I did it. Now the healing begins.

[GravityOfBeauty]

I never thought I would be posting in this forum so soon.

Two weeks ago the tension grew significantly when I expressed perhaps the best course of action was to separate since I have been "holding her back from making any progress in life." As you can imagine, things became increasingly intense in our home after our conversation. I couldn't take it any longer. I knew that I had to exit but I wanted to be as respectful as possible. I even wanted to give my uBPDw a chance to mutually agree so I wouldn't have to leave suddenly.

One evening I sat down and gently approached the topic of separating again. I explained I had felt unsafe on several occasions. I named our dysfunctional relationship and said I believed we both stood a better chance of healing if we didn't live together. That didn't go over well. As if a switch flipped, my uBPDw became irate, lunging toward me and screaming wild accusations about me having an affair (which is hilarious because I'm never let out of her sight — we share phone passwords, etc.) I moved to grab my shoes and keys but she dead bolted the doors and physically blocked me from leaving the house. She shoved, screamed etc —displaying the whole gamut of abuse. I was shaken but remained entirely calm : clearing repeating that I felt unsafe in the house and if she didn't let me leave I would call 911. I regret that I didn't follow through. I was so exhausted by this point. Instead, the evening ended with me soothing her and being manipulated into agreeing it was all just a big misunderstanding. I know it sounds crazy.

The tension grew significantly after that incident. Every passing day it grew more clear I couldn't live with her. My body hurt, my gut ached, I couldn't think clearly, and barely slept I began forming a plan but quickly came to the realization I couldn't even wait until my planned date of departure, it was just too abusive. One afternoon I saw a window of opportunity while she was occupied and I left with my essentials. When she found out I wasn't coming home (and I had turned my phone off), she freaked. She called all my friends / family dozens of times and eventually ended up in the ER but was not admitted or evaluated. A few days later I was able to successfully coordinate with my parents to remove my belongings from the house while my uBPDw was gone without the need for a police escort as my T had advised may be necessary. That was a huge relief.

Every day is a rollercoaster of emotions. I grieve deeply and I feel immense guilt. In some ways the hardest step is over but I still dread what's to come. I haven't had the courage to go NC yet; our communication remains strictly business via email. She still thinks I'm coming back but that's out of the question in my mind. The journey is far from over but I am safe, my belongings are removed from the house, and now I can begin to heal while clearly thinking through the next steps.

[notrightinthehead]

Wow! That escalated quickly! So glad to read that you are safe now.

[escapingman]

WOW Gravity, just wow. Well done for leaving. I can relate so much to what happened to you. I left twice last year as things were so abusive I could hardly breathe, unfortunately I was not enough Out of the FOG so she manipulated me to come back. I hope you can stay strong and stay away.  Good luck and again, well done!

[SonofThunder]

Wow! That escalated quickly! So glad to read that you are safe now.

   A HUGE congratulations on your bravery and freeing yourself.  Wow, what a story. 

Prayers and thoughts to you.

SoT

[GravityOfBeauty]

Thank you, everyone. Your support means the world. I intended to reply sooner - it's been an up and down week trying to sort out immediate issues. The first few days I had many moments where I was on the verge of driving right back home to my abuser. It felt similar to homesickness; maybe in part it was. It's wild how despite all my horrid experiences part of me still entertained the idea. In moments of doubt I turned to my closest relationships who have been walking this path alongside me. They didn't tell me what to do of course but helped ground me. A week in, feelings of going back have faded (for now at least) and I'm finding a new rhythm which feels liberating.

uBPDw is currently playing rescuer (?) talking about how she unearthed childhood trauma and is joining a four week outpatient program to "be a healthier version of the person you married."

[SonofThunder]

GoB, yes, victim and rescuer are connected in that way.  Victim=unearthed childhood trauma (not my fault 😩).  Rescuer mode initializing = Four Week Program.  If you do not respond with compassion (joining in the rescuing), you will be parked by the PD on the Persecutor side (your fault).

If you do respond compassionately, the drama triangle job of the PD is successful and the dance around the triangle will begin once again, eventually leading to the PD being the persecutor, as your to-do list bar, to keep the relationship together, gets raised higher each cycle.  This is the connection between the drama triangle and the IDD cycle (idealize, devalue, discard).  The entire objective is to keep you as the caretaker-role supplier for a hungry PD while the PD leads you on a continual drama triangle dance within the IDD cycle.

But...you are out!!  And congrats on not succumbing to the pleas of the victim/rescuer PD.  Strong willed you are for sure.   Stay strong!!

SoT

[GravityOfBeauty]

Thought I'd share an update. It's a season of immense grieving coupled with joy like I've never experienced before. Mostly grieving what I never had, rather than what I am losing. When I get depressed about losing my companion, I take time to unpack the specific memory that is triggering my sadness. I often discover I've completely dissociated immense stress or dysfunction that was present in whatever "good" memory I found myself sad about. My T says I'm essentially reprocessing my entire relationship with uBPDw with two feet firmly planted in reality.

It's been restful to have space to myself again but I realized the burden is still ever present, despite our physical distance. I find myself getting dissociated and anxious when there's communication between us, which consists of daily emails at an increasing volume. I hope to go NC once I'm able to begin legal processes. I've been dropping hints about what's next, but my uBPDw continues to play dumb. She keeps a running shared document where she dumps all her wildly erratic emotions and opinions. Most of the time I don't read it...but sometimes it's necessary. It hurts to process what she writes but equally good to see that nothing has really changed despite her efforts to go to therapy, try an outpatient intensive (she quit after day 1.) 

My hope is to begin seeking legal council this week.

[escapingman]

Gravity, you are doing great. BUT, please stop reading that document, it will only drag you back in to the drama and make you feel guilty and responsible for her. I used to get letters explaining my uNPDx feelings into details and how all her hurt was caused by me. It hurts to read and really made me feel guilty. But when I stopped reacting to to her letters she stopped writing them.

Start legal proceedings and let someone else deal with everything, yes it cost money to employ people in the legal system - but with a PD there are no real choices as there will never be possible to have an adult conversation with them.

Good luck!

[SonofThunder]

GoB, my thoughts and prayers are with you.  You wrote:

" Most of the time I don't read it...but sometimes it's necessary. It hurts to process what she writes but equally good to see that nothing has really changed despite her efforts to go to therapy, try an outpatient intensive (she quit after day 1)."

I understand what you wrote, and that the periodic truthful reminders of the unbearable past, help to keep us moving well forward.  Otherwise, the untruthful internal burdening grief within can wreak havoc on our mindset.  Keep up the good and difficult work and stay focused on truth.  I wish you the best on your legal counsel.

SoT