His first day of visitation

[WaitingForSunshine]

I received a permanent DV restraining order from my PD husband. We share two kids (2 &3). I've had the kids the past two months, no visitation, no calls, no contact due to a temporary restraining order. Last week we were in court the full week and I got a permanent restraining order against him. The same day, the judge also ordered visitation and he gets an overnight. The first visit was today.

We are allowed to communicate via Talking Parents. I sent him the first message last night, just letting him know a few updates on the kids since he hasn't seen or spoken to them in 60 days. He was overly nice, respectful and thanked me. Then this morning, he sends a very abrupt, semi rude message. I don't understand how even over email, he can have vastly different personalities.

Today he came to get the kids, we didn't speak.

I'm so upset today, I can't stop thinking about the kids, what they're doing and how much I miss them. I feel like I made a mistake and if I hadn't left, we could be all together spending time as a family. I don't understand how after spending the whole last week in court, listening to him lie, I still feel this upset. I don't know if it's from seeing him or if it's because this is the first time the kids are not with me. I had this tiny spark of hope last night when he was so nice in his email, then when he changed his tone in the morning it was like he is still managing to manipulate me. I'm so upset that I still miss him and I still just want to call him and say I'm sorry please come home. When do these feelings stop and how can I stop missing him and my kids and the life that we had?

[hhaw]

I guess you weigh the harm of staying with the harm of leaving.

If you stay, you model dysfunction and conflict for your children.... it's what they'll carry in their chests....into adulthood.... it's what they'll think normal family life is.

If you leave, you stop pretending things will get better.  You accept your pdh isn't the man you thought you married.  You forgive yourself and try to forgive him, bc he would likely do better if he could.  He's broken.  He can't.

You shift your focus to self care, research healthy boundaries and model practical coping strategies for your children to practice, bc they learn from watching us every day.

If you can find and afford a good trauma informed therapist, it's a good investment in yourself and the creation of a safe, peaceful home.  Your children need a safe place to land and feel secure.  You're going to be that.

It's hard to wrap your head around mitigating harm to your young children instead of protecting them completely.  I'm afraid that's what you're up against, even if you remained in the marriage.

At least you'll have a chance to cultivate serenity and joy, away from the PD'S chaos manufacture.....now you've left him.

You've made huge strides with the permanent Protective Order, btw.  You're doing so many things right.

If you go back, the courts will likely dismiss your next filings, bc you'll project uncertainty....a woman who doesn't know what age wants....and worse...a woman who must not have really suffered the accusations she made, bc she wouldn't go back to that IF it was true.

We sabotage ourselves when we try to mitigate harm to the OD and our already broken family.....if the PD broke it, ime

You can't control the PD.  Never ever ever.  That's the truth.

You can take control of your life, safety and the environment you raise your children.  You can give them some peace, a functional family.... should w them how to cope with pd people and hold boundaries.

I bet you're an amazing parent with the ability to document your experience so others understand your situation.

That's what you're going to continue doing, for you children.

There are many on this board with experience and advice to help you on this path.

Just know.....the pd will never ask you to do anything for your benefit.  He'll ask you to drive things, make promises and break them in an effort to drop your guard and weaken your case....he wants you to sabotage yourself.

It's better to never speak to him or see him or allow him access to you, esp with the protective order.  If you give an inch, the pd will take a mile and point to it as cause to drop that order and paint you as a liar or someone who exaggerates.

The courts assume everyone lies, so know you're positioned as well as you can be to protect your children.  The court believes you.

Stay level and consistent.....focused on the kids, always. 

And if you can....try to find a trauma informed T....maybe with Buddhist leanings.... it's helpful to live in the moment and cultivate joy, ime.  We aren't taught how to do that, ime.

If you learn how to do that early in life....how to teach your children....it will shift everything for you, ime.

Right now you're trapped in fight or flight survival mode.  You cope by worrying and worrying and worrying.

There are other ways to live.  You have choices.....to do what you can, put the problems in the shelf and turn to the 🏡 y in front of you.  Looking into your children's eyes and being really present with them.....now....is joyful for you and for them.

The kids pick up on your anxiety. You can't be present and joyful while ruminating in the past or fearing the future. 

I didn't know how to be present and look my children in the eyes to create more joy.  The years slipped away while I fought for our lives and worry worry worried their childhoods away.

I wish I could have just one of those days back, bc I regret giving up the joy I could have created....but didn't know how. 

While your kids are away ....research healthy boundaries....good therapists....how to navigate divorce with a PD, bc THAT will improve your mental health, ime.

You're your greatest asset and you will be glad to feel the sun on your face again....I promise.

All things, good and bad, come to an end.

The stronger and more committed you are to yourself.....to honoring your experience and what you know.....the quicker things will change, ime.

Finding a good therapist for your children could be helpful too.

