Retirement

[SparkStillLit]

I recently expressed an interest in a...I don't know what you'd call it, a lifestyle I'd like to have in retirement?
It's something updh has reacted negatively to in the past. THIS time he hopped all over it "well why did you never say! This gives us something to plan for, and a career I can shoot for!" "
(Omfgosh. We're nearly 50. He's been UE for over a year now.)
"Where would you like to live?"
Then....slowly...obstacles....as usual....the same stuff....
I just MC all this. It's always the same thing. You CANNOT plan with PDs. I guess I'm just going to have to DO whenever I get to whatever bridge.
Anymore, it's just one day at a time.
I have GOT to just look out for me.
Any of you friends, neighbors, brothers, sisters, elves, dwarves, wizards, hobbits, men and women gathered here for this purpose have this same experience?
Like, when you get down to the nitty gritty....there's just nothing? They just throw up roadblocks? And then that way, if YOU make a decision, if anything runs amok, they can point the finger.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex was petrified of thinking about the future and about what he wanted in life. (He might still be; I'm not sure, so that's why I'm using the past tense.) When I had a therapist, she suggested once that I ask him what he would do if he had the money and freedom to do anything he wanted. I looked at her and thought, "Great idea for most people, but he's going to freeze and not be able to answer this question." I was right. I did ask him, and it was difficult to look at him as he struggled to respond. His expression conveyed that he felt as though I were physically torturing him.

I think this aspect of my ex's personality is why he became his parents' caregiver, despite the work being so unpleasant and his difficulty getting along with his father. Ex could say to himself, "I have to do this" and "Now I don't have to think about what I'd like to do."

[losingmyself]

Spark, yes, he'll say that if he never makes a decision, he can't be blamed if something goes wrong. He says that. Out loud.
My H will talk about all the grand plans he has for the future, then not move in any way to accomplish those goals. I have learned to take one day at a time.
My future always looks like he's not in it.

[Pepin]

When I had a therapist, she suggested once that I ask him what he would do if he had the money and freedom to do anything he wanted.

Ahh....this is a question I have wanted to ask DH.  But.  I already know the answer.  The sad answer is that we cannot do anything until PDmil passes.  Our life is on hold because of her being alive.  Which means that we aren't really living and our marriage really isn't ours.

Now, ask me the question and I would tell you that my bags are packed and I'm ready to go!  Actually, I wouldn't take any bags if I had the money...I am literally dying to go anywhere to get any from PDmil (and sometimes DH).  A nice quiet town with nice people.....and some sun.     And our kids would join me, too because they can't stand PDmil and how she steals their father away from them every chance she gets.  They don't like it either where we are.....but  gotta stay put because of PDmil....

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry your marriage and family life are constrained (I know, that's a mild term) by the relationship between your mother-in-law and your husband, Pepin. I understand all too well what this feels like.

[tragedy or hope]

So sorry you have to feel this way over something that should be a  joy. To me the pleasure is also in the planning.
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Having a rough marriage, when it came to retirement, I kind of stepped in to give my take before he knew what to do. He can never clearly make up his mind and complicates everything.

I told him what I wanted. I also told him why, and I hoped he wanted it too. If he did not, why would we stay together if we did not share our golden years enjoying  our time. If he did not want what I wanted, maybe it would be better to consider going our separate ways as I did not want to feel misery the rest of my life doing things I did not want to do.

I then laid out what would be my olan and why I thought it would be the best for both of us. Of course he did his control thing... making up crazy things I would not want to do... like livimg in Belize. (which is supposed to b e lovely but not my thing.)

I just kept at it. Let him talk, I did not give up an inch on what I said. Eventually he came along, and when he did it became something he embraced... all the moving, house hunting etc... he could feel in some control. Honestly, looking at houses at times I was embarrassed at his weird behavior,  but to get what I wanted I just kept pursuing.

