Expecting nothing...or attempting not to

[SparkStillLit]

I guess you guys know now I got me a little old diagnosis. I tried not to share with updh, but this was too weird, living in the same house and me not working or WFH and such. So he tried to bug it out of me and I finally just up and told him that I really didn't want to share with him, because I didn't think his reactions would be pleasant, and I'm having a difficult time dealing with any exogenous nonsense right now. However, since we live in the same house, here it is. I told him it would be nice if he would be as supportive as he is able.
I expect zip, and I am trying to maintain my "defenses", and I am also fully aware that this is totally juicy and likely will be saved as artillery for later. Prepared. Aware. Constant vigilance! Anyway.
He used to do this thing to DD, which he now does to me, and he just did it under the guise of asking after my well being.
He has about a two sentence limit when we are talking, unless it's to do with his concern, or will be of detriment to him somehow. Even if it's about his interests, he will interrupt at about that point and take over. Otherwise, he stops listening and usually walks away. Or he will begin doing something noisy which he definitely can't hear, like running the sink or an air compressor, or like tonight, walking away up the stairs which are old and wood and noisy AF. I say things like "....and you obviously can't hear jack shit so there's that" and he doesn't notice.
I don't expect different. He applies the same things across the board. Anything that so happens to be "nice" is a bonus, or anything that doesn't actively add to my load.
Taking it day by day, not having expectations, or trying not to have them. Don't ask for things people have no capability of giving. I have friends, real ones, I have a good therapist, a good doc, and a reaĺly great support system at work, of all places. I'll be ok. So will my kid who is away, even if she is separated, I've got good people ready to catch. She doesn't have to come here and get toxified. My boy, well, I'm doing what I can with what I have right now.

[blunk]

So sorry you're going through this Spark. It is difficult not to have the support and understanding of our partners. That should be the minimum expectation in a marriage. It hurts even more knowing that we can't even share what is causing us pain, for fear that it will somehow be twisted and used against us.

It is great that you have so many others in your life who offer you the kind of support you need right now. I'm sorry to say, I don't really have any advice, but I can definitely relate. I hope you are able to take good care of yourself and heal despite the lack of support from your h.

[SparkStillLit]

Thank you Blunk. The stress of this relationship IS part of the problem, isn't it. I have to learn to stop having expectations that can't be met. It has hurt me now, really badly. I can't allow that to continue. I need to accept what IS. Then do best for ME.
If I am gone, or hurt, or incapable, then there will have been no point of putting myself out for everyone else, and no one to care for the things/critters I care about. I need to care about me first, so I can do what I like and care about those deserving of my regard. Not let myself be eaten up by black holes.
Easier said than done, of course. I think being aware of it is useful, though.
My boss kicked me out of work, gave me some simple WFH tasks to do *if I feel up to it*. Partly because I'm not a good functioning inspector and I definitely can't review submittals right now, but mainly because I desperately need rest. I could do a limited number of inspections effectively if she really wanted me to. She covered it. I'm having the hardest time accepting it. We're swamped and down a guy already. We're supposed to have 6, we were working with 5, lost a guy to private sector, now they have THREE without me. I feel terrible. FOGgy aren't I. Nobody's mad. Everybody's concerned for me and just wants me to be well. They don't mind doing what they're doing. I still feel rotten.
H would normally not be supportive of time off work, but last night he talked to me and said he had been worried about me because he noticed every day I was physically extremely exhausted. For many months. My job is physical and outdoors, though he normally doesn't acknowledge that it is taxing. He thought I was for sure going to catch sick somehow. I was doing more inspections daily than I can really handle, and it just wasn't letting up. Then the other guy went off, and I was still doing it. Plus other tasks that I'm supposed to do that aren't physical, but are mentally exhausting.
If I break down, then I don't support him. I imagine that's behind this sudden support.
Oops, trying not to give him brain space like that. Bad habit of a zillion years.

[blunk]

Yes, it is a bad habit, and certainly one that is hard to break. You are likely correct though, it is always in some way about what they, need, want, can get from you.

It's great that those at your job are so understanding and willing to work with you to meet your current needs. That "current needs" frame of mind may be helpful to you going forward. Think of this as what you need right now to be able to come back better and stronger. Just as if you had a physical injury, and were told to rest and attend physical therapy. Sure you could push through, and keep doing everything you usually do, but you would likely worsen the injury and be laid up even longer.

For those of us who have been in pd relationships it feels strange to prioritize our own needs, we have been conditioned to feel guilty for doing so. Try not to worry about you h's support (as it's likely self-serving) or lack of support, and lean on those who are truly there for you should you feel the need. This post made me think of the words of my bff when I first told him about my situation, and that I was considering divorcing my x. He said to me...you deserve to be happy, healthy, and stress free; and you are in no way selfish for demanding those things in you life.

[SparkStillLit]

Thank you again, your words are so helpful. This is just like an injury, isn't it. Just like when I stepped off that fence and twisted my ankle so horribly even the ER doc thought it was broken on first sight!!!!
Even then I was a bit guilty, but I could not even walk at first. You're so right, the conditioning is tremendous. I did what the surgeon said, though, and my ankle is perfectly fine. It took FOREVER, but there it is.
Now I should do what my doc and T are suggesting. It's my brain that's hurt. I sure don't want THAT to be permanently damaged, now do I???? After all, the injury was just as visible. Leaving the gas on. Getting out of cars that were still engaged. Not suicidal, just the lowest of low functioning. I was going to get killed by accident. Looking like absolute shite (I still do). I'm sleeping better, but not well enough to erase these huge dark circles and it's only been a week. Lost 10#. Not that I mind, but that's not the way.  So it wasn't and isn't invisible.
I had not even seen this Dr before, he is an associate of my regular one, and he already knew I wasn't well to look at me, and he said within two minutes of speaking to me, he knew why. He was just glad I was honest and cooperative so he could help. He said many are not.
I talk to my best regularly. Well, we text. Sometimes we laugh at this, because we rarely actually talk like normal people unless we are face to face. If it's long, we email. We're weird, but we're the same kind of weird. I guess that's normal NOW, but we have done it forever.
Anyway, I'm trying to take it easy and find my way back to a routine that feels decent and not frenetic and filled with anxiety and leaving the gas on and shit. That was scary.

[blunk]

Sound like you're on the right track. Wishing you well in your recovery!