Jinxed

[Ladymm]

Hi all,

This night be a bit strange, but I feel like my narc mother put an evil spell on me. I know this  was not done as an act ion, but the feeling is like this. I feel like I cant excape her. Its mostly a feeling, but also in my life I am stuck. I feel maybe if I resolve the feeling, I will then get unstuck.

I didnt know what to do so a few years ago I went to live in an appartment in my parents property and went to work for my father just to gain some stability because my husband moved here from abroad on a visa. It was the right thing at the right time. Before i was a lawyer trainee in a shitty job and didnt knowif law was for me and am still confused on this topic. It felt like there was no other opportunity. It felt like a pact with the devil.

My Mother has a life philosophy that feels like a scandinavian saga. That how she moved where she lives now like her ancestor somehow gave her this house, and now she is the leader of some community association in her village, and that hiw she is like almost supernaturally loyal to her roots. She also feels like she is a very good person because she takes care of her mother (my gm, da whom I reuse to visit) and she told me that how I should also give more to others and think more ofthen what she needs (=get enmeshed again with her so she can have me as her servant), because that would give me happiness, and not going to the therapist. She also goes very low like she says you should be nice to your father because he has many health problems (=he cant sleep like a big percent of  people in their 60s and thats all I know and she told me), but she is manipulative enough to not tell me even if he had any real issues i suppose. Yesterday I said I dont like to pick their f** olives and this escalated to a big drama where the aforementioned saga was mentioned as proof of me not following it and being the devil. She said in my face that i am evil because intentionally i dont accomodate her. Now I will go pick the damn olives Just for diplomacy.

My big dream is not to see them again. But I really feel like I am jinxed and that I have to be dependant on them. I feel every my trial to be I indipendent of them will be thwarthed.

She even said she once went to a psychic and she told her that everything she will want to do in life, da she will do it and that she doesnt see any other predestined events in her life. A part of me thinks this can be true. I have this feeling she has some kind of woodoo puppet of me. She once told me she wanted to abort me (and she had no issues of money and a husband when she was pregnant) and I feel like I am this aborted fetus with no soul which is just a zombie. I feel like there is no chance for me outside her. I want to move abroad or at least try to do the statal exam and try to go back and work as lawyer (even tho I dont have much experience) , but I have this enormous fear something will happen or that I will not be a good lawyer and that I will have to go back to her somehiw. I see her waiting for me, ready to give me material things just so she feels important and make me stuck again.

I Just want to see she has no power over me. But as long as I am dependant on her she has some power.

I feel like the "without me you are nothing" she told me is true. I feel like God deserted me.

It was important for me to share this with you. It is like something occult to me and it needs to come to light.

Thank you for any feedback.

M.

[Hepatica]

Dear Ladymm,

I really encourage you to read about spiritual and religious manipulation and abuse. A large number of NPD and disordered, toxic people use religion and spirituality to gain power over others. It is rampant in families. If a spiritual or religious teaching makes you feel bad, scared or disempowered, it is abuse plain and simple. They are using a system to control you.

What you are feeling is a mother who is trying to scare you into her power. Many, many disordered parents do this to their children under the guise of spiritual words and religious teachings. It is a form of evil, which in my more practical interpretation, means the opposite of Live - live spelled backwards. They are trying to use you as supply for themselves alone. A good parent encourages their child to LIVE. A loving parent does not use manipulation and fear to keep their child to themselves. What did Kahlil Gibran say about children: Your children are not your own, they are the Sons and Daughters Life's longing for itself.

You have the right to LIVE your life, go out into the world, be successful, make your own mistakes, and live in a realm of LOVE.

She has not put a hex on you, but she would love for you to think that way, bc it makes you afraid and therefore keeps you in her power. She is not being a good parent who wants their child to fly and to live the life meant for you.

If something doesn't make you feel supported and instead does the opposite, causes fear and confusion and guilt, you are in the FOG, right where she wants you, stuck AND you can almost bet you are dealing with a disordered person. You mother sounds disordered to me. She sounds grandiose, cruel and controlling. She can say all she wants about her spiritual belief system, but she is using this language to hurt you. You do not deserve that.

You do have all the power Ladymm. All you need to do is practise self-care, self-love, self-compassion and stay away from anyone who doesn't treat you with love, respect and care.

Even if they are our parents, they have no right to control us and abuse and if they resort to magical thinking and use religion or spiritual teachings to abuse you, it is still abuse. Religion and spiritual beliefs systems are here to comfort us, not to terrify us and stop us from living our lives.

Follow your Dreams Ladymm 

[MamaDryad]

I'd like to share a bit about how I see this stuff, as someone who does find the idea of spells and ritual meaningful. I hope this isn't overstepping and that you will take from it anything that's useful and leave the rest.

