Physical damage from being around a PD person

[GentleSoul]

Hello all

I wanted to check in and just share a little about the physical damage in my body caused from the stress of being around a PD husband.

It is now five months since my PD husband died.  My body is healing but I was utterly shocked at the extent of the damage of the 24/7 stress being with him created in me. 

The stress hormones have now completely stopped.   I can literally feel the internal battering of my body from these stress hormones racing my nervous system all the time for so long.

I think as my body has now relaxed I can feel it, when late hubby here I was so tense I couldn't really feel it. My body was one big mass of tension.  All my joints were virtually locked. 

When they first started to unlock, oh my goodness the soreness.   This took quite a while to go, I had to use anti-inflammatory meds to support this. 

My range of movement was limited as well yet I somehow didn't really notice this.  I do remember at a gym class a couple years ago, an instructor was helping me with a move and he commented how limited my range was.  This was in upper back, neck area.  It didn't really register on me.   

I am working to heal my physical body as well as my mind.  Great self care, good quality healthy food, lots of fluids, gentle exercise in Nature, lots of rest.  I avoid toxic people like the plague.

I do wonder if late hubby had been around for a few more years what extent the damage would have been in me.  Stress can manifest so many illnesses. 

My energy is different now. I think I was running on pure adrenaline before which is a strong burst but when it stops it stops dead.  So often I would be out somewhere and it would suddenly crash and be gone.   Which caused an issue with getting home again.  Also if I ever sat down, it would stop and I would find it hard to get going again.  It also felt like jerky, not smooth energy, not flowing properly.  My movements were jerky.

My energy now is long lasting and smooth feeling.  My walk, my movements are smooth and natural feeling.  Energy doesn't suddenly run out, it will run down slowly and then I take a rest and it recharges, then I comfortably carry with my day. It feels lower toned and more natural.  Less harsh.

I am now able to sleep again.   

Everything is so easy now.  So simple, straight forward.  Zero stress.  It still catches me unaware and I smile with pleasure at how easy life is now.   

I wonder if anyone relates, I would be interested to hear other experiences. 

[livinginmyhead]

My husband passed away earlier this year and I feel a lot different too.  I am in very poor health and have been battling oral cancer all year.  I had a very extensive 10 hour surgery in March and just finished chemo and radiation last month. 

I probably would have gotten cancer irregardless for the simple fact that it runs in the family and I am a former drinker and smoker.  That being said, I can still feel the difference.  Oral cancer treatment and recovery is brutal and I believe if I would have had to deal with him too I might not have done as well as I did.

I do believe my health suffered greatly while he was around.  The constant stress...  I remember one time in particular when he was raging at me my heart was pounding so hard and I felt like my blood pressure was through the roof and I begged him to stop before he killed me with the stress.  I felt like I was going to stroke out or have a heart attack.

The energy in our house is much different now.  The "heaviness" and darkness is gone from the atmosphere.  It is peaceful now.  My daughter no longer hides in her room.  I no longer have to avoid him and his raging.  There are even no more of the creepy little house noises we used to hear at night.

I no longer feel like everything I do is wrong.  It's no longer a hanging matter if dinner is late.  My daughter and I can eat however we want to-we eat fairly healthy no junk or snacks.  I'm on a feeding tube right now but still make little treats for her even though she can cook really good for herself.  Life is fairly relaxed even though things got hectic for a while trying to iron everything out after he passed and then the business of weekly chemo and daily radiation treatment.

Of course, we never wished him dead or anything like that but there is a sense of relief that we don't have to deal with him anymore and we feel kind of guilty about it.  But both of us are doing much much better without the constant stress of having him around here raging, micromanaging, pouting, sabotaging and all of it.

As I said before, I'm not in the best health right now so sometimes hard to compare before and after but I do have a lot less aches and pains and back issues than I did before and when I get tired it's because I did too much around the house or something not that awful sudden drainage of energy that comes from the stress of dealing with someone who is disordered.

I do feel somewhat guilty because I don't miss him in the least.  I miss the idea of him and what could have been if he wasn't the way he was, but I don't miss him at all.  I am actually somewhat relieved that I don't have to go through all my health crap AND deal with his as well.

