My heart is bumping really fast

[nanotech]

Daughter is having her wedding reception soon. It's next month. She decided after much thought, to invite all of my PD family to the party. I was okay with it as there are going to be lots of people there, and I was just going to try and mingle with the others. I've done a lot of work on myself and thought I'd be fine. A part of me thought they might even be pleased and happy.

I've been low to no contact with them over the past several years, but had recently seen a bit more of them- because I thought I was over everything.
 Oh dear.
 
 Enter the wedding, stage right.
Aha!  Something they can use against me! 
   
They've ignored and discarded, been horribly rude. One has clearly made up a reason not to come and then been rude about it.
I've made a conscious effort not to get upset.
I think the reason they are being so awful is that's it's only just over a year since I reconnected with them all on social media.
I'm speculating that now they believe I've only done it because I knew that this wedding was coming up! I didn't!
     
Sigh! The third sibling has been a little more supportive, but says she 'can't attend due to health reasons.' These 'health reasons' aren't always present, so they could be questionable- though I am beginning to realise that all of my siblings are unaware of how real true families interact.
The less I've seen of them recently, the more obvious this has become to me.

In terms of the rudeness, they always make sure that technically,they have answered me, but it's often delayed, and when it comes the tone and content is so cold and uncaring that it simply makes my heart ache.
My heart's been struggling with this for weeks. Tonight it's been bumping very fast.
None of them are now attending. That would be fine if they had genuine reasons and they were truly sorry about it. Now, with the last sibling saying ' I'm not coming' ( no reason given) there's how no one to bring my elderly Ndad to the venue. She was his lift there and back. So there's a big problem now to sort.
It's just the total lack of caring. It's like they don't have hearts. I've never done anything to them. I merely decided some time ago to resign as the scapegoat.

I was just going to ignore the whole thing and be done with it. Whoever gets to the venue, gets there. Truth be told, I would much rather my dad didn't go.

My daughter, (I love her very much but she'll never really get it) is insisting I sort it out. She doesn't want to wait for them to solve it because she really wants her grandad to come. He's recently been doing some lovebombing, and it's worked. I'm aware it's because he wants to come to this party, and he's after a role in the party. He's already asked if he can sing or make a speech.
So I've got the Engulfing and the Discarding going on all at once. Ah just realised! no wonder I'm upset! It helps to journal things out.
I saw in my daughter's insistence, that she just doesn't get how hard it is for me. If anyone remembers my previous posts, I'm the scapegoat who used to get asked to fix things, then got thrown under the bus.
I'd  been doing so much better! However tonight all my past fears erupted and I went and had an anxiety attack.
We've known for days that my sis can't bring him. EnablingPDsis  has clearly not told him and is leaving it up to me to solve. My husband who is lovely but sometimes forgets how dad has been to me in the past, also said that it's 'up to us to solve it'.
Feeling better for writing this. Wish me luck tomorrow when I ring dad. Any advice gratefully received. Thankful for this forum.

[notrightinthehead]

No advice, just sending you strength and a big hug. Be calm. Be rational. 

[nanotech]

Thank you SO much notrightinthehead.I truly felt the hug and the strength.

Hubby said the same thing this morning, about remembering to respond rationally.
Part of that is to acknowledge my disappointment while reminding myself that they will NOT change.
It simply is what it is.
Everything got to me last night.
Ah well. It's Big Girl Pants time!

[Rebel13]

Best of luck to you!  For what it's worth, my opinion is that you do NOT have to solve it.  Certainly there will be consequences no matter what you do, but you get to decide which of them are more acceptable to you.  Would it help to ask yourself what YOU really want to do?  What you would do in a perfect world, if no one was going to get mad or blame you for what you decided?  Even if you can't or don't want to do what you feel in your heart, sometimes just knowing what the true desire is, can be helpful.

Take good care of yourself.