This is what I believe: The only person you can cast spells on is yourself. That's it; that's your locus of control. Not other people, not the weather, not whether you'll win the lottery. Just your own mind and, to a limited degree, your body. For me, spell work is a tool that lets me communicate with the parts of myself that don't respond to logical argument, that might be too stuck in ingrained habits of thought to change or grow easily. Used this way, it's very powerful.

As an aside, I don't think it's the only way to accomplish this. Other people do the same thing with meditation, prayer, freewriting, art therapy, inner child work, or many other things. Many paths to the same destination.

So this is how I would interpret what has happened, based on your post: your mother, who sounds like a very forceful personality as well as someone with a lot of disordered thinking and behavior, has manipulated you by ordinary but profound means (as only a parent can) into putting a jinx on yourself. There is a part of you that just does not believe, despite all evidence, that you can separate from them and be truly independent— and that part is currently in charge. That doesn't mean that any of this is your fault! Our parents install our buttons and know better than anyone how to push them. But it does mean that you have more power than you may think.

Here is what I would do (actually, what I have done) in your position. Please bear in mind that this is based on my practice and beliefs, and you can and should adapt it to fit your beliefs. I would cast a different spell on myself. For me, that might involve some kind of symbolic purification and protection, maybe burning some sage or taking a bath with sea salt in it. Then I would settle in somewhere I felt comfortable and safe. I would probably look at a tarot card and/or hold a gemstone representing freedom, maturity, and self-reliance; maybe there's a different symbol or object that would have that meaning for you. And then I would sit and think: I would consider everything that brought me here, everything I want to let go of, everything I want to cultivate and nurture in myself to take its place. If I felt unsafe, I might envision a net or bubble of safety extending around myself and the family I've built, protecting us and keeping unhealthy influences out. Flowery language isn't important; what's important is clearly articulating your intention. If writing feels easier than speaking, that works too.

You can take this as literally or metaphorically as you want. The key is to craft a metaphor that speaks to you. A dear friend of mine said recently that this is her idea of magic: a powerful enough metaphor can change you.

I'm not an expert, but I don't believe that any of this is incompatible with other religious beliefs; you can certainly do this while also asking your higher power for support and strength.

[Amadahy]

Shame can contribute to this feeling, too!

My Nmom lived w us 6 long months over four years ago. My home has never felt the same. Logically, I know she has no power over me or my home, but shame makes me feel like a bad person, like she cursed my home and/or me. Sometimes, shame makes me feel like I deserve it. ☹️ Pete Walker has advice about shame as does YouTube Lisa Romano. You might see if what they say resonates. 

[Hepatica]

MamaDryad, your input sounds to me like the healthy way of using spirituality, as a tool to find comfort, safety and your own sense of power and spirit in this world.

The red flags for me are when another uses spirituality and/or religion to create fear and manipulation, in order to control another person.

I too find comfort in the ideas you are talking about and I like how you interpret it by stressing: The only person you can cast spells on is yourself. That is such an empowering and positive way of looking at it. It would keep the importance of intention alive and your post has given me a good reminder of that.

[Ladymm]

Hepatica,

Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciated the quote from khalil ghibran you posted and i feel somewhere deep that it is as he said. But my neurones are still triggered by my mother. I also feel as you wrote she tries to enforce on me her magical thinking, like she is some prophet, wise and all knowing and im some sinner. It really helps to discuss these dynamics, i feel they are very strong influences. Also i read your post on emotional vampires and somehow felt it has some common points with my thoughts of me being jinxed.

MamaDryad,

Thank you for your reply, too.  I also think it in a similiar way, that we can cast a spell on ourselves. I do meditate already but i feel somehow the feeling of being jinxed is something apart from what i usually come up with in meditation. I should mention it also in therapy. I will extend the rest of my reply after i also say thank you to Amadahy as well, because I have a point i would like to answer you both: as almadahy wrote about the feeling of the mother in the house i can totally feel that. My mother is very rich and bought this flat so i would live because she thought id be then more responsive to guilt and her abuse. This apartment is her, i feel like she lives in the walls and in the light bulbs. I hate this place so much that i didnt buy anything for it, the furniter is old and the kitchen is decaying. I feel if i bought it and made this my home she woulld have me energetically. And MamaDryad yes i also feel we can cast a spell on ourselves, but beyond this belief i feel like my ritual wouldnt work. I feel like the girl in the film Skeleton key - they tell her that she will not be hexed if she will not believe she can be and stand in a circle of salt- and in the end it doesnt work and her body gets impossessed by the souls that are seeking bodies to live in and obtain them through woodoo spells.

