Raised with Dogs * Got Fleas

[Hepatica]

I had a sh*t night last night, after a crap day and went to bed after acting like a PD to my husband, but I don't think I am a PD. I don't like confrontation. I like peace. I think I have fleas.

I am struggling big time with learned helplessness and had a headache all day long and was in a foul mood by the time my husband came home. I lost my temper with him knowing full well that he didn't deserve it and if he had deserved a gentle nudge, I could have said it without raising my voice and swearing at him. It happens rarely but when I do, I feel hellish afterwards and so lonely and scared and worried that I have become the same as my uNPD mother.

How do you know if its fleas or if you too are like your disordered family of origin? How would I have escaped the bite of the family legacy of dysfunction? I have gone to therapy since I was in twenties and I do a lot of soul searching so I don't think I'm PD but last night I looked like one.

I am very much struggling, as I am sure all of us are, with COVID restrictions and not being able to see a therapist in person. I hate Facetime and won't do it, so I don't have the support I used to have.

I am weepy and sad and scared and lonely and tired and afraid. I had horrible dreams that I was not going to live a fulfilled life last night. Everything I begin, I quit for various reasons. The truth of how I am behaving was stark and harsh.

I am in this hopeful, dash all the hope cycle lately - and as I move into my fifties I am tired and I don't have the gumption I used to have that gave me the sense that I would recover from the past.

I am writing this this AM bc it's better than keeping it inside. None of my friends are educated about personality disorders. That is a lonely thing also.

[GettingOOTF]

I think that if you are struggling with it and asking then it is Fleas. People with PDs don't struggle as such, it's what and who they are.

I had a lot of learned helplessness. I also had a lot of anger. I think most of the anger came from the learned helplessness.

There is no easy way out of this. It's really hard to change a lifetime of conditioning. Try to be gentle with yourself and do what  you can each day.

I also took my frustration out on others. It was easier than looking inward. I have addressed the learned helplessness and it really changed my life. I did it with small things to start. Simple things like getting out of bed at a set time, putting away clothes, tidying up after myself, eating better. I started small and was able to build.

I highly recommend reading Codependent No More. It changed my life.

The thing I came to learn is that to heal I had to do things I hated. "The only way out is through" is an accurate description of my journey.

[Hepatica]

I had a lot of learned helplessness. I also had a lot of anger. I think most of the anger came from the learned helplessness.

Well, something about your comment, that particular one hit home and here I am crying again like a helpless baby.  I think it is a relief to know that normal people also feel anger. I feel so guilty when I feel anger, but it is a normal response. I just don't like it when it looks like the anger I saw from my mother. I so never want to be like her.

Something about that frustration of learned helplessness. When i begin something with the best of intentions and cannot stick to it like successful people do. Makes me so mad!!! 

It makes me think the very early baby years stuff that happened is in need of some healing bc this feeling often comes when I don't feel well and can't take charge as easily bc i'm tired and the house feels like the playpen I was left in for hours when my mother ignored me.

Ha. And that's exactly what made me angry last night. I felt like my husband ignored me. I had gone the entire day not doing much of anything bc of the headache and just wanted some snuggling time before bed and he went and did some work for an hour (after being gone all day.) And I felt such fury. I imagine I probably felt that fury a lot as a baby and toddler. Old, old woundings are flaring.... 

It's like the anger a baby might feel when extra tired and maybe hungry and nobody picks them up and helps them stabilize. (I realize I have to do this myself..)

I need to, you're right, take it easy and be gentle and encouraging to myself, like a good mama. Hopefully i can rewire that old trauma.

Yes. And I do need to do things I don't like to do. Every successful person knows this and I want to be successful. It's just so darn annoying that i am still reparenting myself at this age. Arg. And here I am angry again at my lot in life. Invisible trauma sucks. It sucks so much.

(Please know that I am also quite aware that I am yet just one of all the humans and living things on this planet enduring all kinds of trauma. I hate sounding so selfish today. But I guess I have to feel it to heal it.)

[Laurie]

I had a sh*t night last night, after a crap day and went to bed after acting like a PD to my husband, but I don't think I am a PD. I don't like confrontation. I like peace. I think I have fleas.

This sounds to me like a simple stress overload rather than a PD or even a fleas issue.  When I get like this, and I DEFINITELY DO when I get stressed out, it's time to detach and watch a silly TV show (The Masked Singer or on youtube Grackle (puts me in a good mood every time) or Would I Lie to You), play with my dogs (as they are more balanced than most people I know), or bake a batch of chocolate cupcakes or brownies from a box mix then eat at least one fresh out of the oven with diet Cool Whip on top to balance it out. 

My husband and I have really stupid fights oven nothing important when we are stressed out.  I am also in my fifties, and this has been true for the last twenty years.  The only antidote for me seems to be to counteract the stress with something I enjoy.

[Boat Babe]

Hiya Hepatica.
Sorry to hear you had a bad day. I hope you have been able to communicate with your husband and restore marital harmony. It's good that you can recognize behaviours that are not helpful and that you can see where the feelings that drove them might have come. I speak as a woman and know that hormones can also exacerbate these situations. They certainly did in my life, especially the longish peri menopause in my early fifties (my poor partner at the time!)

Try and practice some mindful self compassion exercises and meditations around these issues. They have really worked for me and there's a stack of online resources by the wonderful Dr Neff.  Big hugs 😁

[Hepatica]

Thanks Laurie, It was definitely an overload and I handled it in a way that I would like to work on.

Boat Babe, Thanks. i think you're right about hormones. I am definitely noticing quite severe emotional regulation issues the week or so before my periods. I'm 52 and still getting them regularly but I get very down, more than I ever did when I was younger. Been making sure to take salmon oil and vitamins and this used to be enough to help, but now I am getting super severe depression which lifts on the day the flow starts. It's time to talk to my doctor bc I keep trying to handle it on my own.

[Boat Babe]

Hepatica - deffo go see your doctor. I was a pigging nightmare for a good couple of years at your age! I really regret some of my behaviours!

[Laurie]

There are a couple easily fixed issues that can lead to bad moods if not diagnosed and addressed.  Some I am aware of are vitamin D deficiency (which I had and was treated). B12 deficiency and underactive thyroid.  It might be worth getting these looked at when you see your doctor.