New member - first holiday season NC

[xtra_crispy_recipe]

Hi all!
I'm so happy to have found this forum and all of your stories! I just wanted to post as we head into our first holiday season since my husband went NC with my NPD MIL. Long story of emotional abuse, gaslighting, and making everyone else responsible for her emotions. I'm very happy with my husband's decision and he is in a much better place than he was in January when the NC began. He has being going to therapy and I'm really proud of him for taking care of his  own feelings rather than just going back to her to make her comfortable.

The timing of all of this is extra hard on MIL, as it's coming at a time when both her sister and her mother have also gone NC with her. She's losing people left and right and she's scrambling to try to bring DH back into her grasp... I wonder if she'll do any self-reflection and think about WHY all these people would leave her... nah, nothing's wrong with her, everyone else must be crazy, right?? ^sarcasm

My biggest challenge right now is the other siblings being used to try to hoover my husband back into contact. When MIL is unhappy, she makes sure everyone around her is unhappy as well and the other siblings are all used to just putting their own feelings after MIL's feelings. My youngest SIL lives in our basement apartment, and she is the one who is under MIL's thumb the most of all siblings. With the holidays coming up, every time we see SIL she asks about us coming to Thanksgiving and talks about how hard this is for MIL. DH tries very hard to not talk to SIL about MIL, but SIL comes to me with these questions about Thanksgiving and asking "when will DH be over this?" and I just know that these are messages being sent through my MIL and SIL - triangulating? Quadrangulating? Anyway, it's just frustrating to be in the middle of a tug of war that I shouldn't be involved in. I tell SIL that this is between MIL and DH and I just try to take care of myself and work through anything that comes up with my own therapist... and I recommend that she does the same because this is between DH and MIL and it's not our job to make sure either of them are comfortable. But SIL is young and very much still under MIL's control... maybe enabling her behavior? I'm just starting to think about enabling as I read through this forum...

I thought about thanksgiving today and the truth of the matter is that I am VERY happy with the decision to not attend thanksgiving with MIL. It's never a pleasant experience, and I'm so happy to have the excuse of COVID and DH's NC to be able to cook in my own kitchen, eat all the leftovers, and have a quiet break from work with no stressful travel or cramped guest beds. I like to see all the siblings and the nephew, but MIL just makes the whole event stressful and uncomfortable.

I don't really need any advice, I'm just happy to have found a space to talk with people who understand what I'm going through and who I can come to if I ever do need advice or support for anything.

I hope everyone feels as good about their plans for the upcoming holiday season as I'm feeling right now!

Best.

[bloomie]

Hi and a warm welcome to you! Thank you for giving us a glimpse of what brings you here. What a lot of healthy movement forward you and your DH have made in these difficult relationships. 

It sounds like a great place to be at... to be anticipating joyful and peace filled holidays in your own home free from the cloud of dysfunctional behaviors. I celebrate with you the hard won ground you have reclaimed for yourself and your family of choice.

I look forward to your participation and insights as you join the conversations!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome.

I have been NC for years. I can say that those family members who contacted me to tell me how hard this (my being NC)  is on my narc relatives did drop off after the first year.

Lots of people are foggy in the average family. Stay strong and do what you know is right for you.

Trees

[Thru the Rain]

We've been NC with my FIL for many years, and holidays are so much better for us. We used to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with DH's father and step-mother, and honestly those were lost and ruined holidays in my memory.

The worst came once FIL bought a condo in a vacation location, and expected we would come and stay a few days over every holiday. We were so trapped, stuck in this weird limbo of adults demoted to child status.

We didn't start NC because of the holidays, but getting our holidays back was a really nice bonus.

[xtra_crispy_recipe]

Lots of people are foggy in the average family. Stay strong and do what you know is right for you.

100% there are definitely a few family members still very much in the fog. Looking forward to the day they come out of it, but for now we will keep strong!

Thank you!