I'm over it

[JustKeepTrying]

This past week/month I have had very brief visits with my older (late 20's) DDs - and my only grandchild.  About three hours with them both over the course of two weeks.  They stayed with my ex as he has the house and it was difficult. Very difficult.  My ex has spent weeks on vacation with them and I have been granted a total of perhaps 10 hours over the course of two years.  These children that I have literally sacrificed my life for in protecting them from my ex.  Granted I didn't know I was doing it - but I did.

And my guilt was enormous.  I feel so bad I stayed, so bad I divorced, so bad I carried this generational trauma and poor parenting style, so bad I catered to my husband who was awful because that is what good Catholic wives do, so bad and so bad.

But today while loading the dishwasher I had a glimmer of a thought - you know the kind that sneaks in and you spend the evening chasing it - that little glimmer of understanding - Here it is - Damn them.

They are adults as well.  They are masters educated women who are in therapy themselves.  These women who claim to rush to the side of their sisters when they are injured by their boyfriends but who deny their mother.  These women who have chosen the batterer over the battered.

I tried to talk to them about boundaries. My oldest said it is to go low contact with me and not talk about the past.  My younger daughter told me she would go no contact if not for her granddaughter but all communication would be monitored.  I was told I obviously lied about their father and they want little to do with me.

Well, damn it. 

I want a relationship with them.  But for the time being, it will be from a distance.  I am not going to put myself through anymore.  I will wait it out - he will show himself for who he is and I will continue to support my DS (who my ex kicked out but somehow my DDs feel it is my fault and my son elected to leave and couch surf for his senior year.  Figure that one out.). Ugh.

I yearn for simplicity and constancy.  I left him because I was unwilling to bend to this emotional manipulation.  I am so tired and just done.

[Bunnyme]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  My children are much younger so I dont have experience, but I know how much it can hurt when family members are still in a FOG and turn on you.  I can only imagine when it is your own child.  I am glad you came to the realization that you cant control what they do or how they feel, even if it runs completely contrary to your own truth.  Hugs

[JustKeepTrying]

Looking at yesterday's post, I see the anger and it bothers me.  I am not an angry person but the callous nature of my oldest bothers me.  They have completely taken their father's side and I am gutted by it.

But, I reflected on previous posts and the sage advice I received.  I do need to rest on the fact that I did love them, support them and give them the best life that I could based on the information I had AT THAT TIME.  I need to rest in the love I still have for them.

But at the same time, I do need to be over it and say damn it - maybe not them.  I need to hate the sin not the sinner.  I need to give them their space and tend to myself.  To do anything is controlling and exactly what my ex did to me.

I lived my whole life for them and their loss is felt so deeply.  But with my new health diagnosis, my son making it through high school and entering college and my plans for travel, I need to back up and look at the positives.  With people talking about toxic positivity as a negative, it seems like it's wrong to be positive.  But no, you can be positive just not force it on others.

Thanks for listening Bunnyme.  It helps to share and work this all out.

[notrightinthehead]

There was a time when I used MC and grey rock with my children.  They had been exposed to narcissistic abuse for so long, they  had -at best- fleas.  Working on my Co-Dependency and Caretaker issues let me to re-evaluate all relationships.  Once I decided that I was going to work on myself and my issues - put boundaries in place in all relationships and make sure I was taking care of my needs first, all relationships changed.
Your kids do not need your protection anymore. So maybe it is time to set them free and get in touch with yourself again.

[Kat54]

I understand what you have been through. My two young adult children stayed in the house with my ex. The guilt I've felt not leaving sooner and taking them with me. While he always seemed like the amazing father he portrayed himself to be, he was an emotionally abusive narcissist and still is.
I know they love me but they protected and felt bad for him. His victim act was incredibly destructive to my relationship with them. At one time my daughter didn't speak to me for a Few weeks because of what I put my ex through,  it's was horrible. It didn't matter what he put me through, because they lived with him, they heard his story about what I did every chance he could.
Today a few years later, thankfully my son is moving out on his own. Daughter is becoming his care taker more and more. She's literally replaced me which makes me so so sad to see. She's 23 and young, so I hope she sees the light and breaks free of him.
Our relationship has improved a lot and also in my head I have to realize our relationship is different now. I miss the day to day but it's not my life anymore nor is it theirs. I talk to them every week and always remind them I'm there for anything they need. Once we put the past behind us it got much better.
Encourage your kids to visit, but also put the bad things that happened behind you and form new relationships with them without dragging up any past.

[JustKeepTrying]

Kat54 and notrightinthehead,

Thank you for responding.  I have been struggling with this for awhile and I appreciate your responses more than you can ever know.  It greatly helps.

I am putting together for me the effects of my cPTSD and my problems with emotional regulation.  I have appts with a therapist and I know that together with her, I can make strides in progress for my mental health.

I worked so hard over the largest portion of my life to keep them safe and in retrospect, shield them from my OCPDxh.  Now looking back since I left, I see his victim act and their fleas.  From a post over a year ago, a wise person told me that I need to "rest in the belief that I did what I could the best that I could with the knowledge I had at the time."  And that is accurate.  Like you both said, I need to step back and let them live their lives; let them know I am here and use the toolbox for all future interactions.  I will work with my therapist to develop those tools. 

I struggle with them and maintaining them and knowing when to use them.  I think I have trouble dismissing the swirl of emotion and thinking logically, remembering to wait/pause and use the tools.  I am in my mid 50's and my life has been spent with PDs.  I am not sure how else to live.

Fortunately, I have a plan to travel in the fall after my son starts school.  I will rest in the wilderness of the national parks and heal.  Until then I will work with therapists to lay groundwork for that healing.  Until then, I will follow the preferred contact of my children and try to support them best that I can.

Thank you all for allowing me the place to work through these difficult feelings.  I am facing a difficult late summer and fall and with your advice, I believe I will have a plan in place for the transition.