My Life as a Dateline Episode

[Stillirise]

Wow. It's been some week over here.  Thank God, stbxUPDh has mostly left me alone.  However, more and more evidence of the depth of his dysfunction continues to reveal itself. 

At the beginning of the week, a family member leveled with me about concerns for my personal safety.  These concerns were based on several coincidences, and seemingly unrelated past events, that when added together, raised this person's level of concern.  I am trying my best to be as safe and secure as possible, without allowing myself to become overly paranoid, or anxious. It's quite a tightrope to remain both vigilant and rational at the moment.

Then, later in the week, I was home alone, when a stranger rang my doorbell.  I spoke with him though the door.  After a couple minutes, I figured out he was basically looking for my stbx, because he believed him to be involved with his own stbxW.   While I'm incredibly mistrustful of basically everyone right now, I was curious what the man had to say.  I'm not sure how much of what he told me is true, and am mindful that there are other sides to that story, as well. However, it appears I might be the least of stbxUPDh's worries at the moment. That would make sense as to why he has been behaving in an almost reasonable manner toward me lately! 

I would love to spill more details of this particular encounter with the stranger at my door, but am fearful of this being discovered.  Even if the stranger is as disordered as the stbx, I doubt he rings random doorbells, and tells any woman who answers it, this story! Suffice to say it might make a great podcast or show someday, if even part of it shakes out to be true!

Has anyone else had these kinds of dramatic and out-there reveals during this process?!

[GettingOOTF]

I look back on my marriage and I am genuinely shocked that my ex didn’t kill me. If you’d told me this at the time I’d have laughed in your face and thought you were being overly dramatic.

I think it’s impossible for us to see the danger in our situations when we are in them. The brain goes to all sorts of lengths to convince us we are safe. It keeps us in the familiar as what is familiar is what it thinks of as safe. Those of us in this relationship have a great ability to ignore what we don’t want to see.

Years after my divorce I found out my husband had been cheating for almost all of the marriage. If you met him you’d be shocked. He’s nothing like what you think of when you think of a cheater.

If someone is at your door saying he’s cheating with their wife then it’s very probably true.

Cheating is another dynamic in Pd relationships and it’s very common. The behavior in cheating situations is very similar to abuse and general PD behavior.

I recommend the site Chump Lady. It’s like this site in that it’s totally eye opening and you will never be able to look at things the same way after reading around it.

It takes a lot for someone to point out their concerns about someone’s safety around intimate relationships. If someone has made the effort to do so I’d take them seriously.

I watched the Chris Watts documentary on Netflix. The texts between him and his wife were chilling. You could see her bending and twisting herself to keep him happy and his responses were typical of someone checked out of a relationship. At the end it said that in the US three women are killed  EVERY DAY by their partners or former partner.

Please check out the Chump Lady website, you will also see what it takes for someone to confront the cheating partner’s affair partner or spouse. This is also not something people do lightly.

I had a few dramatic and out there things during my marriage and divorce. They were all explained away by my ex or I, in the terms of Chump Lady, spackeled them away. I can’t list the crazy situations as they are too identifying, but they were also movie-level crazy.

[GettingOOTF]

Also the thing that stood out for me the most about the Chris Watts documentary was how Shannan let her friends talk her out of her suspicions. She did not trust her gut. Had she done so there's a good chance she'd be alive today.

hhaw recommends The Gift  of Fear like I recommend Codependent No More.  I read TGoF. It is a fantastic resource and one every woman should read. I could clearly see times in my life when I'd ignored or listened to my gut and their outcomes.

[Stillirise]

GOOTF, thank you. Your insights are always so helpful!

I am watching that documentary right now. Chilling—I had to take a break to gather myself, and reply here! 

I have read both of those books, and have highlighted lots of passages in both! They, along with this site, have helped me more than anything, get to where I am now. I realize now that I spent most of my life giving little thought to my personal safety or security.  I need to go check out Chump Lady.  I have a feeling I will find "my people" there too!

I am taking my safety very seriously now. I have protocols and procedures in place for a variety of threats.  However, I sometimes feel like I'm tipping toward paranoia—seeing everything as a threat.  I am trying to stay rational, and trust my gut, while not alerting the children to my fears or concerns.  I want them to know our home is safe and secure, and I don't want them to be afraid!

Coincidentally, when the stranger came to my door, I was listening to a podcast, "Something Was Wrong." The first story is about a woman who was conned by an obviously disordered man. By listening to her gut, and to the instincts of her close friends and family, she narrowly escaped marrying him.  When a man appeared unannounced on my doorstep, I was convinced at first that my stbx had sent him for some nefarious reason.  After listening to my gut, I decided that while I didn't actually trust the guy, he meant me no physical harm, and definitely wasn't on an intel mission for the stbx, but was on one about him.

I can't see what other damning evidence literally shows up on my front step before this is over! 

[GettingOOTF]

I always joke "it's the paranoid people who survive". 

I agree it is a fine line. I've been divorced for years and my ex is still threatening me, but not in a way the police can (or choose) to do any thing about. I can't live my life in fear but also I need to worry about things others don't give a second thought to. Sometimes I think I'm still too involved in the fallout from my ex and letting that marriage take up too much space in my life. It's hard to know what to do for the best, but I'm making it work and it sounds like you are too.