daughter again!

[Dodo]

So tonight I am listening to the news and my partners daughter calls, she has had a minor surgery and my partner is fussing over her like crazy.  I have been noticing lately that he seems to try and please her so badly, it just doesn't seem normal.  They are both in a co dependent relationship with each other but I am noticing lately it seems to be getting more intense.  The daughter has a husband but he is a pretty passive guy and my partner is much more willing to go out of his way to do anything she needs. They are both so intent on pleasing each other and my partner I'm sure would fall on the sword.  He got off the phone tonight after much fussing and I got irritated with him and told him I was irritated listening to the two of them falling over each other, of course he got mad at me.  I told him he wouldn't  even drop me off at the airport when I asked him to  (he said he doesn't know how to get there)or drive me anywhere out of his comfort zone for that matter, when my Mom was dying he didn't even offer to drive me to the hospital downtown because this was out of his comfort zone also., even though I was so stressed out.  I guess I can't forget that,  I get tired of his co dependent relationship with his daughter, it seems like i start a fight to just get my point across, although I know it's fruitless and I also know it is going to start a fight. He thinks I'm so awful and says "I can't even have a conversation with a family member".  OMG I'm thinking she is only one that you talk to, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. I used to talk on the phone with my sister in law, sons or friends and he would always have something to say or make fun of what I was saying so I talk to them in private now.  So he says to me "so talk them I don't care, unless you are having conversations with them you don't want me to hear"!
Someone once said to me on this site "he should be able to have the kind of relationship with his daughter that he wants to" and you are right.  Why am I so annoyed?

[Andeza]

My first impression is that it's because you guys are in a relationship, and yet he seems to be coasting along doing the minimum required to maintain the relationship. And at the same time that is going on, he's also putting incredible effort into the enmeshed relationship with his daughter.

When two adults are in a serious, long-term, committed relationship, there should be a fair amount of effort being put into it. Give and take. There's supposed to be balance.

Part of your annoyance likely centers around noticing that his interactions with his daughter are unhealthy. Frequently those who are unhealthy in one area, are also that way in others. It just looks different.

I encourage you to examine your feelings about him and his daughter. I think you will discover that jealousy is at the root in some form. Now, something that our modern culture often does not realize is that SOME forms of jealousy are not bad things (although most are). It is our way of recognizing a need that we are not getting met. In your case what is that need? What is he unable to fulfill? Then ask yourself the serious question. Do you pursue a relationship knowing that certain needs may never be met and certain behaviors may never change? Is the rest of the relationship valuable enough to surrender an expectation, essentially? Or is it not?

These are hard questions. Please be kind to yourself as you ask them and analyze your feelings.