NYT mag article "The Pain of Caring for a Parent Who Abused You"

[Sunflower79]

Thought this might be of interest for everyone:

https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/15/magazine/elder-care-parent-abuse.html

[Call Me Cordelia]

Paywalled. Would you mind sharing what struck you or any insights you gained from reading this?

[Sunflower79]

Oh darn! I'm sorry.  They usually let you read up to five/six articles per month.  Gosh, what stuck with me- most of the adult children in the article were women, no real surprise there because we are the default carers- that the retraumatization of victims is sort of fetishized- that the richest nation in the world can't figure out how to care for people- that there are "filial responsibility" laws on the books in some states (don't know which ones, didn't say)- sometimes adult children of abusive parents can get hoodwinked into shouldering the care of their aging relatives- that narcissists never change (what's new?).  I found the comments section fascinating and read all of them. Ran the gamut of people praising the women for sacrificing themselves and "being the better person", to others saying, "I owe my abuser nothing". Of course, there were the clueless ones who said, "just forgive and forget". Overall, it was incredibly impactful and well-written.

[NarcKiddo]

Yikes. Thank goodness there is no such thing as a filial responsibility law in the country where I am! I wonder if those places that have filial responsibility laws also have requirements that parents leave their estates to their children. Not that any amount of money is worth being retraumatized, but I hear so many stories of people doing all the caring on the understanding they will inherit, and then the parent leaves it elsewhere anyway.

I am LC with my family but we are very much into the elder care ages now and I am keeping away from providing any personal care. Fortunately my family has sufficient money to pay for care so I help them find qualified care providers as and when. What I have found interesting is how narcissists do indeed never change intrinsically, but they absolutely do change their tactics as their absolute power wanes.

I really get frustrated with the people who think that one can just forgive and forget, and also with the people who praise the carers for being the bigger person. I mean, yes, they are - but I think it is quite rare that they are deliberately and mindfully choosing to be the bigger person. Mostly I think old trauma patterns are playing out and they simply don't know how to get out from under that yoke.

[sleipnir]

My mother is now taking care of her mom, and her mom is even more verbally abusive than ever, though she she can't throw a punch like when my mom was a kid, basically mom's a Christian and believes she has to do this.

I'm going to where she is in October for a Halloween event, and I'm wondering if I should visit my mother's mother.