Old "boyfriend" (PD?) died from COVID...

[D.]

I just learned an old "friend" just died from COVID.  It wasn't a very healthy relationship.  I think I would describe it as ``friends with benefits", but I wanted commitment.  And he gave a lot of mixed messages around commitment.  Maybe one day, that kind of thing.  A lot of PD characteristics/behaviors, although I don't know that he meets the threshold for more formal diagnosis like other people in my life (parents, exH).  He comforted me during my divorce from uNPDxh, but he also hurt me with mixed messages over the course of a few years. 

Then, when I unknowingly started to come Out of the FOG w/regards to romantic relationships I stopped responding to his attentions or invitations to visit w/my now wonderful husband.  He claimed he wanted only friendship, but I just felt uncomfortable.  Of course, he would never be able to understand it.  I intuitively knew I needed to go NC, but he would still text periodically.  I responded a couple of years ago, but felt bad after the conversation because he wanted to reminisce about the happy boyfriend times...I decided to go NC, but didn't say anything.  Also, I realized how unhealthy our relationship had been once I became mostly healthy myself.  So I just quit responding to texts other than a generic I'm fine, too busy to talk kind of thing.  The last time he texted he was quite pushy wanting me to respond and I didn't respond at all, ignored.  I don't remember when that happened, it could have been when he first got sick in February.

I just participated in a memorial of sorts to bring some closure.  I mostly feel ok but I still have this vague feeling of guilt that I didn't respond while he was alive the last time he tried to contact me.  Logically, I know he brought on my lack of response as a result of his behavior, but a part of me still feels sad...and guilty...

What's this about?

[xredshoesx]

i think it's normal to second guess when we have NC.  the complication of him dying when you were in the NC, even though you all were not on close terms, makes the grieving process more complex.  i think what you are feeling is normal and appropriate.  be gentle with yourself as you go forward- it's almost like a chapter of your past is closed for good now too.

[D.]

Thank you for the insight Redshoes.  Yes, it is a strange feeling.  Like the final page of a chapter I thought was finished, but had an unexpected page added at the end...I must say this is kind of pushing an existential mid-life type reflection, a realization that any of these people could go at any time.  And if the relationship was unhealthy I will still experience grief.  I feel like I am still processing how to act on the knowledge.  I have a lot of people from my past who I now mostly avoid.  It makes me wonder if FB is really helpful?  Maybe I don't really need to know about these people if I no longer have contact anyway?  Not sure why I want to hang on to the simple knowledge that they are alive and well, if not in my social circle any longer...

And if they stop being well, do I want to know?...

On the other hand I like keeping informed about people who live far away and FB really helps in that way, and w/some other positive things...

[Starboard Song]

You feel a little sad and guilty because you are quite human. Three cheers for that.

Our goal is life is to recognize people in our tribe, and to love them and earn their love. That evolution is totally inadequate to our modern lives, and we can feel confused because of it. You sound ever so kind and decent. Whether he contacted you at the moment he'd grown ill or not, history had gotten him to a place where you were beyond reach: a fact that was no fault of your own.

I think it is beautiful that you took a moment to observe his passing with somberness. Another sign of your kindness.

Be good. Be strong.

[1footouttadefog]

The threashholds for diagnosis do not matter in the bigger picture.  That you found the relatiinship unhealthy is all that matters, not wuat a orofessional might lable it.

I am glad you were able to participate in the memorial experience.  A relationship is seldom all bad and its healthy to remember and honor the good memories and parts of a persons life.

There is always grief when we lose someone we love, loved or wanted to love.  Be kind to yourself.