[MamaDryad]

That's fair. I think of these things more as a slow and repeated reinforcement (combined with meditation, therapy, writing) rather than an immediate transformation. One tool in the tool kit. And as I mentioned, if the specifics of what I suggested don't resonate with you (or, as it seems, have negative associations), then you would want to approach it in a different way.

The main thing is just to remember, any way you can and with as many parts of you as possible, that you are in charge of your own life. 

[Hepatica]

Ladymm,

It sounds like you want to distance from your mom but you're afraid. What are you afraid of? That is where your answer will be. I believe she has made you doubt your own power and I bet many of us feel that way because we grew up with parents that broke us down, rather than built us up with strength and independence - as healthy families always do with their children.

I find it really helps to simplify it all and keep to the language of PD's. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where i am No Contact with my FOO. All I can tell you is there is much more peace now. I understand the lingering feelings of danger and fear (the vampire symbol was just metaphorical) but the fact is we were raised in a climate of fear and danger. As adults though, we have agency and strength and power. Nobody can own us but ourselves.

Your mom is not all knowing and all powerful. She is human just like the rest of us. She sounds disordered though, which is like a sickness and that is very frightening for a child - therefore the feeling sits with us until we identify its origins and heal from it as we grow older.

You have to believe in your own power and right to peace and and a happy life. That is all you need. Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. She had the power all along.

I want to add that I am not glossing over your feelings esp. your Mother's cruel words about the abortion that causes the feelings of having no soul. That is not true. You have spirit and soul. Go back to Khalil Gibran's words. You Ladymm were born into this world. You are Life's Longing for Itself. Use that as a meditation line. You can heal that pain.

Try not to overthink. Tell yourself, you are kick ass and deserve joy and peace! 

Your body and soul is urging you to find a safer, happier life. Go there. Find the strength to believe in yourself and break the ties (the feeling or belief system that you can't do it.) You can do it. Good luck!

[Ladymm]

MamaDryad,

I plan to go buy in any case sage tomorrow. I hope i find it in the local store with indian items. I am curious of how it smells and i plan to do some kind of introspection while i burn it. And to imagine being in a golden circle is also something my therapist advised me to do. What i will need to sort out and gives me the negative association is the feeling of being under some kind of spell, but i will find a way out! Thank you for your advice again😊

Hepatica,

Thank you for your encouragement! I now sonetimes do things just to accomodate my narc parents, it is a way of keeping low the drama. I found out that i can never be myself with them anyway, so why sharing with them things they dont understand. It is how i keep myself safe and all in all i am not weak, i just have strategy. My plan is now to go out of their flat and work. And later i hope i go no contact. As you said yes, it takes time and patience. I would much prefer to do other things in life, i am 35 almost and prefer not to have children in the flat even to the price i never have them. But i have this good belief that in life you need just a lucky day. Like the lucky day you find a good job, or a good partner, or a good conclusion. It is good to believe life will bring my lucky day.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Ladymm,  I relate to so much of what you've said.   Part of the abuse from my PDm was extreme invasiveness and fusing with me to get me to take care of her, from a young age.  She was into occult beliefs and indoctrinated me into them, too. 

She would talk to me as though she was using special powers and peering into my essence and could see and know me better than I could myself.   It was soul depriving and took me many years to recover enough to feel I was getting in touch with my separate self.  To her, I had no separate self.    Very abusive.   To this day, when I get triggered, it can feel like my whole body and being are invaded with her sick influence.  Very creepy.

I used to feel like my power was being sucked right out of me and unable to gather up any response other than going through the motions of our automatic "dance."  My trauma T explained this in a way that really helped.  It's a trauma response called "collapse."  It is the most extreme trauma response of last resort when fight or flight don't work.  Also called freeze, though collapse describes it much better to me.  Helpless and kind of paralyzed. 

The good news!  There are ways to work with this.  A therapist who specializes in trauma can be invaluable.   Mine uses EMDR and somatic experiencing. 

It helped me just knowing that this awful feeling  (you describe as jinxed and to me felt like an irreversible, creepy contamination I would carry for the rest of my life) and the resulting feeling of powerlessness is a normal part of the human trauma response to complex and overwhelming trauma.  It's nothing more than my brain trying to keep me safe in a way that is no longer functional for me.    A response to an extreme and chronic threat from the past that gets triggered in the present.  (The more I'm around my FOO, the more it happens.)    You are not alone!  Keep coming back & sharing.

[Ladymm]

Lookin2befree,

thank you for your reply. I also thought the feeling of being jinxed is in the lines of adrenal responses. I think it just still so strong that my mind is fogged and i couldnt think theoretically. My therapist also does trauma healing and uses the tehniques you listed, just now  i think i never mentioned this feeling to her, but also because i extrapolated it in this form only maybe this week.