[Andeza]

I had a bit of this, but from my uBPDm, not a significant other. My first pregnancy I developed hypothyroid symptoms and it was showing up on the blood work as well and I ended up on low-does thyroid medication. When DS was a few months old we went NC with my uBPDm. Now, with my second pregnancy... nothing. Numbers are great. Typically if you have bad thyroid numbers once you'll have them again every time thereafter, but now I don't have her breathing down my neck with constant demands for phone calls and insinuations that something is going to go wrong because she "has a feeling."

If that can happen with the PD on the other side of the country, I can't imagine being stuck in the same house.

Gentlesoul, I'm glad you are recovering and beginning to see improvement!

livinginmyhead, I'm sorry you've had to deal with all that. It's not been a great time to need medical attention either with current events. I hope everything goes smoothly from here forward.

[GentleSoul]

My husband passed away earlier this year and I feel a lot different too.  I am in very poor health and have been battling oral cancer all year.  I had a very extensive 10 hour surgery in March and just finished chemo and radiation last month. 

I probably would have gotten cancer irregardless for the simple fact that it runs in the family and I am a former drinker and smoker.  That being said, I can still feel the difference.  Oral cancer treatment and recovery is brutal and I believe if I would have had to deal with him too I might not have done as well as I did.

I do believe my health suffered greatly while he was around.  The constant stress...  I remember one time in particular when he was raging at me my heart was pounding so hard and I felt like my blood pressure was through the roof and I begged him to stop before he killed me with the stress.  I felt like I was going to stroke out or have a heart attack.

The energy in our house is much different now.  The "heaviness" and darkness is gone from the atmosphere.  It is peaceful now.  My daughter no longer hides in her room.  I no longer have to avoid him and his raging.  There are even no more of the creepy little house noises we used to hear at night.

I no longer feel like everything I do is wrong.  It's no longer a hanging matter if dinner is late.  My daughter and I can eat however we want to-we eat fairly healthy no junk or snacks.  I'm on a feeding tube right now but still make little treats for her even though she can cook really good for herself.  Life is fairly relaxed even though things got hectic for a while trying to iron everything out after he passed and then the business of weekly chemo and daily radiation treatment.

Of course, we never wished him dead or anything like that but there is a sense of relief that we don't have to deal with him anymore and we feel kind of guilty about it.  But both of us are doing much much better without the constant stress of having him around here raging, micromanaging, pouting, sabotaging and all of it.

As I said before, I'm not in the best health right now so sometimes hard to compare before and after but I do have a lot less aches and pains and back issues than I did before and when I get tired it's because I did too much around the house or something not that awful sudden drainage of energy that comes from the stress of dealing with someone who is disordered.

I do feel somewhat guilty because I don't miss him in the least.  I miss the idea of him and what could have been if he wasn't the way he was, but I don't miss him at all.  I am actually somewhat relieved that I don't have to go through all my health crap AND deal with his as well.

Thank you for your reply, Living In My head.

Firstly I want to say how sorry I am to read of your illness.  I can understand you being relieved that he is not here to add stress to what is already a stressful situation.   I had Covid Feb 2020 and uPD husband added to the stress of that very much.  I feel I did not heal as well or quickly as I would have done without him to deal with.

So much in what you write resonates with me.  The energy is my home is so very different.  Calm, quiet, light feeling.   

I hear you about the micromanaging, pouting, etc.  Urgh, exhausting. 

I also relate to what you say about worrying you would have a heart attack from the stress of his raging. 

I think my body still has a long way to go but you and I are on the right path.

I don't miss my late husband either, I miss the idea of him as you say.  Sometimes when I go somewhere I think that he would have liked it there but then reality makes me remember the truth that he would have ruined the trip out!    I never wished him dead and was sad when he passed.   

Sending all best wishes to you for a good recovery.

