Things I'm learning about friendships

[LemonLime]

Well, it's taken me til middle-age but I think I'm learning some things about friendships that I can pass on to my kids.  I spent an awful lot of my time bumbling around in friend relationships when I was younger.   If there was conflict in them, I dreaded and avoided it.   It caused so much unhappiness if things weren't going well.  What I think I learned:
1.  just because you've known someone for a really long time doesn't mean they are a "friend".  They might just be a long-time acquaintance.
2.  if a friendship is starting to falter, it's worth asking the person how they're viewing things.  It's worth some trouble-shooting if it's a good friend.
3.  it's rarely too late to apologize.  Even if it doesn't save the friendship it will make me have fewer regrets later.
4.  Just because a friendship ends, it doesn't mean it's someone's fault.   Sometimes paths diverge.
5.  If I meet someone at a pivotal time in my life, I might assign more importance to a relationship than it warrants.  I should beware of that.
6.  The world will not end just because a friendship ends.  I will be OK.
7.  Friends don't "owe" me anything.    The best thing they can do is show me what they value and what they feel.   It is not their job to spare me from disappointment.   If I feel disappointed, I need to look at my own expectations.   If my expectations do not match what they are giving me, I need to adjust my expectations.  Or readjust my friends list.  I don't need to hate them.   
8.  Facing reality and facing "what is" is my best strategy to a fulfilling life.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

This is beautiful.  Thank you for sharing it!

I wish I'd used the same standards for a life partner I did for a friend.  I put up with things with them that I never would have in a friendship.  I believe a life partner should also be a good friend.

[Hopeful Spine]

7.  Friends don't "owe" me anything.    The best thing they can do is show me what they value and what they feel.   It is not their job to spare me from disappointment.   If I feel disappointed, I need to look at my own expectations.   If my expectations do not match what they are giving me, I need to adjust my expectations.  Or readjust my friends list.  I don't need to hate them.   

Your whole list is awesome.  Thanks for sharing.  This one in particular is what I'm struggling with this past year.   I give too much and I expect too much in return.  It hurts.  It's hard to accept that the people you want to "bring it" don't.  Never did.  When you lower your expectations across the board one might be able to experience a more reasonable measuring stick.  But for a person like myself, it feels like I'm am left with a bunch of unfulfilling relationships.  And some are.  But some are good.  I'm slowly learning which is which.  My awareness is  working with new people.  A new friendship has developed in my life and I'm finding myself behaving a bit more cautiously with this one. 

[JenniferSmith]

7.  Friends don't "owe" me anything.    The best thing they can do is show me what they value and what they feel.   It is not their job to spare me from disappointment.   If I feel disappointed, I need to look at my own expectations.   If my expectations do not match what they are giving me, I need to adjust my expectations.  Or readjust my friends list.  I don't need to hate them.   

Your whole list is awesome.  Thanks for sharing.  This one in particular is what I'm struggling with this past year.   I give too much and I expect too much in return.  It hurts.  It's hard to accept that the people you want to "bring it" don't.  Never did.  When you lower your expectations across the board one might be able to experience a more reasonable measuring stick.  But for a person like myself, it feels like I'm am left with a bunch of unfulfilling relationships.  And some are.  But some are good.  I'm slowly learning which is which.  My awareness is  working with new people.  A new friendship has developed in my life and I'm finding myself behaving a bit more cautiously with this one.

I relate a lot to what you wrote, Hopeful Spine.  In my own case, I've realized that due to the emotional unavailability of my parents (each in different ways), I have a very strong tendency to create relationships where this same dynamic is at play. I've spent my entire adult life slowly chipping away at it, and am still working at it.

I've reached a point over the past few years where I am very willing to reach out to others and initiate friendships, but I pay close attention to reciprocity. If the other person is reciprocating, I will keep moving forward, but if I begin to notice that it feels one-sided and I am the only one making an effort (suggesting plans, sending texts, etc)., I use that as a cue that this person is not available for friendship at this time. They may be a lovely acquaintance, and that is perfectly ok, but I let go of any expectations beyond this. I will respond if I hear from them, and maybe reach out now and then, but I accept that it won't go further than that.

This process has resulted in me making a couple of wonderful reciprocal friends, and then several other acquaintances.  In the case of the acquaintances, I've honestly been quite disappointed that these people weren't available for the type of friendship I am seeking. But instead of putting more energy into them, I channel that energy into finding opportunities to meet new people.

Of course I don't say any of this to anyone! It sounds a bit cold the way I've written it, but it comes down to valuing myself and accepting that not everyone I like is going to be able to be the sort of friend I want. I am someone who is very thoughtful, considerate, and empathic toward others, and I desire to cultivate relationships with others who share my values. 

[treesgrowslowly]

I like your list too!

There are a heck of a lot of people in the world who want us to be their friend while they are (at best) our acquaintance. That is a dynamic I am so done with now. It always falls apart if we tune in to them more than they tune in to us.

Trees

[Hopeful Spine]

I've reached a point over the past few years where I am very willing to reach out to others and initiate friendships, but I pay close attention to reciprocity. If the other person is reciprocating, I will keep moving forward, but if I begin to notice that it feels one-sided and I am the only one making an effort (suggesting plans, sending texts, etc)., I use that as a cue that this person is not available for friendship at this time. They may be a lovely acquaintance, and that is perfectly ok, but I let go of any expectations beyond this. I will respond if I hear from them, and maybe reach out now and then, but I accept that it won't go further than that.

Same.  All of what you wrote is me exactly (or how I'm striving to be).  I have an acquaintance that I considered a friend.  She is truly wonderful and we have a blast together.  Except that I always initiate the contact, plan the outings, usually drive to pick her up, make all the decisions on the day we are together, and then follow up later with a "glad we got together today" text.  A few times I helped her in a time of need and she appreciated it.  I really, like her - still do.  But that one sided thing bugged me.  And in my time of need she just wasn't there.  It didn't feel like we were equally matched.  She's now an amusing "friend" on social media who sometimes says, "Miss you.  We need to plan another outing!"  I usually reply with, "Love to.  Let me know when your calendar is free."  It's been years since we've gotten together but that's okay.

The new friend I mentioned in my previous post is a new challenge for me.  We had a few outings that I enjoyed.  They were more of a business nature but a respectful, mutual relationship has resulted.  She just had surgery and I'm stopping myself from doing my usual - bring a covered dish to her house, mail a card, send flowers, offer to babysit.  Before I could even send her short "hope you are doing well" text, she messaged me and asked me to do a business favor.  Which I'm happy to do.  I replied with a nice comment about her recovery and she didn't reply back.  Later that day she asked for another favor, which I will also do. 

Being disappointed that I'm not rating a more personal reply to my text, shows that I'm expecting too much from a woman who just had surgery.  I need to reel myself back in.  I'm mindful that she JUST had major surgery and is trying to juggle her personal life, her business obligations and her recovery all at once.  It's fine.  But I'm watching myself.  This person is not yet a "friend".  Helping a fellow businesswoman with a few small favors is the right thing to do.  Mailing a card is kind and appropriate.  Showing up with a lasagna and babysitting her children - that's too much. 

It's exhausting learning how to gauge each relationship in order to give others a chance without judgement, but also to protect myself.  I hope it get's easier soon.