HELP

[Mad Dog]

I am in need of some serious help/advice. I have been married for 50 yrs. Once again, self doubt and uncertainty has raised it's ugly head and I am looking for insight from members. I am a recovering alcoholic, sober 30 yrs. I grew up in a stable, loving family with 4 siblings. My wife grew up with 1 sibling. Her mom was very passive and her dad was an alcholic and verbally abusive to some degree. For years I felt something was wrong with me in my relationship with my wife. I sought therapy and when my wife asked why I simply replied I'm tryying to become a better person. After several sessions, during which the therapist encouraged me to have my wife attend, my wife finally went for 1 visit. At that time, my wife had prepared a 2 page statement which she insisted on reading, even though the therapist asked that she put it aside and we could just talk. My wife refused, read her statement and had nothing more to say. I continued working with the therapist for several more visits and then we mutually ended as she felt we had nothing more to explore. I felt unfilled and life went on. Several years later things become problematic/difficult in our relationship and I again sought therapy. The original therapist retired so I sought out another therapist with recommendations from friends. I started with Therapist A, and naturally I had to start over again. She recommended my wife come in and I stated that she probably would not. After several sessions my wife wanted to know why I was going to therapy and I simply stated I was working on becoming a better person. She stated she needed to go "to find out what lies I was telling the therapist." The first session was again a 2 page statement from my wife wihich she again refused to set aside and talk. She finally decided to talk with the therapist. After several couple's sessions during which I mostly listened because my wife would talk non stop. I was careful not to interrupt, interject, etc. When I wanted to speak, I would raise my hand and when the therapist aknowledge I could talk I did so. I was thrilled that we were finally in therapy! After several sessions Therapist a felt that we should be seperated during therapy and we should each have our own therapist. I whole heartedly agreed and I said I would find a therapist for myself. I was thrilled that my wife would finally agree to talk to a therapist. I found Therapist B. My wife and I both signed consents that Therapists A and B could talk with each other. It was also suggested that my wife and I begin couples therapy with a therapist who specialized in high conflict relationships and we agreed and consent was given by both my wife and I that all 3 therapist could consult freely regarding us for the best possible outcome. After 2 visits with Therapist C, the therapist inadvertently missed our scheduled appt. I called Therapist C who was in her other office. She was very apologetic and acknopwledge that our visit was on her calendar and that it was entirely her fault. My wife said she had enough and would not be going to any further therapy. I was devastated. I continued to work with Therapist B and expressed my frustration with the whole process. I received the standard response of I can't comment on your wife as I have never seen her but she would be happy to continue working with me. The next session she told me that one of her colleauges recommended the book "Stop walking on Eggshells". I read it and felt that this was my story and I found Out of the FOG. The rage I had experienced, the control, lack of trust, and the inability to have a meaningful conversation with my wife with out her escalating into anger and rage were all there. I found support, enlightenment, hope, and understanding on this site. I learned not to JADE, and things were okay as long as I stayed in my lane and applied what I learned. At one point I had contacted another therapist who specialized in BPD and had one session. Again I was met with I really need to work with both my wife and I. Several months ago I had a session with Therapist B to find out which colleague had recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and she said it was Therapist C and she apoligized for not telling me at the time. I had told her about the missed visit with Therapist C and she was taken aback that this had happened. I felt that I at least had some closure, but my wife continues to be undiagnosed. 2 years ago I spoke with each of my adult, married daughters about the above (up until this point no one knew about the therapy). I recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to each of my daughters. They all related to difficulties with their childhood. Last night my wife and I had an incident and once again I was the problem. She told me that Therapist A had told her that I lacked empathy. At this point I'm spiraling downward and question if I am the problem.
I am asking for imput for those in this forum. I will be scheduling a session with Therapist B (my therapist) to discuss what she discussed with therapist A and C. I am also contemplating scheduling a session with Therapist A to seek clarification regarding my lack of empathy and her input regarding my wife and I as she is the only one that has worked with both of us..
I am really looking forward to some input from the members. PLEASE HELP!

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Hey there,

That all sounds very difficult.

I want to commend you on a number of things. 30 years of sobriety is a big deal, good for you. I also think you have handled therapy well, such as telling your wife that you're looking to become a better person, and doing a lot of listening in joint sessions.

Reading your post, I'm wondering if you are hoping that the therapy might lead to change in your wife's behavior. It seems that it is unlikely for therapy to do this. People with BPD do sometimes feel more supported in therapy and may reduce their "crisis events" such as self harm and other types of crises. However, they are not in therapy to learn how to treat their loved ones better - but just to feel more supported (by the therapist).

The ideas that are entrenched in personality disorders, such as "you are responsible for helping me" or "you are the one who is making me feel this way/react this way" don't actually change.

There is a benefit to your work, though. You can become more aware of your own choices and behaviors. You can own what is yours and learn to leave what is not yours. Sometimes this work can lead to somewhat less conflict. Sometimes it doesn't, but the benefit to you would still remain.

When I read the same book you read, I had hope that what was going on could finally be named and something could be done to help. Fortunately, I managed to avoid mentioning this idea, I never brought up personality disorders. It's easy for people to think "now that we know what is wrong, we can fix it." But personality disordered people overwhelmingly do not see it that way, at all. (Again, BPD people do often feel supported in therapy, but again, they are there to get support for themselves, not to learn how to treat people better). If you have some hope that someone will diagnose your wife and then help her to improve her relationship with you, let's just say that's not a common outcome.

I've been here for years and have seen a lot of people (myself included) grow as people and learn how to set boundaries (they are NOT to control others, only ourselves) and make mental shifts to own what is ours and free ourselves from what isn't. So I invite you to read around and post and get support. The forum is a bit slower these days and responses may be slow, but people are still here. Feel free to search, or just browse through the threads - I found it quite helpful to read other people's stories and see commonalities, and see things that worked and things that might be better avoided.