[GentleSoul]

I had a bit of this, but from my uBPDm, not a significant other. My first pregnancy I developed hypothyroid symptoms and it was showing up on the blood work as well and I ended up on low-does thyroid medication. When DS was a few months old we went NC with my uBPDm. Now, with my second pregnancy... nothing. Numbers are great. Typically if you have bad thyroid numbers once you'll have them again every time thereafter, but now I don't have her breathing down my neck with constant demands for phone calls and insinuations that something is going to go wrong because she "has a feeling."

If that can happen with the PD on the other side of the country, I can't imagine being stuck in the same house.

Gentlesoul, I'm glad you are recovering and beginning to see improvement!

livinginmyhead, I'm sorry you've had to deal with all that. It's not been a great time to need medical attention either with current events. I hope everything goes smoothly from here forward.

Thanks for your response, Andeza.   I had a uPD mum too. Oh goodness, I completely relate.   Phone calls with her were just urgh. I went no contact with her. What a relief.   Congratulations on your pregnancy.  I can well understand how different it is without her hassling you like with your pregnancy.

[Mary]

I love hearing about your healing journey! That is so awesome.

[Pepin]

The relationship that DH has with his mother has slowly been destroying me physically.  Even though I am constantly trying to work through everything on my own, the stored trauma gets trapped inside until I can deal with it.  Sometimes it feels like digging a hole on the side of a sandy hill - I make progress and the sand from above fills in what I achieved. 

I notice that when DH leaves for a length of time or business travel, the house is filled with calm.  I feel lighter, happier, freer.  And I notice this with our children as well.  Everyone can breath a sigh of relief.  We can do what we like and even sing out loud if we want to.

When I was younger and it was earlier in my marriage, I used to feel this way: happier and unstoppable.  I refuse to believe that age has anything to do with any of my ailments, physical or emotional.  This is all about DH being manipulated by DPDmil and how he turns around and unloads abuse on me and at times our children.  Since he cannot call out his mother, he has to unload elsewhere and that would mainly be me.  I am his emotional punching bag.  Until that woman passes, I don't see how there is going to be any peace.  She is in her early 80s.  She has him so tightly wound right now that we are all walking on eggshells 24/7 when he is around.  Honestly, if anything happened to him this point, I wouldn't shed a tear.  I have already shed millions of tears for the man I originally married and loved.  I don't even know if I can say that I love him anymore...even though I am sure that the man I married is still somewhere in his physical body - it is just that he is buried by DPDmil and her garbage.  And he just can't get out because he doesn't see what she is doing.  This is a man that will never admit that he is also an abuse victim like me.  I recently learned that he also suffers from C-PTSD and that is why he lashes out while triggering my hard work on my own C-PTSD.  I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. 

[Mary]

I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this! Good job on your own work though.
Sincerely,
Mary

[Simon]

For so long I've wished that more people were aware of the psychosomatic effects of being around a Personality Disordered person.

The mental and emotional damage is commonly known to those that have discovered what NPD and BPD are, through researching and discovering just what was going on in their relationship.

But when it comes to the actual physical damage that is done to the body over prolonged exposure to PDs, even people that have discovered their other halves (or relatives/friends/colleagues) have a Personality Disorder, still don't make the connection that the mind can and does affect the body.

I think it's in part due to people thinking the two are separate, and one can't affect the other.
There's a lot of info out there on the emotional and mental problems narcissistic abuse can cause, but not as much on the extreme physical damage it can cause.
Unfortunately, for a lot of people, it's only something they discover when the relationship is over, or they are very ill.

I also think it's in part due to the overwhelming amount of info a person has to take in when they discover their partner has a PD.
When they think they've researched enough, and got a grip on what they're dealing with, they probably stop researching, and the rare articles and videos on psychosomatic affects are never found.

I saw my Brother-in-law put up with my nightmare of a Sister for many years, and he eventually got very ill and died.
I didn't know what caused it at the time, but I'm well aware of it now.
No-one around her is healthy or happy for long.

Very sad, and a stark warning for anyone who continues to be around a PD.

[GentleSoul]

Many thanks for the replies, Mary, Pepin & Simon.

Sorry for my slow response, I don't check in here as much as I used to.  The physical and mental damage being around a PD person is very real. 