It's going to be ok. 

Breath....
10 times....
4 seconds inhale...
Hold 4 seconds....
Exhale 4 seconds.

10 times then check your body.  Is there pain?  Put your hands on it and breathe into it 10 more times. 

You can do this.

[Stillirise]

 

I absolutely couldn't have gotten to where I am without advice and motivation from hhaw, and others here.

I just wanted to add, what you have done for your children is priceless.  It won't be easy, and you may not see the payoff for years, but your children now have one stable household, most of the time.  It can't be overstated how important that is for them.  My only real regret in my process is how long I waited to leave.  My kids were 8 & 10, and can now see the effects of that. We are working on it, and things are going well most of the time.  However, they unfortunately spent those important early years in a disordered, anger-filled, emotionally and verbally abusive household, and sometimes it shows.

I hope you're feeling a bit better, now that the initial visit with their PDf is behind you.  That life you had before was a dangerous illusion. The "new normal" will start to feel a little bit better every day, even with the ups and downs. Best wishes to you!

[Boat Babe]

I guess you weigh the harm of staying with the harm of leaving.

If you stay, you model dysfunction and conflict for your children.... it's what they'll carry in their chests....into adulthood.... it's what they'll think normal family life is.

If you leave, you stop pretending things will get better.  You accept your pdh isn't the man you thought you married.  You forgive yourself and try to forgive him, bc he would likely do better if he could.  He's broken.  He can't.

You shift your focus to self care, research healthy boundaries and model practical coping strategies for your children to practice, bc they learn from watching us every day.

If you can find and afford a good trauma informed therapist, it's a good investment in yourself and the creation of a safe, peaceful home.  Your children need a safe place to land and feel secure.  You're going to be that.

It's hard to wrap your head around mitigating harm to your young children instead of protecting them completely.  I'm afraid that's what you're up against, even if you remained in the marriage.

At least you'll have a chance to cultivate serenity and joy, away from the PD'S chaos manufacture.....now you've left him.

You've made huge strides with the permanent Protective Order, btw.  You're doing so many things right.

If you go back, the courts will likely dismiss your next filings, bc you'll project uncertainty....a woman who doesn't know what age wants....and worse...a woman who must not have really suffered the accusations she made, bc she wouldn't go back to that IF it was true.

We sabotage ourselves when we try to mitigate harm to the OD and our already broken family.....if the PD broke it, ime

You can't control the PD.  Never ever ever.  That's the truth.

You can take control of your life, safety and the environment you raise your children.  You can give them some peace, a functional family.... should w them how to cope with pd people and hold boundaries.

I bet you're an amazing parent with the ability to document your experience so others understand your situation.

That's what you're going to continue doing, for you children.

There are many on this board with experience and advice to help you on this path.

Just know.....the pd will never ask you to do anything for your benefit.  He'll ask you to drive things, make promises and break them in an effort to drop your guard and weaken your case....he wants you to sabotage yourself.

It's better to never speak to him or see him or allow him access to you, esp with the protective order.  If you give an inch, the pd will take a mile and point to it as cause to drop that order and paint you as a liar or someone who exaggerates.

The courts assume everyone lies, so know you're positioned as well as you can be to protect your children.  The court believes you.

Stay level and consistent.....focused on the kids, always. 

And if you can....try to find a trauma informed T....maybe with Buddhist leanings.... it's helpful to live in the moment and cultivate joy, ime.  We aren't taught how to do that, ime.

If you learn how to do that early in life....how to teach your children....it will shift everything for you, ime.

Right now you're trapped in fight or flight survival mode.  You cope by worrying and worrying and worrying.

There are other ways to live.  You have choices.....to do what you can, put the problems in the shelf and turn to the 🏡 y in front of you.  Looking into your children's eyes and being really present with them.....now....is joyful for you and for them.

The kids pick up on your anxiety. You can't be present and joyful while ruminating in the past or fearing the future. 

I didn't know how to be present and look my children in the eyes to create more joy.  The years slipped away while I fought for our lives and worry worry worried their childhoods away.

I wish I could have just one of those days back, bc I regret giving up the joy I could have created....but didn't know how. 

While your kids are away ....research healthy boundaries....good therapists....how to navigate divorce with a PD, bc THAT will improve your mental health, ime.

You're your greatest asset and you will be glad to feel the sun on your face again....I promise.

All things, good and bad, come to an end.

The stronger and more committed you are to yourself.....to honoring your experience and what you know.....the quicker things will change, ime.

Finding a good therapist for your children could be helpful too.

It's going to be ok. 

Breath....
10 times....
4 seconds inhale...
Hold 4 seconds....
Exhale 4 seconds.

10 times then check your body.  Is there pain?  Put your hands on it and breathe into it 10 more times. 

You can do this.