Adult son still at home; can’t/won’t support himself.

[Amomforever]

Thank you to anyone who reads this, with or without replying. 
I'm at a loss about what to do.  I've been a widow for several years.  My son is in his 30s and has never moved out. He has had numerous jobs, & stuck with a few for several years each, but has only one small job now & plans to quit that.  We never required him to pay anything for living here because he earned so little.
I've loaned him thousands over the years, in many smallish amounts, most of which he hasn't repaid.
He now has help from the federal government for basic needs.
I've been paying for his weekly therapy sessions for a couple years, & for all the normal expenses in life - car insurance, dentist, etc. Even speeding tickets.  He's on prescription meds for depression and anxiety.

Yesterday he asked me for money to bring his bank account up above Minus, and for gas.  He wanted me to give him a huge chunk from an account we designated years ago for college/education.  I said no to that, and he went ballistic (by phone), saying it's HIS money, raging on and on at me, saying I have the same attitude as a Republican facing the poor...

I've been confronting within myself the question of whether he CAN support himself (if so, WHAT'S MISSING??), or whether he'll end up homeless when I'm gone.  I probably shouldn't have confronted him on this, but I did - I asked him if he had a plan for how to be able to take care of himself financially, eventually,  and he started sobbing and said, "I know you don't really love me unconditionally.  I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you. I know you think I'm a loser. I might as well kill myself. ». And he hung up.

Contact the rest of yesterday and today has been restrained & minimal.  I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.  If I can't control it, and can't cure it, am I just STUCK?  He has a pattern of verbally attacking me if he feels threatened...

[Jolie40]

welcome to the forum!

this must be so tough for you

a neighbor of mine is in a similar predicament
her child dropped out of college and has been back at home now for several years
also, works low pay jobs & currently unemployed

neighbor is moving out of state next year to retire
I asked what adult child will do & she says "no idea!"

wish there was an answer but due to higher house costs & rent, you are not alone
many in their 30s are living with their parents

would he go to school for an associate degree or train for a trade?
many trade jobs pay well & there are openings

[notrightinthehead]

It does not sound as if your son was grateful for the comfortable life your provide for him. If you do not open your purse, he attacks you verbally.
This: "I know you don't really love me unconditionally.  I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you. I know you think I'm a loser. I might as well kill myself.. " sounds a lot like manipulation to me. Threatening suicide. Trying to invoke feelings of guilt in you.
It is up to you to decide how much you want to enable him to continue with this lifestyle. Eventually you might decide to make his life a little less comfortable, reducing his benefits a little every month. Many people suffering with anxiety and depression support themselves and it seems your son would be able to do so too.
Please read the Toolbox tab for strategies that might be applicable to your situation.

[nanotech]

It's a difficult one.
I've been there with this.
Son was still living at home at 35. He'd left home couple times then his relationships would break down. He wouldn't act responsibly. He had addictions.
We helped him through those with counselling. Things improved. He went back to work.
But then he seemed stuck.
While out of work we had been keeping him. Once he was in work  he would dodge( with angry tone)  any talk about paying rent/ bills, even a small amount, then he would simply use his income as disposable income  for his social life and for material things. He would then run short of his own money very quickly, coming to us for money, sometimes only a few days after his monthly pay had come through! 
At this time he was also drinking too much.
He would always have an unexpected crisis which was never his fault.
He had no money to go visit his daughter. He had no money to insure his car. My husband would always help out.
Ever since I'd been in therapy, I'd been less inclined to. But hubby wouldn't listen.
I had begun to feel that it was 'unhelpful helping.'  Yet I was still in the FOG too.
He does have mental health problems. He had mentioned suicide at times.
What happened was this.
Covid 19.
I think our situation was predicated on his being able to use our home like a hotel, and go out and about and have his fun. Also occasionally he could bring friends home.
Covid restrictions put a stop to all of that. It meant that he if he stayed living at home, he had to shield with us ( we have health issues)
The restrictions also meant that our income reduced a lot.
We could no longer help him out financially. Not at all.
He stuck it for a while. Hubby ( and I ) began slowly to drop our feelings of FOG regarding our son's financial support- because we just didn't have it.
He began to keep his room clean and tidy ,to look for a job, a flat, then he moved out. He's now finally earning his own money and living on it.
He's doing fine. His mental health is ok. He's drinking sensibly and responsibly.

