The last sad realisation

[Spirit in the sky]

It finally sunk in today that there is no hope for any authentic connection with either of my parents. Yesterday I witnessed the worst of their dysfunctional behaviour. The verbal abuse, the name calling, nastiness, tears, tantrums, two people tearing each other to shreds and both convinced they were right.

As usual my mother cried on my shoulder, she couldn't cope, she'd had enough how dare he call her such names. That was it, she was finished with him. Unsurprisingly my father was eavesdropping on our conversation as he always does and I heard him mumbling under his breathe for me to go away.

This morning I met my mother while walking my dog and I asked how she was. We are fine she replied, telling how her and my father had breakfast and they were waiting on a nurse coming. So I asked about the argument and was told that was all forgotten about they just needed to clear the air.

Yet again I fooled myself into thinking she was serious about making a clean break. Throughout  my childhood she threatened we were leaving my father, even packing the car and driving for miles only to realise we had nowhere to go and driving back home. I really feel the sadness today, at the weekend I thought I seen some light, I thought her and I were emotionally connecting and there was hope.

This is no hope, all I am is a shoulder to cry on until she calms down and falls for his fake apologies and feel sorry for me act. She even said that their dysfunctional relationship hasn't done me any harm.

I feel I'm grieving, I have to finally accept I will never have a real connection with either of my parents. Truthfully there was never any chance with my father, he's too self obsessed. I have no animosity for my mother, just a deep sadness. She chooses the enmeshment and feels grateful if my father gives her some fake gratitude.

She knows he eats people up and spits them out when he's done with them, she even admits it to me but in the next breathe makes some excuse for him. All I can do is witness it and pretend everything is normal because she believes it is. She carry on trying to control everything and he'll carry on draining everyone around him. I've actually ignored him for 3 days I can't bear to be in the same room.

I feel like an orphan, I have no real parents, just two dysfunctional humans who call themselves my mother and father. I'm saving myself it's all I have left.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Wow Spirit, I do agree that it is a sad realization and your statement about grieving is right on.  You seem to have such clarity on the dysfunction, and awareness of how it plays out as well as how it affects you. I think that is hugely beneficial in your healing process. I  believe it takes a lot of work and introspection to get to that point. The acceptance of the reality while very sad and painful can also be what eventually leads to peace. Your mother's comment about her relationship with your dad not having any impact on you is also inaccurate. I am so sorry. I wonder if spouses in such relationships get so worn down they just do not have much remaining to give their kids. None of this is your fault or your responsibility.
   
Personally, I think spouses convince themselves that the kids are not affected because it makes it alright for them to stay in a bad place. I cannot wrap my head around it, but I guess I stopped trying. I tend to believe it is not our responsibility to resolve or fix things between two people even when they are our parents. I also think we owe it to ourselves to do what is needed to care for our own emotional and mental well-being above all else. It is kind of a "put on your own oxygen mask first" approach. You have likely done a lot for your parents and it is alright to leave it to a higher power. Focus on the goodness within you and put energies toward your best steps forward.

[GettingOOTF]

I am sorry that your mother didn't care for and protect you when you were a child. I'm sorry she put her dysfunctional marriage and her own needs above the safety, happiness  and health of her child. You deserved so much more and it's beyond sad that you didn't get to grow up in a calm, loving, supportive home.

My mother also threatened to leave, packed her bags etc. she never left. We grew up in hell because she didn't care enough about us to leave. I try to have compassion for her so that I can move on. The worst part of her dying was realizing we would never have an authentic relationship. I mourned that for a very long time. Now I'm Out of the FOG I see that had she lived forever that relationship would never have happened.

It's a sad realization to come to but for me it was also freeing. It's allowed me to move on and build my own life (mostly) free of the burden I was carrying from being raised by parents who didn't care to provide a safe, secure and loving home for their children. I feel much stronger and more solid. It's hard to explain, but like I'm a real person now with a future and a life worth living.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Blueberry Pancakes and Gettingootf

I'm very grateful I have come this far. As I mentioned in previous posts I had my first therapy 20 years ago and it's only now I can see clearly and get perspective.

The benefit is I see all my relationships differently, people who triggered me in the past have no power over me anymore. Finally I realised I can't change other people, but I can work on myself and make informed choices.

I have good and bad days, but that's normal. I stay clear of my father when he's unbearable. I support my mother the best I can without judgment and I spend more time on things that bring me joy.

[Spirit in the sky]

https://youtu.be/ra2NN4zzFcU

This video sums up my thoughts about my narcissistic father and codependent mother perfectly (poor sound quality)

The sad thing is my mother is still in denial, and the truth would crush her. I know she didn't consciously use me to escape my father's narcissistic behaviour, but she did and all the times she cried on my shoulder throughout my childhood and adult life about how miserable he made her, and then a few days later pretended everything thing was 'all good' and normal. She's doing it now and if you think a narcissistic is bad, try living with a dying narcissist.

There is no end to the manipulation, anger, rage, tears, self pity, blame, resentment, loving bombing, it's horrible to witness and distressing to watch my mother enable him. I still have compassion for her because she's so deep In the Fog I don't think she'll ever see the light. I forgive her because she's so damaged herself she wouldn't find her way out. I am so grateful I have finally found clarity.

I still have some empathy for my dying father as a human being but I feel nothing as a daughter. I actually stopped calling my father Dad when I was a teenager because even then I recognised he'd never been a father to me. I was a useful addiction to keep my mother amused while he drank and partied. If life is an energy exchange I can honestly say my father has given nothing that didn't benefit him. My mother gives 100% then 0, 100% the 0 and so it continues.

I was giving them both 100% until I wised up. I've found a level with my mother 50/50 and that works if I keep reminding myself that's all she's capable off. With my father I'm giving 1% and even that's being generous. I'm probably getting a negative return 

[_apparentlywicked]

Yup. 2 utterly self absorbed parents here that are unable to do meaningful relationships.

But today I'm feeling good because I'm beginning to understand that there is hope, for me and this deep wounds  I'm reading about re-parenting myself and giving myself that validation that's missing in my core. I'm getting to the point where I know the healing is only going to come from me and the time I spend exploring all the false beliefs they put on me.

[Spirit in the sky]

I hear you apparently wicked,

My mother's crazy making is getting worse. The more she feels she's losing control the worse she gets. She was offered carers help because she keeps saving she can't cope with my father, but refused. I suggested he go into a nursing home we're he can be looked after properly and she won't be exhausted. The look on her face was a picture, the thought of giving up control nearly made her head spin.

My father is more than capable of making this decision for himself ,and taking responsibility for his health while he's able. Does he ? Hell no!  Instead he makes everyone's life a misery, refusing to help himself, giving orders, demanding attention and urning into a victim with the poor me act when the aggression doesn't work. He's like an addict going cold turkey, his energy supplies are drying up and he's having to look inside for something deep and meaningful and there's nothing there. Just an emotional void.

Yup. 2 utterly self absorbed parents here that are unable to do meaningful relationships.

But today I'm feeling good because I'm beginning to understand that there is hope, for me and this deep wounds  I'm reading about re-parenting myself and giving myself that validation that's missing in my core. I'm getting to the point where I know the healing is only going to come from me and the time I spend exploring all the false beliefs they put on me.