I am about 8 months now since I was living with a PD person, I feel a great deal better but there is still more healing to do, I feel.  I had thought I had bounced back to full mental and physical health but more things are appearing as time goes on.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

GS, I very much relate to this post.

I have been diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases while being married to my uPDH. Autoimmune diseases don't run in my family.

I was struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. I'm in my mid 30s and I felt like I was 60 or 70. I even considered buying a cane at one point. I couldn't sleep due to the pain. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus nightly. Even shifting my position while sleeping caused me an incredible amount of pain. I have many gastric issues (it's common with hypervigilance), and I have seen 20+ doctors all trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Every test and scan comes back negative. So I'm a completely healthy woman, in my mid thirties who can barely walk, move my arms, and who has numerous skin issues like rashes, hives, eczema and awful migraine at least weekly.

A few months ago, my uPDH left our home to go and live with his girlfriend and pursue some illegal business ventures. 1-2 weeks after he left, suddenly, I no longer had trouble walking or sleeping. My gastric issues are ongoing, but my rashes, hives and eczema are gone. I very rarely have migraines. However, if I am in his presence for more than a day (which is rare), suddenly, these ailments start to magically appear again.

For a long time I thought it was just something wrong with me but I now realize I was reacting to the stress. In fact, there are studies showing that people in abuse relationships can develop fibromyalgia, which is one of the diseases I've been diagnosed with. I am almost completely in remission after using EMDR and having my uPDH gone from the home.

I am very excited for the next step of my journey, which will be returning to my home country and being a continent away from him. I really cannot wait to feel like a mid 30's woman and not a 70 year old!

I'm glad that you're feeling much better!

[Mary]

Wow, Justanother,
I am amazed by your physical improvements since your husband left. Shocking really. Thanks for sharing!
Mary

[SeaBreeze]

My journey "Out of the FOG" began when a friend in-the-know suggested my fibromyalgia could be rooted in trauma from abuse. This book is referenced here on Out of the FOG a lot but "The Body Keeps the Score" truly is an eye-opening read. Gentle hugs to all dealing with chronic pain and health issues.

[GentleSoul]

GS, I very much relate to this post.

I have been diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases while being married to my uPDH. Autoimmune diseases don't run in my family.

I was struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. I'm in my mid 30s and I felt like I was 60 or 70. I even considered buying a cane at one point. I couldn't sleep due to the pain. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus nightly. Even shifting my position while sleeping caused me an incredible amount of pain. I have many gastric issues (it's common with hypervigilance), and I have seen 20+ doctors all trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Every test and scan comes back negative. So I'm a completely healthy woman, in my mid thirties who can barely walk, move my arms, and who has numerous skin issues like rashes, hives, eczema and awful migraine at least weekly.

A few months ago, my uPDH left our home to go and live with his girlfriend and pursue some illegal business ventures. 1-2 weeks after he left, suddenly, I no longer had trouble walking or sleeping. My gastric issues are ongoing, but my rashes, hives and eczema are gone. I very rarely have migraines. However, if I am in his presence for more than a day (which is rare), suddenly, these ailments start to magically appear again.

For a long time I thought it was just something wrong with me but I now realize I was reacting to the stress. In fact, there are studies showing that people in abuse relationships can develop fibromyalgia, which is one of the diseases I've been diagnosed with. I am almost completely in remission after using EMDR and having my uPDH gone from the home.

I am very excited for the next step of my journey, which will be returning to my home country and being a continent away from him. I really cannot wait to feel like a mid 30's woman and not a 70 year old!

I'm glad that you're feeling much better!

Thank you for sharing this, Just Another Lost Girl.  I am really excited for you too.  I hope your new life is truly wonderful.

How horrendous that your uPDH affected you so badly.  The stress these people create is literally fatal. 

I am so glad he cleared off and inflicted himself on someone else.  This seems the best way, if they clear off.  Trying to get rid of them creates even more stress. 

Wishing you joy and happiness.

[GentleSoul]

My journey "Out of the FOG" began when a friend in-the-know suggested my fibromyalgia could be rooted in trauma from abuse. This book is referenced here on Out of the FOG a lot but "The Body Keeps the Score" truly is an eye-opening read. Gentle hugs to all dealing with chronic pain and health issues.