I think I had had it by then. I also used the fact that not being together would make us both poorer elderly people without the funds to enjoy what we had worked for.  to me nothing is sadder than a lonely elderly person who can barely get by . and also, does not have someone in the house to check on them.

we kind of knew that neither of us was into the other, but there are some good times. now we are established a bit.

this worked for me. hope you can express what you want, you deserve to be heard.

[Fae Greenwood]

I am now 60, but I began the retirement planning in my late 40's as a result of watching my elderly parents struggle. I've noted that it's common to be behind the reality curve in accepting the decline of aging. I've seen people finally look into Assisted Living only to discover that they actually need skilled nursing care. I've seen spouses finally contact that caregiver's "daycare" only to be told, on no uncertain terms, that their spouse now needs to placed in a memory care facility. I have to make my uNPDh part of my retirement plan and I don't see how it will work. I just don't.

The realities of aging are that you either die quickly from a sudden severe illness or injury or you decline slowly over time until you cross that line of being unable to care for yourself independently.  There is info all over the internet about slowing that process of decline. It comes down to this; 1) you need moderate daily exercise, a healthy diet and a healthy weight,  2) strong stable relationships, 3) frequent social interaction with people you don't know well, and 4) new activities like new hobbies or taking classes. I cannot have 2, 3, or 4 with him in my life. He has no friendships outside of his work and any time I've included him in my own friendships he's blown them up. He is unwilling to talk even casually to people he doesn't know well outside of work, and he is resistant to any new activity. And he criticizes everything and everyone all the time. It's exhausting.  When asked a few years ago about what he wanted to do in retirement, he replied with astonishment that that would be my job. He's an emotional leech and the energy that I should have been putting into myself and my community went to propping him up. I know I can't care for him in retirement without hastening my decline. And he still has the grandiose dream of living in the big house on the high hill surrounded by grateful peasants tugging at their forelocks. Also my parents were desperately unhappy with each other and it made their senior years torture for each other and all their children. I refuse to go down that road.

So I am researching active senior communities. I am setting up a budget. I am considering an area's medical care, access to airports, weather, my ability to see the grandkids on a frequent basis if I live there, etc. The main question is whether I can wait until I qualify for Medicare or do I pull the trigger earlier as health insurance costs are a big unknown. I wish I'd left as soon as my youngest moved out three years ago as that turn's out to have been a good time in hindsight.  Now I've got family obligations for grandchildren and can't leave the area but at 65 I'm out.

[SparkStillLit]

Huh. Yikes. Thank you for these replies. Some of these are...well, wow. Things might be different than I have hoped for. Actually Senior Living might be right up his alley, and something I can certainly live with, though definitely not my first choice at all. However, that way he could not take up my energy if we were more "on our own". That's smart. Definitely smart.

[Poison Ivy]

Fae Greenwood, this made me smile: "he still has the grandiose dream of living in the big house on the high hill surrounded by grateful peasants tugging at their forelocks."  (I realize the reality probably makes you cry!)

[Fae Greenwood]

Poison Ivy, actually it does make me laugh, as I consider a derisive snort to be laughter. 

[Cascade]

I am dreading my husband's retirement! If he works till the typical retirement age, I'll have a few years of relative peace left, but he's mentioned retiring early, even though we don't have nearly enough savings for that, and we will still have a mortgage on our home and will be paying on that for many years to come.

[11JB68]

Mine is basically semi-retired anyway. Chose to start a business years ago which barely started making money about 10 years ago. Had a minor heart attack almost a year ago and still insists he can only work 3 hours per day, at $50/hour. Yet won't hear that we should sell our house and rent/downsize (even though he is too 'invalid' to do much around the house). This is currently what is making me wonder why I stay....and should I leave... I can't do 30-40 more years of this - all we do is sit and watch TV for hours every night. It's exhausting and unhealthy. I actually enjoy going to work! How sad is that?

[Cascade]

11JB68, I'm planning on staying married but sometimes when I think of all the potential years we may have left together, I get overwhelmed! Too bad your husband doesn't work more than three hours a day, that's not very much.