Not doing well

[Trinity85]

So it's been two months. I'm still not doing well.

On Saturday I went for a hike, and then to the food coop, and then, as I was leaving, I decided to order takeout pizza. So here I am, single, alone, it's dark, it's cold, and I'm going to pick up a single cheese pizza. Could I be any more of a pathetic stereotype? When I finally got home, I burst into tears - sobbed and sobbed for an hour.

And then today, the anger started. It comes over me unexpectedly. When it happened this morning at home, I just screamed and screamed F*CK YOU F*CK YOU F*CK YOU at the top of my lungs. Worried the neighbors would hear, I finally got a pillow and screamed into that. My therapist says I need to let myself feel these things but I don't know - it's overwhelming.

But the worst part is thinking about what he did - what I allowed - why couldn't I leave - and the thought of that is just - I don't have the words. It horrifies me in a way that I just cannot face - and when that happens I can feel myself literally shutting my brain down just to cope with it.

Tell me this will get better.

[Rebel13]

It will get better! It definitely will! And there's no shame AT ALL in getting a single cheese pizza -- I do it all the time! It's one of my favorite things. I hope it was yummy.

Hang in there.

[Trinity85]

Thank you @Rebel13

[Seeking]

Hi Trinity.

Pizza is good stuff! I enjoy a cheese pizza from time to time, all for me, myself and I.  For me makes a wonderful breakfast the next day as well.

It will get better.  Remember that many things got hijacked and it's going to take time for things to reorganize in a way that is healthy.  Pillow screams.  Allows the emotions to come out which can feel overwhelming sometimes and doesn't disturb the neighbors.  But getting them out ultimately is a good thing

All the best to you

[Trinity85]

Thank you @Seeking. The emotions are overwhelming. And I recently learned of new deceptions. The rabbit hole here is deep. The diagnosis was ASPD - I think he is on the severe spectrum.