There is a very dark corner in my soul.

[hernoodlyness]

Now that I have started posting, I cannot seem to stop. All these bits and pieces are so attached that if one gets loose, all the other strings follow. I have always found the movie, Marvin's room, so beautiful. There is one bit where the mom describes her relationship with her son as a bunch of fish hooks. Where you can't untangle one piece without disturbing all of it.

Since the beginning of lockdown, I had a single terrible thought. Once I longed for closure.  But now I just want it all to end . In the darkest bit of my being, I thought that if my mother passed away from Covid, it would be a relief. Truly a relief. And I would not even be able to visit her. Best case scenario really. Is that not just goddamn horrific? The ONLY person I will feel marginally sorry for is my father. Although has enabled her for many many decades  I don't think there is much left of who he used to be.

One stupid whatsapp and everything unravels. I feel ill and I cannot check all my silly little control boxes that keep me from feeling uncontained. I did not go for my run. I did not do my yoga. Soon I will start cleaning the kitchen counters over and over for some control. Probably micromanage my small kids too much. It is SO tiring. And predictable. Yet I cannot get out of the loop.

And at what point does a spouse think it is too much? I don't think anyone signs up for a marriage like this.

There: I have typed my darkest thought. Maybe with it will come some relief of the ever present guilt.

Now I will get up, make lunch for the kiddies and probably clean stuff to feel better 

[Boat Babe]

Hiya Hernoodlyness. It sounds like your FOO are still able to push your buttons. Remember that they enjoy your reactions so please practice grey rock in any encounter with them.

More importantly, you are worried about how the legacy of abuse is impacting your husband and children. This is important. Are you able to access/afford Therapy?  Is there someone outside of your FOC that you can talk to for support?

In the meantime, be very very kind to yourself. I practice Self Compassion, which is a great tool, helping me to rebalance myself and heal.

Sending you hugs ❤️

[hernoodlyness]

Thanks so much. We can all be a little gentler with ourselves, and a reminder once in a while is always welcome

Starting therapy again on Friday and hopefully this time I will stick it out until there is a marked improvement. With therapy things always seem to get a bit worse before it gets better, so I just have to buckle up!

Big hugs from here

[SunnyMeadow]

I want it to end with my mother too. I hope I don't break down into a guilt puddle once it happens. Since I'm hoping for this so much am I going to feel like a terrible person once it does? I look up all her symptoms wondering if the latest one is going to end my suffering.

I think about the relief I will feel and I can't wait.  Many people will feel relief. She's in the background always waiting to type a gargantuan email about her displeasure. Waiting to send short and snippy texts with the  or  emojis to show how horrible she's feeling. It makes me want to call her and smooth the waters. I was trained to help her feel better from a very early age.

You aren't the only one who feels this way. I think of it as a dark part of myself too but I've been reading that many people feel the same thing. It makes sense, we've been abused and we want it to end.

You'll read about the observe don't absorb technique here. I've been putting this into practice and it's been helpful. 

[hernoodlyness]

I think about the relief I will feel and I can't wait.  Many people will feel relief. She's in the background always waiting to type a gargantuan email about her displeasure.
You aren't the only one who feels this way. I think of it as a dark part of myself too but I've been reading that many people feel the same thing. It makes sense, we've been abused and we want it to end.

OMG the emails. The emails will be the end of me one day.      Sometimes I can see the meticulous hours she spent working on them.  Trying to be so sneaky and clever. 

[Hepatica]

I have the dark corner as well. When Covid arrived I wondered if I would feel relief if it took them (both parents.)

My husband's father died this summer. He was old and had been ill and very unhappy for over ten years. He wasn't disordered though. He was a kind, very sweet, slightly odd man that I cared about deeply and I had wondered if I would feel great sadness when he died. I did feel it but then I felt relief for him. He had been in such terrible pain for so long, couldn't hear very well, had difficulty with the language in the country he immigrated to, which I am sure added to his mental isolation. His family had regarded him as a pain in the butt for years. His quality of life was so low. When he passed away, I felt like he had just let go, like a leaf falling off a tree. It was gentle and it seemed like it made sense. (Now if a young person dies, that would be terrible) but when an older person dies, whose been in long pain, it ... well it made sense to me. I think my point is, is we're never allowed to speak of death, much less talk about it in the sense that there is relief in it in some situations... so it does carry with it this element of darkness, when it isn't necessarily. It is part of life. We should be able to speak about it.