There was a point when he was still living with us, and he tried to borrow some money, citing his depression as a reason for giving it to him.
My husband turned and said, " What about OUR mental health?"
He never asked us again.
That was months ago

I can't tell you what to do. It's tricky once they mention suicide- we love them and we think of them as still small and in need of our protection.
But it got to a point with our son, before COVID, where hubby said to me that whatever our son says, we can't keep subsuming our lives out of the fear of what he might do. At some point, he told me, our son had to take responsibility for his own actions, both past and future.  We were and are, NOT responsible for his actions. HE is.This revelation  is key.

I've experienced the rages and threats. The devastating insults. The disrespect.The incredulous tone that we won't do things for him. The " You don't love me's."

Now he rings me and asks if I'm okay- do I need anything? Can he help?
It feels like a miracle.

Please take what you want from this. Leave the rest. You know your son. I can only talk about mine.
I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you that when the money stopped and our reactivity stopped, the problem resolved itself.

[nanotech]

It's a difficult one.
I've been there with this.
Son was still living at home at 35. He'd left home couple times then his relationships would break down. He wouldn't act responsibly. He had addictions.
We helped him through those with counselling. Things improved. He went back to work.
But then he seemed stuck.
While out of work we had been keeping him. Once he was in work  he would dodge( with angry tone)  any talk about paying rent/ bills, even a small amount, then he would simply use his income as disposable income  for his social life and for material things. He would then run short of his own money very quickly, coming to us for money, sometimes only a few days after his monthly pay had come through! 
At this time he was also drinking too much.
He would always have an unexpected crisis which was never his fault.
He had no money to go visit his daughter. He had no money to insure his car. My husband would always help out.
Ever since I'd been in therapy, I'd been less inclined to. But hubby wouldn't listen.
I had begun to feel that it was 'unhelpful helping.'  Yet I was still in the FOG too.
He does have mental health problems. He had mentioned suicide at times.
What happened was this.
Covid 19.
I think our situation was predicated on his being able to use our home like a hotel, and go out and about and have his fun. Also occasionally he could bring friends home.
Covid restrictions put a stop to all of that. It meant that he if he stayed living at home, he had to shield with us ( we have health issues)
The restrictions also meant that our income reduced a lot.
We could no longer help him out financially. Not at all.
He stuck it for a while. Hubby ( and I ) began slowly to drop our feelings of FOG regarding our son's financial support- because we just didn't have it.
He began to keep his room clean and tidy ,to look for a job, a flat, then he moved out. He's now finally earning his own money and living on it.
He's doing fine. His mental health is ok. He's drinking sensibly and responsibly.

There was a point when he was still living with us, and he tried to borrow some money, citing his depression as a reason for giving it to him.
My husband turned and said, " What about OUR mental health?"
He never asked us again.
That was months ago

I can't tell you what to do. It's tricky once they mention suicide- we love them and we think of them as still small and in need of our protection.
But it got to a point with our son, before COVID, where hubby said to me that whatever our son says, we can't keep subsuming our lives out of the fear of what he might do. At some point, he told me, our son had to take responsibility for his own actions, both past and future.  We were and are, NOT responsible for his actions. HE is.This revelation  is key.

I've experienced the rages and threats. The devastating insults. The disrespect.The incredulous tone that we won't do things for him. The " You don't love me's."

Now he rings me and asks if I'm okay- do I need anything? Can he help?
It feels like a miracle.

Please take what you want from this. Leave the rest. You know your son. I can only talk about mine.
I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you that when the money stopped and our reactivity stopped, the problem resolved itself.

[1footouttadefog]

I have a friend who has a difficult son.

He would not work, took drugs etc. He eventually became physically abusive and was threatening her that he woukd report this ir that thing to cps and get her younger kids removed.  She was struggling  to rebuild after being abandoned in a home with no electroc and no washer and dryer andwith no transportation.

She made the hard decision to habe him removed and get a restraining order after he hit her one night.

He couch surfed a while until each friend and relative became tired of him.

Then amazingly he discovered he can keep a job.

I would be inclined to give him enough of that money to rent a place then change the locks.