Hello Sea Breeze

I have found "The Body Keeps Score" an amazing resource too.  Stress is so all round damaging to us.

Gentle hugs back to you.

Hello Mary, thanks for posting.

[JustKeepTrying]

Gentle Soul,

I am so glad you are healing.  I find that encouraging.

I've written about this before on here but I have fibro and stage iv cancer.  I have been living with cancer for a decade now with surgery after surgery - chemo/radiation and all the side effects.  My pain levels can be brutal at times and I have so many co-morbid conditions.  I once had a long talk with my oncologist about why I had this rare aggressive cancer with no family history.  He told me about Body Keeps Score.  It was the first indication that perhaps I had PDs in my life.

A few years ago my seizures increased and I was having them daily.  Along with bouts of aphasia.  My children pleaded with my xOCPDh to get a nurse or aide and to take my keys away.  I was devastated.  There was talk of committing to a nursing home at the age of 50.  Finally, we reached a compromise that I would see a new neurologist.  Who ordered test after test and a neuropsychiatrist.  In the end, PTSD.  He would have diagnosed PTSD but not in the US.  He and neuroguy said it was exposure to my NPDsis and my then OCPDh as well as a sexual assault in college and abuse from my older brother.  I was referred to a trauma therapist and I began EMDR.

Up to this point, I never considered myself a victim of abuse.  I was not one of those women.  But with each EMDR, I saw the world a little clearer.  After two years of intense therapy, I finally walked out (he actually hit me at that point and the next morning I was gone).

It's been two years since that day and I have not had a seizure since.  Or any aphasia.  I am still struggling with lots of other things.  I took a solo camping trip recently and the peace I have been looking for was finally attainable.  I could feel my body reset and release.

Body Keeps the Score is real.  If I could have stayed, I would have.  I still love him in all his messy imperfection.  But I know in my heart, I would have died. 

[GentleSoul]

Gentle Soul,

I am so glad you are healing.  I find that encouraging.

I've written about this before on here but I have fibro and stage iv cancer.  I have been living with cancer for a decade now with surgery after surgery - chemo/radiation and all the side effects.  My pain levels can be brutal at times and I have so many co-morbid conditions.  I once had a long talk with my oncologist about why I had this rare aggressive cancer with no family history.  He told me about Body Keeps Score.  It was the first indication that perhaps I had PDs in my life.

A few years ago my seizures increased and I was having them daily.  Along with bouts of aphasia.  My children pleaded with my xOCPDh to get a nurse or aide and to take my keys away.  I was devastated.  There was talk of committing to a nursing home at the age of 50.  Finally, we reached a compromise that I would see a new neurologist.  Who ordered test after test and a neuropsychiatrist.  In the end, PTSD.  He would have diagnosed PTSD but not in the US.  He and neuroguy said it was exposure to my NPDsis and my then OCPDh as well as a sexual assault in college and abuse from my older brother.  I was referred to a trauma therapist and I began EMDR.

Up to this point, I never considered myself a victim of abuse.  I was not one of those women.  But with each EMDR, I saw the world a little clearer.  After two years of intense therapy, I finally walked out (he actually hit me at that point and the next morning I was gone).

It's been two years since that day and I have not had a seizure since.  Or any aphasia.  I am still struggling with lots of other things.  I took a solo camping trip recently and the peace I have been looking for was finally attainable.  I could feel my body reset and release.

Body Keeps the Score is real.  If I could have stayed, I would have.  I still love him in all his messy imperfection.  But I know in my heart, I would have died. 

Sending a big hug back.  My goodness, such an incredible amount to cope with.

What really jumped out at me in your sharing was that you never considered yourself a victim of abuse.   I was the same.  It helped me heal when I did become able to see this.  To give it its right name and acknowledge it. 

Freedom comes from the truth.   

I also had the experience of feeling my body reset and release.  My nervous system, I think, reset.  How I feel all my senses feels different now.  Everything in the world seems different. 

Incredible how your seizures stopped, yet at the same time, it isn't.  It makes perfect sense that they would stop.

All the best to you