relented, I was sure it was because I had convinced him that it was a good idea. I didn't see that I wore him down. In my FOO, this was the only way I ever got what I wanted.

So, I assume my mom has similar beliefs. She probably thinks she's "persuasive" and that people just need a little "encouragement". Her deepest darkest fear is that I dont really like her and that I don't want to spend time with her. If she can convince me to do what she wants, and I act happy while doing it, her fears are temporarily relieved. The sad part is that this behavior and other dysfunctional behavior have caused me to not really like her and not want to spend any time with her.

[Leonor]

Hi WinterStar!

So you've met my mother in law? Just kidding, it's that they are all so alike. My mom is queen bpd narc but who also treated me as a dress up doll, therapist and playmate throughout my really very crappy childhood, and when I started to say, "You know, that was kind of sucky" she went full on waif. Like, after I told her (for the gaziilionth time) that I had been abused as a kid by her h, she later called ME up complaining that she was so distressed about this "news" that she woke up at night unable to breathe. That they had been having this great sex life and "all this time he was hitting on my daughter," sniff sigh.



So Winter at a certain point I just had to finally stand up for that little girl who was just a sweet kid who adored her mommy and was being treated like a toy and dismissed and used as an adult. I had to be the grown up I needed when I was growing up, and I had to speak my truth, clear and out loud, one woman to another. After hundreds of burned letters and deleted emails and long yelling sessions and tears, so mamy tears, I told her the truth. And the truth was, "You were an abusive and neglectful mother, and you are a manipulative and selfish woman."

Now I didn't use those words exactly. I didn't yell or huff or puff, I actually felt empathy for her in my own clarity. I could see how miserable she was, and how her own parents sucked the vibrancy right out of her until all that was left was this brittle shiny shell. But I also felt like the adult woman in me finally stepped into herself, to shield and protect that little girl from more careless cruelty from this hurtful damaged person.

That, for me, was the benefit of speaking my truth to my mom, not to convince her or plead with her or make her feel or understand this or that, or to set off fireworks in my foo ... Just to have that little girl see that an adult, caring woman had her back against anyone and everyone including her own mom.

Now, on that note, my mil is total 100% that waif, and I know absolutely every terrible thing that happened to her from the day she was born, which is what she drags out any time she behaves in some atrocious manner towards her husband or children. And then everyone gets into an hours-long argument that I can quote from in advance like a stage whisperer, because they have it all the time! In that sitch, I say "not my circus" and withdraw. The waifosity is just too much.

What works best for you is what works best, Winter. And when you're feeling the mad, I highly suggest "foam bat, meet sofa cushions!" It's amazing!

[WinterStar]

My mom is queen bpd narc but who also treated me as a dress up doll, therapist and playmate throughout my really very crappy childhood, and when I started to say, "You know, that was kind of sucky" she went full on waif. Like, after I told her (for the gaziilionth time) that I had been abused as a kid by her h, she later called ME up complaining that she was so distressed about this "news" that she woke up at night unable to breathe. That they had been having this great sex life and "all this time he was hitting on my daughter," sniff sigh.



So Winter at a certain point I just had to finally stand up for that little girl who was just a sweet kid who adored her mommy and was being treated like a toy and dismissed and used as an adult. I had to be the grown up I needed when I was growing up, and I had to speak my truth, clear and out loud, one woman to another.

Leonor, I'm sorry that your mother's husband abused you and that your mom made it all about her reaction to that news. That was horrible of her.

I hear what you're saying about needing to be the grown up I needed. I'm not there yet, and child me is pretty upset that there's still no grown up she can consistently rely on.

Now, on that note, my mil is total 100% that waif, and I know absolutely every terrible thing that happened to her from the day she was born, which is what she drags out any time she behaves in some atrocious manner towards her husband or children. And then everyone gets into an hours-long argument that I can quote from in advance like a stage whisperer, because they have it all the time! In that sitch, I say "not my circus" and withdraw. The waifosity is just too much.

What works best for you is what works best, Winter.

"I know absolutely every terrible thing that happened to her from the day she was born." Yes. I actually know a few terrible things that happened to her before she was born too! It's too much. I've been working on a list of all the crap she has dumped on me. It's long and still incomplete. The plan is to complete it and then have some kind of symbolic way that I will "give" the hurts back to her. They're not mine, but I've been carrying them around like they are.

And it's just awful to have her revert back to the hurts over and over again. I haven't been in contact with her much since the pandemic started since
1. We aren't visiting with anyone at all.
2. I gave up phone calls with her years ago, and I wasn't going back now. Clearly, she would be all waify about the current global pandemic and make it all about her, and I've got too much on my plate to subject myself to that garbage.

So, she sent me some longer form emails, and there's just no response to make to any of them. She misses me. Wants to work things out. Wants to have long heart-to-heart. Wants a visit. Wants a phone call. Wants video chats. Life has been hard on her. Here are a list of her wounds. Meanwhile, I'm unexpectedly homeschooling three kids with a newborn during a pandemic. There's no recognition that I'm in a difficult spot. There's no recognition of the pandemic at all. I mean, the only reason we're not having visits is because of the pandemic. She acts like I'm just choosing not to see her with no external factors.

Really, though, the problem is that I've backed off emotionally, and it was a problem for her pre-pandemic. She feels something is off and misses me because I don't reassure her and offer her unlimited sympathy. That's what feels close to her: her dumping on me. What can I even do with that?