Do you go out of your way to do nice things and spend time with your partner?

[Consumed]

I am torn between trying to fully detach and keep my husband at arms length, and wanting to be a kind person and going out of my way to do nice things for him or with him. For example I purchased myself something really nice for dinner that I intend to have one evening when he is out, and he has commented how nice it looks and I have suggested we can share it on an evening we are home together instead. Also there is a show which I love and would like to watch on my own whilst indulging in weekly bubble baths, but instead we are now watching it together and I don't enjoy it as much. When I go to the supermarkets I try to pick out items I know he would enjoy and in fairness he can sometimes do the same for me.

I am still subjected to narc type abuse whether I do these things or not, and I'm thinking actually maybe I should have that nice dinner to myself. And maybe I should watch the show on my own. But I feel if I take these things away, then there will be very little shared time together which I do not mind at all, but he will complain that we barely spend anytime together. And so maybe this is an opportunity to just keep some kind of base level of mutual interests and time spent together. Or should I just fully put myself first and only think of me and do what is in my best interest and not do things for him?

I do know that when he treats me poorly, I totally regret anything I have done for him and any sacrifices I have made.

[Free2Bme]

Hi Consumed,

Healthy relationships include; me, you and us.  It is good for both partners to have separate interests, likes/dislikes, and activities.  It is important to have things in common that you both enjoy doing together.  Ideally, these habits should be encouraged and supported by both parties.  However IME, relationships with a disordered person are out of balance.  There is no separate "you" and "me", and little cultivation of the "us". 

Enjoying a meal, TV show, or other benign activity sometimes without your SO is not only ok, but healthy.  I don't think this is something to have guilt over. 

If you invest in together time with him and it doesn't go well, is not appreciated, or is not reciprocated, then maybe it wouldn't have high expectations for future events.  When you do plan something kind for him, make sure you can do it without expectations. 

If there is a complaint about not enough shared time together, then this might be an opportunity to calmly explain your perspective and that when he treats you poorly that you are discouraged and apprehensive about initiating time together. 

[Tinkerbell12]

Hey Consumed,

I can so relate to they way you feel! You look like a naturally giving a caring person and I bet you give, offer, go out of your way for people etc. It feels so hurtful when you give from your heart and the partner gives a tiny little bit back (obviously only when it suits him!). I'm just the same. I offer help, go extra mile out of my way for him from my own initiative, and he just does it for me only when convenient for him. And then this feeling of inadequacy keeps creeping in and many times I think - why should I offer help, why should I do extra this and that etc if he does not. But I don't want to turn into this person to play this game. Difficult situation.

Regarding your own time, you definitely have to have the time on your own for your self. Just make sure you do stuff together with him through, so it balances it out. There is nothing wrong if you take one  evening or even couple of ours once or twice a week for yourself, you will feel so much better!

[tragedy or hope]

AND I would say, they do not have a self. All of the engaging they are doing is helping them create a persona. You are the one he wishes to emulate. He has to learn from you how to "be." He really does not know how. In joining you he is able to copy your likes, how you behave, what you think etc...

This wiil be useful to him at some point. Remember they are like sponges. What he gets from you he will use in other relationships to appear normal, whether it is an interest, a comment, a like, a meal prep... whatever. It sound weird, but I have had this happen a lot. He behaves as if it is "our" time but he is studying how I behave and respond etc.. at some point I will see it reflected back to SOMEONE ELSE. His time spent with me is a useful tool to him.

In fact, my unpdh has so absconded with my personality... he shares it before I get a word out sometimes, and takes my life from me when we are with others. It is totally deflating. He says what I think and feel as it were his thoughts and feelings before I even speak. He is sneaky at it and will act as if it is his way of being.

Take some time for yourself and guard it. I see by your moniker, you feel "consumed." He will try something else at another time. They get in your head and always want you to think of them first.

[tommom]

How well said, tragedy or hope!

Yes, they do look to you to show them how to act. Over the 40 plus years we have been together, it has become obvious more and more. My PDh says things that I said as things HE said, describes things as if he was there when he wasn't and on and on. You are right. And yes, they do want to always be first and only.

But you can separate, Consumed; draw a boundary between you two. Boundaries are not useful to them but they are essential for us. And self care is essential too. I know I am hardly one to hold myself up, I am a great deal the same as you, I enjoy sharing. That is why they chose us, BTW,

I don't know if you have ever read "How to Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" but it was excellent in helping me get to a better place. I would recommend it highly.

[SparkStillLit]

I've an even weirder thing to share, as us being one person (that just takes on a whole new really unromantic meaning with PDs, doesn't it!!). Updh talks to me in his head a lot. At least, I think he does. It's the only explanation I have for a lot of the stuff he does. He dorsn't even need the real me there, because he hashed it all out with the me in his head, and that's now how he remembers it. He will say he answered me, several times even, when I was RIGHT THERE and he never made a single sound. He will say we had these conversations, and we certainly did not. He tells me he said things to me, and again, I was RIGHT THERE and he didn't make a single sound. Either he is talking to me in his head, or it's an extreme form of gaslighting. I don't know how you would think you can gaslight somebody who is standing RIGHT EFFING THERE and knows you didn't make any noise, but whatever. Who knows how PDs work. I always insist he answer me out loud, or we "re-have" the conversation, or what have you, so if he's gaslighting, you'd think he'd notice it doesn't work. But again, WHO KNOWS how they think.

[Cascade]

Yes, I sometimes go out of my way to spend time with my partner and do nice things for him. I don't always enjoy it. I know what you mean about it being more enjoyable to watch a show by yourself. My husband talks too much while we are watching a show together. Sometimes it doesn't matter but sometimes I miss the whole plot when he does this. If I'm watching a show I really like, sometimes I will watch it by myself and later watch it with him, without him knowing of course. That way I can relax and just enjoy the show again and not mind if he yammers on. As far as food goes, I keep some treats to myself, since he's heavier than the doctor said he should be.

[1footouttadefog]

I find myself playing the same sort of balancing act.

Balancing between me being decent to all around me and the fact that the relationship is broken.

My take on it is that I am still here by choice and I treat others around me decently regardless so I treat pdh well also even if its not reciprocated.

So for once its all about me, its about who I am.  Like when I stop  at 4 way stops at 3 AM when no one is around, its who I am. 

[SparkStillLit]

Lol I stop too. It's a STOP SIGN. ha ha! AND I look all ways!!