just need some support

[losingmyself]

I am having a bad day today, just with feeling worthless and bad about myself. I truly hate my life, and I have messed it up so badly. I've messed up my kids, and my relationship with them will never be a normal one, because I know that although they love me, they know that i let them down, failed them tremendously.  And my heart is broken. There's so much grief. Yesterday was a perfect example. DS worked until 7, or maybe 5, I don't know. He text me in the morning, happy mother's day, but I really expected him to come over after work, but 9 oclock came around, and I gave up hoping. DD was there, she was good, made me feel good. But when stuff like this happens, I'm never angry at him. I just say "well, you get what you deserve"      But it hurts...
UNPDH is just his usual dickhead self... yesterday he complained just on and on about everything, like just a stream of vitriol about everyone and everything he saw. He told me to drive, and complained about everything I did. Too fast, not fast enough, turn too sharp, didn't back up correctly. I know I should have just got out and made him drive, but I guess I'm so used to it.. Finally, I said "Oh, my god, can you possibly not complain about something for like 2 seconds?" That shut him up for.. 2 seconds.
He's angry because when he says that I don't have to do something, like drive back into town when I just got home, so I can have lunch with him, that doesn't mean that I don't have to if I don't want to. Yeah.  Makes sense. The lesson is, do what I suggest, even if you don't want to. He just throws the "if you want to" in there for effect. Sounds better. But, come even if you don't want to. So, now he's giving me shit because I was "too busy" to come and have lunch with him.
Now I'm just ranting.Sorry

[1footouttadefog]

Its hard when living with a pd partner spills over into so many aspects of life. 

Take Care of Yourself and make it a habit. 

[tragedy or hope]

losingmyself,
the best way I can support you is to acknowledge I get it. The part about feeling really bad about yourself for sure. In a pd environment, it's easy to get overwhelmed with other peoples stuff. All their stuff spills onto us.

It's like getting vomit all over us without being warned.  I have even said to my unpdh... "stop vomiting on me! If you are not happy with something I am doing, it is not about me, it is about you. Figure it out because I am tired of it."

It helps me and only me. This I have come to realize. Since his life is "all about him" and what he thinks and feels...shouldn't I live the same?

So what if he thinks I am selfish. He recognizes his own traits! To encourage you... kids are not stupid, they see the same behaviors you see. They deal with it in their own ways.

ds is typical at least in my experience with my sons. He probably does not see it the same as your dd. He did remember you early in the day and that's a good thing. Sounds like he cares, and did not want to forget you. You seem to be special to both of them.

You ARE special,  whether your unpdh thinks so or not. He doesn't know how lucky he is that you are still there... putting up with his whinny behavior. Give yourself credit for being the bigger person, seeing the problem and not overreacting.

[losingmyself]

Thank you. I knew I could count on you here to make me feel better.
I can feel the hugs.
I''m going to try to be more selfish. I do deserve it. If that's what he's calling it, that's his problem.
Keep your vomit to yourself........

[NumbLotus]

One more coronavirus-safe hug over here.

The driving thing would drive me up the entire wall. I can maybe handle one little pick at something I'm doing but pick pick pick pick pick GAAAAAHHHH. 

And that's if I'm feeling okay and strong. If I'm not feeling emotionally together, even one pick can already hurt a lot.

As for your DS, I don't know him but I agree that sons often don't make a big fuss about it. And I will tell you that I love my mom and she was/is a great mom but a text from me is probably all she's going to get (and a phone call is the maximum). It's just how I am, no reflection of care or feelings. I have to remind myself that other people care about it since I don't really. But it's the holiday I don't really care about - not my mom!!