Balance at Work: Pitching in as a team player vs. codependent fixer

[Laurie]

I'm struggling more recently at my workplace with finding a balance between being a well-liked team player and getting dumped on unfairly with tasks that should belong to others.  To complicate matters, while my boss has no problem being assertive with me, he is less comfortable standing up to others who may not be picking up the ball and doing their part.  I then end up working weekends to get my work done as well as the "extras", or getting dung on my performance review because there weren't enough high profile exciting projects on my plate.

There are times when this "helping out" is assigned from the top down, and I don't have a choice.  The boss clearly wants me to do it.  I will then work on the weekend to get my own work done.  There are also times when the boss tells me the other group should be taking care of XYZ, but then they don't do it and the boss does not stand up to them.  Sometimes I go ahead and pick up the ball myself rather than letting things fall apart and possibly having the result come back to bite me later.

Other times, a task is clearly the responsibility of another individual in another team (I'll call him Larry).  Rather than going to that individual or their boss, my boss comes to me and says "I need xyz done by ... can you guarantee Larry will have it done by then?"  I've told him Larry doesn't report to me and if it isn't done, I can ask Larry and his boss if they would like me to take over the task for Larry and do it myself.

To a certain extent, some of this problem may be due to me being a nice person who wants to please others.  Those who are grumpy and unpleasant won't be asked to help out.  So I need to be more assertive.  On the other hand, many of these people may be asked to do a 360 for me at some point, so I need to be friendly.

Has anyone faced similar issues?  I'd like any advice you can offer.  I'm thinking I need to find a way to ask my boss to stand up to some of these people.

[Amadahy]

Sorry about this! 

Like me, you are equating being nice with having no boundaries.  This is not necessarily the case!  You can certainly say, "I'm sorry, but I cannot do that," without being ugly or confrontational.  I think even volunteering to ask Larry and his boss if they'd like you to take over is too much.  You might say, "I'm sure Larry is capable of doing this.  Why don't you talk to him or his boss about it?"  That is positive and appropriately putting the responsibility where it belongs.  And, even though your boss should probably be more assertive, I don't believe it will go over well for you to tell him that.  Really, all you are responsible for is you .... hopefully, drawing appropriate, friendly boundaries will work to keep your job responsibilities manageable.  Best wishes!

[Penny Lane]

I would ask, are you getting dumped on with no credit or is there a benefit to you to be seen as the go-to person in the office? Do you get better work, are you more likely for a promotion? Or is your "reward" just getting dumped on more? It sounds like this is NOT a benefit to your career, and so I think it's a problem that you can/should work on.

I think you need to decide if the trade offs are worth it to you. Obviously you can't refuse to do every single unpleasant task. But you shouldn't be doing ALL the unpleasant tasks. I also think that you're allowed to set reasonable boundaries around what you're able to do. In my job I would certainly say "I'll do my best work for 40-50 hours this week but I cannot stay over the weekend because I spent the week working on someone else's work." That's not feasible for all jobs, obviously, and I've certainly had jobs where that doesn't fly.

Here are a couple specific strategies that I would probably use:
"If I have to do (other person's work) I won't have time to get done (specific tasks of my own) this week. Is it OK to push them off to next week or if not how do you want me to prioritize?"

"Larry said he would not complete this project by the end of the day. I can push off X and Y and do it myself and they'll get done next week. Or do you have a way to ask Larry to do the project?"

And so on. Don't refuse to do it, but make clear what is feasible for you to accomplish and what your boss is missing out on by dumping this stuff on you. Make it the boss's problem to the degree possible.

One resource that's really helped me on this is the advice column askamanager.org. She deals with questions like this all the time and there are probably really good scripts in the archive for how to handle this sort of thing.

If your boss is like "make it work no matter what" and then dings you on your performance review ... maybe it's time to start job searching.

[Laurie]

Sorry about this! 

Like me, you are equating being nice with having no boundaries.  This is not necessarily the case!  You can certainly say, "I'm sorry, but I cannot do that," without being ugly or confrontational. 

Yes!  I need to work on not getting triggered or upset (or at least not showing it) and push back in a friendly way.  There are times when this doesn't work, and I end up having to do someone else's work or I must be the assertive one when my boss doesn't feel like it.

I would ask, are you getting dumped on with no credit or is there a benefit to you to be seen as the go-to person in the office? Do you get better work, are you more likely for a promotion? Or is your "reward" just getting dumped on more? It sounds like this is NOT a benefit to your career, and so I think it's a problem that you can/should work on.

Yes, overall at times it seems I'm giving more than I'm getting.  One person took care of some things for me when I was injured, but I more than made up for it with the amount of his work I did for him.  I've also done quite a bit of work for another individual who was promoted instead of me.  This makes it hard to feel enthusiastic and motivated.

Here are a couple specific strategies that I would probably use:
"If I have to do (other person's work) I won't have time to get done (specific tasks of my own) this week. Is it OK to push them off to next week or if not how do you want me to prioritize?"

"Larry said he would not complete this project by the end of the day. I can push off X and Y and do it myself and they'll get done next week. Or do you have a way to ask Larry to do the project?"

And so on. Don't refuse to do it, but make clear what is feasible for you to accomplish and what your boss is missing out on by dumping this stuff on you. Make it the boss's problem to the degree possible.

Good ideas.

If your boss is like "make it work no matter what" and then dings you on your performance review ... maybe it's time to start job searching.

