Once again, I'm the bad daughter

[Sneezy]

Ugh, I can't win!  Mom told me that she is getting shots in her knees (pretty sure it's hyaleuronic acid, which should help with her arthritis).  I know several people who've done this - most say they have gotten some relief.  So all is good, right?  Nope!  Apparently, I have not made a big enough deal out of this and so now Mom has started ramping up the drama.  She has started referring to the "shots" as "surgery."  She claims the doctor will be giving her anesthesia because she will be in excruciating pain.  She has told me that I must stay for the entire procedure which will last four hours.  And on and on.  It finally got to the point where I now have a call in to the doctor to find out what exactly is going on.  I left a polite message saying that I think my mom may be confused.  And I am going to her doctor appointment tomorrow and to her procedure later in the week (whatever it is, shots, surgery, who knows at this point?).

And it occurs to me that Mom just manipulated me into giving her exactly what she wants, which is tons of attention.  The end of the quarter is soooooo busy for me at work.  I really don't have time to do this.  I suppose that's the problem.  Because when I started to question Mom about what exactly is going on, she started saying things like "well, this is why I wanted you to go to my appointments with me."  And "I know you're so busy, but this is why you need to be with me." 

I *am* concerned, though, and I do feel like I need to get a better idea of the details.  Mom is too old to be routinely anesthetized, plus she has had bad reactions to anesthesia in the past, which I'm sure she hasn't told the doctor about.  There is a huge difference between shots and surgery and I need to know which she's having.  Finally, the way Mom is carrying on about the pain she expects to be in makes me wonder if the whole procedure needs to be re-thought out.  I mean, how much pain she should have to endure versus what kind of outcome is she expecting?

Sigh, she won this one.  My end of quarter, super-busy week just got busier 

[Fiasco]

Knee surgery is a major event, way more than several hours and then out the door with no plans for rehabilitation or post operative care. I have the sense from your post that you've fallen down the same rabbit hole I've been in more than once. That because you can't trust anything she says (I sure can't trust anything mine says) that she will somehow fool doctors into giving her unnecessary and dangerous surgery, anesthesia, god knows what. You know she's manipulating you but you feel like your hands are tied because you can't get a straight answer. I encourage you to just tell her you're available for x but not y and z and if that's not going to cut it she can have her doctor call you and help you understand what more is needed. Doctors and hospitals are usually pretty uptight about when and how they release their patients, but only IF the patient has actual, medical needs.

[Sneezy]

That because you can't trust anything she says

Exactly!  And I don't know if it's because she is truly confused or if she is trying to manipulate me because I don't show the level of excitement/concern/attention she thinks her situation requires.

In any case, the doctor did call me back and Mom is not having knee shots nor is she having any type of surgery.  She is having some diagnostic tests done.  I do not need to be there the entire time, although she does need a ride home which I am happy to provide.

I called and tried to explain all this to Mom and she sounded a little disappointed that it wasn't more dramatic.  She so badly wants to have a fuss made, but I just can't right now.

[Seven]

Synvisc injections have been around for decades.  It's been a bit since I've been in "the field" but it may require a quick shot of lidocaine or numbing agent, but I don't quite remember.  It's also a series of three shots, or at least it use to be. 

So either your mother is totally confused, or playing you the fool.

[Sneezy]

So either your mother is totally confused, or playing you the fool.

It's both, I suppose.  Mom IS confused.  But she takes the most dramatic parts of what the doctor says and amplifies those in order to manipulate me.  It turns out she is having some diagnostic testing done that may lead to a procedure in a couple months.  But it's nowhere near as dramatic as she has been making it out to be.  She is in the mood for some drama.

[1footouttadefog]

I know someone who gets Synvisc shots. They get a local anemaethesia due to the amount of pressure they feel when the stuff is getting pumped in.

Some laproscopic knee surgery is less intense then others.  For example shaving a flap torn cartilage is not as intense as a replacement.

However for it to turn iht to be diagnogstics wje you were told it's sirgery, injections or worse is misleading.

I just dealt with a similar situation wherein there was a mixture of truth and drama, a mixture of real issues and exaggeration, a mixture of needed attention and at the same time profound attentions seeking of a magnitude I never thought possible.

It's tough to manage your part in it all.  As far as wasted medical resources, I have to give that over to the professionals.  They are trained to deal and to dole and it takes that burden off me if I leave as much to the professionals as possible.  I also have liability to be concerned about even if mostly at a personal level.  I see it as drawing a healthy boundary to give it over to professionals where possible to draw the lines.

[Sneezy]

I just dealt with a similar situation wherein there was a mixture of truth and drama, a mixture of real issues and exaggeration, a mixture of needed attention and at the same time profound attentions seeking of a magnitude I never thought possible.

Yes, this sums up the problem quite well.  With an elderly covert NPD mom, it is sometimes tough to navigate the mix of issues.  It's hard to tell where the truth ends and the drama begins.  I think I sometimes over-compensate and try to downplay everything and be as non-dramatic as possible, and that gets Mom upset because I'm not taking her "problems" seriously enough.  But I just can't.  I find it so hard to feel sympathy for someone who really has a pretty darn good life and who is never thankful for all that she does have.  On the other hand, I know her knees hurt and I know she needs my help with some of her medical issues.  On the third hand  , I also find it difficult to feel sympathy for someone who never took care of her own health, never exercised, never addressed any medical problems until they became serious, etc.  There's a lot for me to unpack here.  I guess I just need to keep practicing my medium chill.  It's hard sometimes - there are times when I just want to scream at the top of my lungs for her to stop the pity party.  But that would definitely not be productive