[nanotech]

Thanks Rebel 13. That's excellent advice.
An update-
I rang my dad who told me it's all fine because he's now booked himself into the hotel, on the night of the wedding celebration.
So now I've got him there with me all night, and all the next morning as well. 😫
It's also a bit embarrassing because we've already booked several rooms at the hotel. He's rung and got himself through to the wedding planner to book in. It kind of looks as if we deliberately left him out of the hotel bookings.
To be honest, if he'd approached us first, we had a spare hotel room already booked that he could  have had!  But it's all this sneaking about- it's funny really - oh well sorry dad you will now have to pay! 🤣
This is a 92 year old man. He told me a few years ago, that he'd never stay in a hotel again, because of the unfamiliar surroundings increasing his chances of falling.
Great.
Thanks siblings.
In terms of the siblings not coming, I told him straight that I wasn't happy. He proceeded to defend them in totally irrational terms which  translated as, ' They  are the more valued offspring so you have to pretend they have NOT done anything  bad to you.'

I said to dad,
" Don't worry, it's only their niece's wedding.'

He had no idea how to respond to that.
Not sure he picked up on the irony.

But I refuse to agree that this rudeness and snubbing  is okay.
I've been trying to ignore it, medium chill and all of that, but it just reaches a point where it becomes unbearable as well as undeniable.
Yet he defends them. He hasn't even seen how rude they've been on text. He's 92 but he's all there. But he refuses to acknowledge it even, never mind criticise it.
Two are now going to be on holiday. One is agoraphobic but only when it suits her.
The sibling that was going to bring him and take him home, had already told us -yes she was coming. She has said nothing to me directly. I've had  to piece it together,  from info from my daughter and my dad. No direct contact from the sibling- certainly no apology.
When I messaged her to say 'Sorry we won't be seeing you at the Wedding,' she messaged back

'Ok thanks.'

Where's the, '

Ah we are sorry too!'

Honestly, that would have been a crumb of comfort. I would have grabbed that.

She's  apparently had an offer of a free holiday at someone's mansion, and they love going there, so they're going there. Whether that's true or an excuse I don't know.
Either way it's uncaring.

Then there's the whole issue of their insistence that they've done nothing wrong, which my dad colludes with.
My dad enables their discarding and devaluing, then disallows me from calling it out. 
Younger two sibs have always been more valued.
 I'm the second daughter. Big disappointment that I wasn't a boy. But it was more than that. When my BPDmum was alive, she told me felt she'd failed with her first two children. There's always been a difference made. The younger two were my parents' success story, They could never do wrong( especially golden child Nbrother)and us two older sibs must always agree with this dysfunctional family narrative.
Otherwise we would get frozen out. If we held up the family narrative we'd be tolerated and occasionally even rewarded.

I asked dad how he was going to get there and back to the venue 45 mins away.
He said smugly that he will ' just sort that out nearer the time.'
It's three weeks away is all!
 That comment means he's expects me to 'fix' transport for him.
 He was really smarmy and smug on the phone, as if he'd tricked me.
 He now thinks he's forced me into chauffeuring him around that day. Nope.
Well, as advised on here, I'm not going to pander to any of that.

I'm just worried now that he'll try and drive himself to the venue. Yep, he still drives at 92! I've told him not to. I've asked him to stop. The doctor has just signed him as ok for another 3 years! He only usually drives in the day and in his hometown, so I'm hoping that deters him.

 He's actually on about coming on the bus, halfway, and then a taxi. He's working on the assumption that I won't let him do that. But I just said, ok to that! I'm taking on NO pressure to do a 2 hour round trip to pick him up on a day where I've a wedding to organise.

Meantime we have some lovely relatives( hubby's side!) arriving for two weeks
From abroad! We need to look after them and we will have our hands full. They are lovely.

If dad threatens to drive, I think we'll have to lay expensive taxis on for him. Sigh

[moglow]

Radical idea here, but hear me out: Assume nothing, offer less. All of that is all their stuff, not yours. Invitations were issued, they do with that what they will - without your input or discussion.

RSVP require one thing of guests: Im happy to accept your kind invitation OR I'm sorry I'll be unable to attend. Sorry you can't make it, we'll miss you! Period. End of.

Dad/everyone has their plans all sorted? Cool. Seriously, go with that and refuse to pander to or discuss it further. He/someone calls in panic day of demanding you pick him up? No can do, as mother of the bride you're hip deep in set up. Better, consider muting his/their calls altogether for the duration. Your have plenty to do, have done your part where they are concerned, and they're all grown people. He can't make it after all? I understand , and hate that for you. DD sure was looking forward to seeing you.