I am considering whether it is time.  I'm not getting rewarded much for doing extra (weekend work, little or no vacation time etc.).

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Laurie, I'm glad you're aware of the codependency trap and looking to avoid it.  Yes, I too have had these situations at work.  Between my codep, my fear of authority figures, and my feeling that I was somehow "less than" and had to make up for it, I used to experience this regularly.  It brings to mind what I heard a manager once say "If you want something done, ask the busiest person to do it." 

I no longer believe it is a help to another person to allow an unequal relationship, and it certainly doesn't help me.  I now see my old oh-so-niceness, extra generosity and over-helpfulness as a fault (and even impression-management manipulation on my part) which did not make a beneficial contribution to the world.

I heard something at Alanon years ago which i found applied really well to dealing with work situations as well as alcoholics.  Something like this:  Don't cause a crisis where there wouldn't already be one AND don't rescue others from a crisis where there WOULD otherwise be one.  It's hard to do and I still struggle with it, but if you have boundaries, your boss will then be faced with the natural crisis which results from his lack of assertiveness with non-codependents.  Then the discomfort (read: motivation to change) can fall in his lap, where it belongs, rather than yours.  Let us know how it goes!

[Laurie]

I heard something at Alanon years ago which i found applied really well to dealing with work situations as well as alcoholics.  Something like this:  Don't cause a crisis where there wouldn't already be one AND don't rescue others from a crisis where there WOULD otherwise be one.  It's hard to do and I still struggle with it, but if you have boundaries, your boss will then be faced with the natural crisis which results from his lack of assertiveness with non-codependents.  Then the discomfort (read: motivation to change) can fall in his lap, where it belongs, rather than yours.  Let us know how it goes!

Thanks for the insight!  So far, most of the natural crises seem to be falling in my lap rather than his. 

He has allowed me lately the benefit of using his name and saying "Herb (not his real name) requested that I ask you for XYZ".  The approach suggested by my T is to put everything in writing (email) as my boss is forgetful.  That way, if there is a crisis later and the boss comes charging at me, I have documentation that I did pass along my boss's request.  This should save some time such that instead of hearing over and over that XYZ needs to get done (and Larry is the one to do it) I say I've already sent that email to Larry.

There will be times when it's my job to do a certain amount of communicating with other teams.  However, I shouldn't be doing all of it or be sitting there while the boss rants on and on about something that belongs in another team's lap and not in mine.  I need to get in the habit of saying to my boss "I already sent an email.  You may want to think about calling so and so" or "I have already sent 5 emails and did not get a response.  Would you be willing to contact them?".  When my boss is ranting about something, sometimes my brain freezes and I don't think to redirect the responsibility back to him.  It's something I think I need to practice.

[Lauren17]

Laurie,
This is an insightful thread. I have similar problems with work teams. I had one very toxic coworker who recognized a target. At one point, I was cleaning his desk while he was away just to "help."
I'm loving these suggestions and I'm going to give some of them a try.

[Laurie]

Laurie,
This is an insightful thread. I have similar problems with work teams. I had one very toxic coworker who recognized a target. At one point, I was cleaning his desk while he was away just to "help."
I'm loving these suggestions and I'm going to give some of them a try.

I once had an incredibly toxic co-worker.  The boss called both of us into his office once, and I medium chilled through the conversation while my co-worker insulted and belittled me.  The boss was finally able to see what I had been putting up with, and it was agreed that the toxic co-worker would be not be working on my project.

I can certainly see the tendency to scramble and do whatever might try to appease such a person.  Medium chill has been the path forward so many times for me.

[athene1399]

I have struggled with this often. I realized I was enabling people at work to pass off their tasks to me. For me they would call and say they didn't' know how to do x and wanted me to do it for them. I'd either have to figure it out or I did already know how to do it. then I realized those who passed off their work on me were getting the same raises and bonuses I was. I started to feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. So I started saying to them "I'll teach you how to do x". It takes more time, but eventually I wouldn't have to do their work for them. Or say "I emailed you the instructions last week. Let me know if you can't find the email and I will forward it to you."

And I try to send everything via email so there is a written record of it.

But then I started to wonder if I was putting my foot down too much or causing a fuss over nothing when someone asked me to do something they should be doing. I think it's all about finding the right balance.

I eventually decided to go back to school and get a new job. But I think the lesson of putting up boundaries when needed will stick with me. Ultimately we are on the same team, but when people take advantage of you and you have so much work to do (and a lot of it isn't even your work), that's unfair.

[Laurie]

"I'll teach you how to do x". It takes more time, but eventually I wouldn't have to do their work for them. Or say "I emailed you the instructions last week. Let me know if you can't find the email and I will forward it to you."

And I try to send everything via email so there is a written record of it.

Good advice!

But then I started to wonder if I was putting my foot down too much or causing a fuss over nothing when someone asked me to do something they should be doing. I think it's all about finding the right balance.

Adding to that, there is triangulation when my boss and others is other work groups disagree on who should be doing what, and it's so much chaos!  Sometimes it's easier for me to just do the extra work than to spend time getting into all the circular arguments between my boss and those in different groups!  Yes, it's about the right balance and which battles to fight.

Somewhere I heard advice that if there is a contentious meeting, find a nice cup of coffee or other beverage you like.  Whenever you feel the urge to speak up and engage with meaningless arguments, take a sip of the beverage.  My coffee consumption is a bit higher than I would like  .