My mother went no contact with me, but I am still in contact with my father

[ChelseyTrombley]

How do you deal with being no contact with one parent and still in contact with the other?

My mother decided to go no contact with me this summer and for a long time my father has been a mediator/in the middle of me and my mother. There are times where he can see my side and there's other times where he is in full support of my mother.

When he believes some of the things that my mother says and also insults me in the process by saying I just need to fix the situation or I'm too sensitive or I'm taking it too seriously or I can't let the past be to past. That personally makes me feel like shit because I know that my mother is filling his head with crap, but I also know that I'm not in the wrong.

Like I want to have a relationship with him, but I feel like it's impossible with my mother controlling him/him enabling my mother.

My father expressed that he would not accept any gifts from me for any holidays because he would feel bad that my mother's not getting anything but my mother threatens to throw gifts away if I were to send her a gift.

I never wanted to lose my dad out of this, but he has also been a part of the problem

[Rebel13]

Hi Chelsey,

These triangulated relationships can be really difficult. I went NC with my mom about three years ago, and for a while, my brother was trying to "mediate" between us. I believe he had good intentions, but he has always been her golden child and that  dynamic has been difficult our whole lives.

I don't have a lot of contact with him, but in the beginning, when he would tell me something about my mother -- for example, she likes to manipulate physical symptoms into medical "crises" for attention, and he texted me a few times about things like this -- I just responded, "Thanks for letting me know." Later, when I had some significant news about myself that I wanted to share with him, he asked me whether I wanted him to tell my mom. I told him that he should do whatever was easiest and best for him. (I hope/believe that meant not telling her, but I left it up to him.)

Anyway, my point here is, your relationship with your dad will have to be renegotiated now that your relationship with your mom has changed. You could look at the article on Boundaries in the Toolbox for ideas about how to handle it. For example, you could set a boundary within yourself like, "I am not going to discuss my mom or my relationship with her, with my dad. I want our conversations to be about us and our relationship."

So if your dad brings up your mom when you talk to him, you could say, as kindly as you can, "Dad, I really value our relationship and our conversations, so let's talk about us." And then change the subject. If he continues to try to drag the conversation around to your mom, the conflicts, her complaints, etc., then you can say, "It seems like it's not a good time for us to talk.  I'll call you again on Wednesday." Or whatever works for you. If he is capable, after a few rounds of this, he will probably get the message. If he doesn't, then you will have to decide what level of contact with him is good for you given his continued insistence on discussing your mother against your wishes and requests. If things go this route, you may have even more grieving to do, which sucks.

You also have to consider whether you want your mom to know the things you tell him. I felt very strongly that I didn't want my brother to feel he had to be in the middle between me and my mom. So I was careful what I told him. It has gotten easier now that we are a few years in. I don't know what their relationship is like, but he seems to understand that I'm not asking him to caretake me or my relationship with my mom in any way, and we are relating better than maybe we ever have. (Which is not saying a lot, but still.)

As far as the gift situation, you could say to your dad, "OK, Dad, it makes me sad to not be able to send you a gift, but I understand that is your decision." Because he has told you what he wants. Even if you feel your mom is manipulating him into it, you still have to respect his stated wishes like you want him to respect yours. You could check with him before the next occasion to say, "Hey Dad, XX holiday is coming up, are you still feeling like you don't want a gift from me, or would it be ok to send you something?"

I know this is really hard work and you probably really wish he could just GET IT and respect you, but that doesn't usually happen automagically in these family systems that are organized around keeping a dysfunctional person happy. But I will say, for me, the hard work has been worth it. I wish you the best