You aren't responsible for other grown people, is what I'm saying. Your job here is to help make this celebration happen for/with your daughter. Other people have their own responsibilities and that's up to them. Whatever their nefarious or ulterior motives, that's not your stuff.

Not that you need it, but you have our full and absolute permission and encouragement to enjoy upcoming visits, without any of those who are hellbent on inventing excuses. Let those excuses fall on hard ground and don't allow them to take root within you.

Off soapbox now. 

[nanotech]

Moglow thank you so much. You are 100 per cent right and you've helped me realise it. Plus the not taking it to heart?- yes yes yes I need to stop that nonsense.
Wow yep.
Yep yep yep.

Yes on the day of the event, if there are any issues with him getting there, that's exactly what I'll tell him. I'll shrug and say, ' Ah we will miss you but never mind.'

Not my stuff!

You're a godsend.

This is comment is so incredibly helpful too;

'Whatever their nefarious or ulterior motives, that's not your stuff.'

I can tend to speculate over motives etc in order to try to anticipate their next chess move. You've clarified that actually,  there's no need.
 
Thanks too for the reminder that I can enjoy myself completely!
Thank you!
 Yep I won't be available to him by phone.
He knows where the venue is.
He's got enough money to get there and back.

Moglow, you're a star!

[moglow]

You're trying to be proactive and pregame what you can, I get it. But ultimately your hands are tied when it comes down to others' choices. Try to put that down and find your peace with them anyway. If they're anything like mommie dearest (mine) they may just as well pull something you never saw coming at all. That's ALL on them, nano, not you. 

[nanotech]

You're trying to be proactive and pregame what you can, I get it. But ultimately your hands are tied when it comes down to others' choices. Try to put that down and find your peace with them anyway. If they're anything like mommie dearest (mine) they may just as well pull something you never saw coming at all. That's ALL on them, nano, not you.

Thank you Moglow. Yes you're right about them pulling the unexpected. My Ndad enjoys to do just that. I do know too, that it's typical of narcissists to move the goalposts last minute.
I can't tell you how many times my Ndad has tried to do that.
But yes I cannot try to anticipate any of that!

[Big Bear]

Hi nanotech,

Wow, what an experience!  You're hosting your husband's relatives for 2 weeks with the wedding coming up!  And then there's your extended family!   

You got this - stay calm and focus on your daughter and the people who bring you joy! 

Remember all those other people - they are adults who can take care of themselves.  If they come or not, that's on them.
 Maybe they'll miss out, oh well.  Maybe they'll come and have a great time.  Either way, it's on them.  As adults they should carry the consequences of their own actions.

Your dad, well, he's an adult too!  So, he can decide what he's going to do, how he's going to get there, and so on.  What dear old dad decides to do is NOT your responsibility.  Please don't take this on.  If he has to spend some money on bus or taxi fare, that's OK.  He's had his whole life to save up some money for the taxi!  Whatever else he decides, that's on him.  Remember, dear old dad is an adult and he can take care of himself for this event! 

One more thought, with your daughter getting married, it would be OK to focus more on her and less on other relatives.  Would she like a hand with anything?  Is there something she would appreciate some help with?  Maybe helping her with something could distract you from all the other noise?   

You can do this!  Stay strong!  You can get through it!   

We're cheering for you!

Big Bear

[nanotech]

 

Hi nanotech,

Wow, what an experience!  You're hosting your husband's relatives for 2 weeks with the wedding coming up!  And then there's your extended family!   

You got this - stay calm and focus on your daughter and the people who bring you joy! 

Remember all those other people - they are adults who can take care of themselves.  If they come or not, that's on them.
 Maybe they'll miss out, oh well.  Maybe they'll come and have a great time.  Either way, it's on them.  As adults they should carry the consequences of their own actions.