With my parents I think it will make sense to me also bc they're old and they are also in great pain, emotionally and physically. I dread the having to go thru the funeral ceremonies. But when Covid came it was more than that, I knew there was a dark area within me that wanted it to happen. And that's because we have been suffering because of them for so long. They haven't brought us comfort and companionship. They have brought on us this unspeakable darkness, this angst, this fear of them. We carry it mostly all alone. (Thank goodness for this forum and good therapists.)

We want the fear and suffering to end and we don't know how because NC is not a well understood and chosen idea when it comes to pathology in family. NC is the closest thing I've come to being able to create the peace I need to feel better. The silence is really what I want in the end. I don't really wish death on them. I wish all of the suffering to disappear.

[paco]

My goodness hernoodlyness, if wishing your abuser would die is your darkest corner, than I humbly bow to you. There's only so much abuse/suffering one can endure before the mind imagines ways out.

The other issue you raise is an important one - the fear with your husband. Surely we all get into more than we expected in enough years of marriage; sometimes it tilts more one way than another. But perhaps a good conversation with husband about your fears would alleviate your concerns / bring you closer together. With my n mom, I wanted to make it work for many years and my poor wife felt compelled to go along and do her best. It put a huge burden on her and our relationship. Eventually we got on the exact same page and developed boundaries for mom (which mom demolished and led to NC), but being on the same side, completely was crucial for both of us. Her trusting me that I didn't require her to make peace with mom -- that I would support her in whatever way for her to protect herself (and our children), and my trusting her that she would fight with me without abandoning me.

I wish you peace and happiness!

Now that I have started posting, I cannot seem to stop. All these bits and pieces are so attached that if one gets loose, all the other strings follow. I have always found the movie, Marvin's room, so beautiful. There is one bit where the mom describes her relationship with her son as a bunch of fish hooks. Where you can't untangle one piece without disturbing all of it.

Since the beginning of lockdown, I had a single terrible thought. Once I longed for closure.  But now I just want it all to end . In the darkest bit of my being, I thought that if my mother passed away from Covid, it would be a relief. Truly a relief. And I would not even be able to visit her. Best case scenario really. Is that not just goddamn horrific? The ONLY person I will feel marginally sorry for is my father. Although has enabled her for many many decades  I don't think there is much left of who he used to be.

One stupid whatsapp and everything unravels. I feel ill and I cannot check all my silly little control boxes that keep me from feeling uncontained. I did not go for my run. I did not do my yoga. Soon I will start cleaning the kitchen counters over and over for some control. Probably micromanage my small kids too much. It is SO tiring. And predictable. Yet I cannot get out of the loop.

And at what point does a spouse think it is too much? I don't think anyone signs up for a marriage like this.

There: I have typed my darkest thought. Maybe with it will come some relief of the ever present guilt.

Now I will get up, make lunch for the kiddies and probably clean stuff to feel better 

[Psuedonym]

hernoodlyness and anyone else who needs to read this:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201405/the-borderline-mother

Read it and then read it again. Here's a quote: This aspect of the parent-child relationship, where the child lacks loving feelings toward the parent and feels guilty and shameful for doing so, is one of the hallmarks of the borderline parent-child relationship.

[hernoodlyness]

Read it and then read it again. Here's a quote: This aspect of the parent-child relationship, where the child lacks loving feelings toward the parent and feels guilty and shameful for doing so, is one of the hallmarks of the borderline parent-child relationship.

Thank you for the reply! The relief when I find another puzzle piece brings so much comfort. It has been hard to describe my mother as an abuser  to myself, let alone to other people . Especially with this type of disorder where the outward image is so perfectly curated and so different from the 'at home' version of the disordered personality.  I once referred to my mother as an emotional abuser (sometimes devolving into physical abuse) to my father and you could have knocked him over with a feather

[hernoodlyness]

The silence is really what I want in the end. I don't really wish death on them. I wish all of the suffering to disappear.

This is exactly it. Just silence. And not having to anticipate the next move. Starting today I am going to actively try to be more of an observer than a participant. I am hoping that if I practice this enough it will become my go-to response. Thank you for sharing your experience too! I am so thankful that I found this community.

[Spring Butterfly]

And at what point does a spouse think it is too much? I don't think anyone signs up for a marriage like this.

it wasn't until my dh have up on me and let me drown in the PD mire of enmeshed abuse that I finally came Out of the FOG and found this place. He's amazed and ever grateful for this community.  You're on your way, you've got this, there's no stopping you, be patient and do everything in the toolbox. Read. Do. Just keep going. Keep posting. Keep growing.