Time outs for yourself?

[Samuel S.]

Have you ever considered time outs for yourself? That means packing up what you need for any amount of time to get yourself emotionally cleared.

Considering how my PDwife plays these mind games, I was just wondering if any of you have thought about that. If so, where did you go and for how long? If so, did it ultimately make a difference, or did your situation just get worse?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Yes, definitely! 

It took until my late 40's to finally get it that I was the one who was responsible for my own life and happiness -- not my husband.  (Until then, I was stuck in victim mode, which was miserable for me -- and him.)

Once I stopped obsessing about what he was and wasn't doing (and how unfair that was to me), I was free to live my life!   I found what I loved and was meaningful to me and engaged in that. 

I went from time-to-time to meditation retreats, camping, visiting or traveling with loved ones or alone.   Usually it was for a few days but once a year or so for a week or more.  I often, but not always, wanted to invite him & did - though he usually didn't go. 

I also wove things into my daily at-home life that I valued.  One of the most important and healthy steps I ever took was to stop focusing on "him" and make my life about me!

Did it help?  It helped me, for sure.  I could stop feeling like a victim and empower myself to engage with life.   Did it help my relationship?  I think my husband (with NPD traits)  was glad to not feel pressured by me anymore, though we divorced a long time ago.   

My more recent PDex didn't like it, was more emotionally dependent on me, and didn't support my autonomy.  I think he found it threatening.   But once you spring yourself from the prison of totally enmeshing with others (a biggie from my FOO), you really can't go back.  And who would want to? 

I grew up believing "joined at the hip" was what spouses owed each other, and so in my early years I "fogged" him.   Having learned a healthier, happier path, there was no way I was going to let my partner guilt me into completely giving that up.    Nor do I think it would have helped anything if I had. 

In the end, I left both relationships.  I didn't like how my kids and I were being treated.  It's hard to leave -- very hard -- even to this day.  But having a sense of myself and what I value, and being engaged with that, helped a lot.

Have fun thinking of ideas!

[1footouttadefog]

Yes, I started this quite a few years ago.  My husband would ruin all our vacations. A trip down memory lane made me realize it had always been about the third day of the trip when things went down hill.

Seeing him ruin things for the kids stood out in a way it had not when it was just us.

I planned a two night trip with all of us and another longer trip for the kids and myself.  It went well, then we did a overnight with him and a week for me and the kids. Then another over night with him later the next Month.

Then I started mixing in a couple days away for various events for myself.

I now go hiking and camping with groups also. 

[Jolie40]

sorry, posted in wrong section

[Lookin 2 B Free]

1footouttadefog, this sounds great!!!  You found all the parameters to do something wonderful with your kids, and include your husband to the extent he could enjoy it enough not to ruin it for everyone else.   Smart!