Your dad, well, he's an adult too!  So, he can decide what he's going to do, how he's going to get there, and so on.  What dear old dad decides to do is NOT your responsibility.  Please don't take this on.  If he has to spend some money on bus or taxi fare, that's OK.  He's had his whole life to save up some money for the taxi!  Whatever else he decides, that's on him.  Remember, dear old dad is an adult and he can take care of himself for this event! 

One more thought, with your daughter getting married, it would be OK to focus more on her and less on other relatives.  Would she like a hand with anything?  Is there something she would appreciate some help with?  Maybe helping her with something could distract you from all the other noise?   

You can do this!  Stay strong!  You can get through it!   

We're cheering for you!

Big Bear

Thanks Big Bear! Yes I'll take all that on board! I'll put my focus upon the Bride! It's her day!

[nanotech]

Hi nanotech,

Wow, what an experience!  You're hosting your husband's relatives for 2 weeks with the wedding coming up!  And then there's your extended family!   

You got this - stay calm and focus on your daughter and the people who bring you joy! 

Remember all those other people - they are adults who can take care of themselves.  If they come or not, that's on them.
 Maybe they'll miss out, oh well.  Maybe they'll come and have a great time.  Either way, it's on them.  As adults they should carry the consequences of their own actions.

Your dad, well, he's an adult too!  So, he can decide what he's going to do, how he's going to get there, and so on.  What dear old dad decides to do is NOT your responsibility.  Please don't take this on.  If he has to spend some money on bus or taxi fare, that's OK.  He's had his whole life to save up some money for the taxi!  Whatever else he decides, that's on him.  Remember, dear old dad is an adult and he can take care of himself for this event! 

One more thought, with your daughter getting married, it would be OK to focus more on her and less on other relatives.  Would she like a hand with anything?  Is there something she would appreciate some help with?  Maybe helping her with something could distract you from all the other noise?   

You can do this!  Stay strong!  You can get through it!   

We're cheering for you!

Big Bear

Thanks Big Bear! Yes I'll take all that on board! I'll put my focus upon the Bride! It's her day!

Absolutely- thank you Big Bear! I'm taking all of that completely on board. I had a great chat with hubby about my needing to focus on my daughter. He's going to make sure that his relatives are comfortable and happy, which will free me up to do my own thing.
     You're so right about my dad. I've left it to HIM to book the taxi because it makes more sense to go with a company local to HIM. He wanted me to book it but as I'm in another town it's not practical. I could feel his annoyance about this. He thinks it's  really great of him that he's offered to pay HALF of the fare!
He'll have to chase me for the other half!
Believe it or not, he's turned down the offer of a lift from my cousin. He doesn't think they are setting off early enough! It would have cost him nothing.
 So a taxi it is!
He's plenty wealthy enough to afford the whole cost, but it simply is what it is with him! He still thinks a 'tenner' is a lot of money.
Sigh and double sigh.
Growing up was an experience in frugality never to be forgotten and certainly never to be repeated.
  

[nanotech]

The wedding went really well!

A few days before the event though, my dad attempted to ramp up the drama. The night before the wedding, he rang at 8 pm and left me a voicemail. He said he was probably not going to be able to attend tomorrow .

He had his 'poorly'/ drama voice on. 

He doesn't do waif narc very often, but it's becoming more frequent, and often as a last resort. Here it was in all its glory. He gave the reason that it was going to be 'too windy' for him to travel.

He said that the 'others' ( the other sibs) always told him to 'stay put' in 'weather like this'. Yet still no certainty of course. Still some wavering.  He said gravely that in the morning he would make his decision.

He said this as if the whole event was hanging on whether he attended or not.    In fact, I was stood still, listening to this voicemail unravel with an increasingly thrilling sense of pure release, fingers crossed in hope that he wasn't going to come!

His last words were that he felt disappointed, but that

'I've got to be safe!' 

I didn't pick up on the voicemail. This is what I may have said.....

"Yes dad!
We agree that you have to be safe! The wind isn't that bad and you'll be in a taxi!
If you think a taxi isn't safe enough,that's why we wanted a family member from your town to drive you, keep an eye on you at the event, then take you home early!
That's why we didn't want you to book into the hotel! Then you wouldn't have to pack all alone and stay all night in an unfamiliar  room, all alone!"

We had asked a family member( sib) and she had said "Yes, I'll bring dad and be there for dad and take him home."
She reiterated this for months and months. I must say that there were some warning signs- she was pretty lukewarm in her answers, and it was why I kept asking her. Yet she kept saying she was fine to bring dad, right up until a few weeks before, when she very abruptly told my daughter she wasn't coming.

Then, days ago, my dad told me with unbelievable self- conviction, that she'd always been prebooked for an holiday and was never on the yes list for attending! Apparently, I knew that all along? Weird, WEIRD gaslighting. Do they  lie to themselves? Or do they just lie to me? And what on earth makes it acceptable? Sigh.

I do know this. My sister can do no wrong and can't be held to account for anything. She has no need to apologise ever for promising me one thing and doing another.

I'm seriously considering recording his calls. I had a very clear conversation with dad where he told me how lovely it was of my sister and her husband to take him the venue and bring him home too.


My cousins had also both offered to take him and bring him home. Nope. Dad was very scathing in his answer.  He said they were  arriving far too 'late' ( they weren't) and he wanted to 'spend time to settle into his hotel room before the event.'

This is the same hotel room he ended up paying for in full for and never actually setting foot in.

 I think the reluctance to travel with my cousins is due to his not having raised them. He would have to be polite, appreciative, treat them with respect. No buttons to press equals no fun for dad!

Anyway, I digress 

He then proceeded to contact me on the VERY morning of the Wedding, the VERY thing I had tried to avoid. Me and the hubster had an agreement not to respond to anything from him that day. I didn't pick up or answer any voicemails. I did listen to one voicemail on the way to the venue as hubby drove us both there.
Sigh.
He was fussing about the wedding present ( money). He wanted to gift her some money, and could we give her some of OUR money instead, then he would reimburse us. Only thing was, and wait till you hear this, is that I had to ring him back asap to find out how much money he wanted to gift!

Financial abuse is a biggie in our family. Nope I didn't ring him back. He then proceeded to ring several family members, and eventually -the Bride! Luckily, it was at a good time. The amount was agreed but we didn't bother gifting it. Instead, we waited two days for the money to come to us from dad( through the post which he think is safer than online banking) and we simple posted it forward. And of course he couldn't  gaslight her or be mean.

I'm wondering what the reason could be-.why couldn't he leave the amount on the voicemail message?

Yep, it was  purely to force me into ringing back. In order to do my head in emotionally.

Hubby says he wanted to make the day all about him.  The reason for his non attendance had changed from 'the wind' ( which dropped) to
'illness'.
He wanted fuss and flannel and acknowledgement of himself as the head of the family (as he sees himself).
 I was too busy grappling with tablecloths, confetti and balloons by then! 

As MOglow said, I was hip deep in set up!

He caused a tiny weeny bit of drama, I guess  by making me look to other family members as if I were ignoring him.

I was 

 I don't give a rat's banana

He slightly annoyed me by insisting on speaking to the bride when I didn't answer him. But she didn't bother about it and I didn't respond. He went though two other granddaughters before one, who was with the Bride, gave her phone to her to speak. The other granddaughter was already really busy and the call held her up.

He also rang the wedding planner and tried to get a refund on the room he had surreptitiously and jubilantly booked when my sibling  suddenly dropped out. He was so smug in telling me about this room booking, and especially smug when he said he would worry about how to get there and back , ' nearer the time.' ( the wedding was three weeks away) . I reckon he assumed that him booking in to the hotel would force me into driving a two hour round trip on the day of my daughter's wedding, to pick him up.

 I didn't offer.

The wedding planner apologised to me, but said that due to the very short notice, she'd had to charge him for his hotel room. I didn't argue. It just felt as if it served him right,and of course it gave him a consequence.

Meanwhile, back to the important stuff, the Bride and Groom had a truly wonderful day, as did we all!  I was so pleased my dad didn't come. There would definitely have been drama over something!  Probably over several things!
Instead we had a day full of love and family celebration!
💕💫💫💫💫💫

[moglow]

Oh right, you give her your money [since as the bride's parents you're not already tapped out] and immediately it's "that's not what I said, that's too much! I'll give you this but that's all I agreed to!" while claiming to your daughter that you didn't give enough ... That sounded to good in his head I'm sure. And instead of actually going to the wedding he called everyone in and at it. Makes sense. Not enough eyerolls for that dramatic nonsense.

I'm glad it all came together and y'all had a great time!

[nanotech]

Oh right, you give her your money [since as the bride's parents you're not already tapped out] and immediately it's "that's not what I said, that's too much! I'll give you this but that's all I agreed to!" while claiming to your daughter that you didn't give enough ... That sounded to good in his head I'm sure. And instead of actually going to the wedding he called everyone in and at it. Makes sense. Not enough eyerolls for that dramatic nonsense.

I'm glad it all came together and y'all had a great time!

Haha yep! Thanks moglow.  It's that PD habit where they expect you to put your hand in your pocket at a moment's  notice and just produce- 
Cash. From. Them.
Not the first time it's happened. And yes if the amount wasn't written down in a text he could very well have disputed it later! He would have loved the drama of all that.

And yes we had some cash for the day, but we kinda needed that for drinks and tips. Otherwise our budget had largely been spent on the Wedding.
Also, that PD habit where they don't attend but still crave to be the centre of drama and attention at it!
I can see how far I've come. Time was when I would have fallen for all of this BS. Instead, I've grey rocked the heck out of his attempts to manipulate. Go me!
Footnote- I fully believe dad never intended to come. A full week before, he rang me and said,
' Are you all set for the wedding?'
Then, in a quietly teasy, sing songy voice, he said,
" Wouldn't  it be awful if I couldn't come?'

Well no, it wouldn't, I thought.
I never said a peep back to him, and he  then moved on with the conversation.
Grey Rock rocks.

[Rebel13]

Oh my gosh, this could be a case study in how "they" wind "us" up with their nonsense! I'm so glad you took care of yourself, nanotech, and put your focus where you wanted to be. Your reward was a wonderful time with the family members you truly treasure! I'm so happy for you.

[nanotech]

Oh my gosh, this could be a case study in how "they" wind "us" up with their nonsense! I'm so glad you took care of yourself, nanotech, and put your focus where you wanted to be. Your reward was a wonderful time with the family members you truly treasure! I'm so happy for you.

Thank you Rebel13. Yes it's just crazy making! Good job I was fairly well prepared for it!
When he booked himself into the hotel without telling me, that was when I had a panicky moment! He's 92 years old after all! The whole thing must have been a kind of bluff. He tried to force us to personally chauffeur him both to and from the venue, so that he need only stay for a few hours and be safely home for sleep.That way, he wouldn't have to risk a fall in the hotel room! Well I agreed about the room!
It was hard, but I managed to call that bluff. What he tried was emotional blackmail.

When he rang to complain about not wanting to be in a taxi in the wind, he said,
"I have to be safe!" Then the next morning, the wind had dropped, so his excuse became a health complaint.

Basically, he was after coming for a few hours, but said no to my cousins bringing him and taking him home, no to taxis, no to any of it in the end. He said no to any of it, because the only way he would come was if I picked him up and dropped him off. And that wasn't going to happen, and he couldn't guilt me into it.

I believe he never intended to stay over, and he thought that being 92 he  could waif and plead illness, so that he wouldn't be charged if he cancelled last minute. There was nothing wrong with him. He got charged and in a way I'm pleased there was a consequence.

He'd been so adamant recently (before news of the party was announced) that he would never again stay overnight in a hotel or even in someone's home, as he was  so scared of falling in the night.

As for us doing all of the donkey work ? It would have completely disrupted the day and evening.
It's an hours drive each way, so it would have been four hours driving in total!

I was pleased he didn't come, particularly to stay over, as I was worrying that overnight, he would be there for enough time for some sort of 'crisis'. At the very least he would have been rude and complaining to the staff. That's his favourite hobby.
My initial plan was for him to come for 2 hours or so then go home. That's best when you're 92!
I felt SO relieved when he said he wasn't coming at all.
Thanks to all on here who have commented or simply viewed the story It all helps me!  Hoping that in turn it's helpful to some of you!