Waiting for things to turn bad so I can leave

[CagedBirdSinging]

PDH is going through a phase of 'being nice.' He is being generally quite pleasant, and more helpful than usual. It feels so fake. After 5 years of putting up with his moods, his silences, his verbal and emotional abuse...  suddenly he is being 'nice.'

I feel so trapped. I feel like I can't leave until he reverts back to his old ways. He is on new medication and claims it is helping his mental health. I think it's just a placebo effect, and it won't last. But if I leave now, he will claim I left for no reason, just when things were going well.

He is nice to the kids (that's easy, they are very young and very cute and don't yet have any opinions of their own). We are not in any physical danger. Partly I feel like things are not bad enough for me to leave. I feel so guilty.

I am so unhappy in this marriage. I do not trust pdH. I know that this 'nice phase' will not last. Sure as night follows day, he will slip back into old patterns of silent treatment and creating a horrible atmosphere. I am desperate to get away from him.

So... I guess that's what I tell him, right?
I leave..  then when he pulls the whole 'but I was being so nice' thing, I just have to tell him I have been subject to a cycle of abuse for 5 years and I know he will not be able to keep up the good behaviour. I can only judge future behaviour based on past behaviour.

I just know he is going to be an absolute nightmare. I wish I could crack the mask of this 'niceness.' I have such a hard time trusting my own instincts on this. Deep down, I know the guy is manipulative and abusive, but I keep having doubts, thinking maybe I imagined all those horrible times before. It's my word against his, and after 5 years of gaslighting and having my opinion undermined, it's hard to hear my own voice.

[GettingOOTF]

Being unhappy is reason enough to leave a marriage. I also stayed because I thought things weren't "bad enough" to leave. I wasted so many years of my life.

Leaving will be a nightmare no matter how or when you do it.

As for your word against his well not a single person believed me but ultimately it didn't matter as years later I no longer see any of those people.

Always trust your gut.

[notrightinthehead]

It is good that he is being nice for a change. You might want to use this break to do something for yourself, go out with your friends, read a book, ask him to do some housework, the cooking. Behave as if you were in a normal marriage and not constantly walking on eggshells and concerned with him and his moods. You might want to consider testing how long this niceness holds.
I agree with Gettingootf, you don't need permission or an excuse to get out of a marriage that makes you feel unhappy most of the time. Being unhappy is reason enough.

[TheEscapeArtist]

Agree with both those responses. Even in nonPD relationships being unhappy is enough of a reason to quit.

I also had something sort of similar. For various reasons i had to plan ahead the day of my leaving. For the last week or so my ex was the loveliest she'd been in years. No idea why. I very nearly changed my mind. I had to force myself to remember that 1 week of sweetness can not undo 12 years of misery.

I left as planned. Just a few weeks later she's making my life hell again, though from a distance this time so it's not as bad.

You know better than anyone what your ex is capable of. Trust your instincts.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks for your replies. I am trying to follow my gut. I know this niceness is all a performance designed to trap me.

Part of the problem is that I've become too good at MC & GR.. I never confront him over anything, so therefore there are no arguments. If I were to let the MC slip, he might not be nice for much longer.

It's just typical FOG really isn't it. The guilt over leaving. Part of my problem is that he has no friends or family anywhere nearby. He moved state 'to be with me,' effectively trapping me because he had 'given up everything to be with me.' Once I tell him to leave, he will have no friends, no family, no network to fall back on. I have to keep reminding myself he CHOSE to come here, it was not my fault and he is not my responsibility.. but I do feel responsible and guilty. Although doubtless he will move on and reattach himself to someone else very quickly.

[notrightinthehead]

That self awareness you have about feeling guilty and responsible is very important.  What inside makes you think that you need to  take care of somebody who has no friends, no family, no network? What makes you responsible for another competent adult human being? Do you respect him as a responsible adult who can take care of himself and make sensible decisions?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

CBS, I really understand the almost-instinct not to leave all alone with zero supports a hurting person who has been dependent on us.   It can feel almost as strong as a maternal instinct to me.   Yet, like you, that's what I found myself having to do with my PDex. 

Meanwhile he tried to pound into my head that, for a hundred different reasons he would enumerate, I was most definitely obligated to care for him after all he had given up for me, that he could not make it without that, and how egregious it was that I would even consider leaving.  Also, he has 2 very serious health conditions which, on 3 occasions, would have killed him while we were together had I not been there.  He has no other family or friends because he burned through them all as a result of his PD.

It comes down to "Do I owe it to someone else to sacrifice my life for them?"  My gut can say "yes" to this, because I was groomed that way in my FOO.  But, of course, I don't.  I try to stick with all the good sources of support that will help that knowledge make the long trip from my head to my heart.  And make the non-codependent  moves, remembering  things like "Take the healthy actions...and the feelings will follow." & "Act your way into right thinking."

I hope you gain strength from the support you have here.  You are not alone!

[hhaw]

I remember when....wait.  I don't think I ever felt guilty for wanting to leave a disordered abusive man.  Once I made my mind up....I had no guilt or doubt about the ASPD stbx making all our beds and everyone having to sleep in them.

The PDs make their choices.

They get to live with the consequences, same as you and I.

I invite you to let go of the guilt.....accept the marriage is broken and you and your children deserve better.

Things might get easier if you aren't feeling responsible for your pd's actions and consequences.

You have your own reckoning to deal with.  Focus on yourself, your children and what you can do TODAY to move yourself toward the exit door and out.

The PD will do what all PDs do.....the unexpected, the mind boggling......the chaos manufacture and inhuman chaos manufacture, once they know you're going.

Save your compassion for yourself and your children, if you can.

This is a long haul, and things get harder than you can imagine, so limit chaos where you can.

That begins with regulating your own thoughts and emorions, IME.

You're the best resource you have.  Take very good care of yourself. Limit stress and circular negative thought as you can.

To you aren't a slave to looping emotions.  Breathe and focus on self care and your children....on a good exit strategy too.

Good luck.

[20yrsofcrazy]

I agree with everything already commented.

I felt the same guilt/responsibility and thought I needed to end the relationship on the heels of a bad event.   Otherwise...why would I want to if things are "going good"??!!   That was me making myself feel crazy...echos of what stbxpdh did for years.

My advice:  use the pseudocalm to get your ducks in a row.  Tuck some cash away.   Get a consultation with a lawyer.  Get your name or his name (depending on what it is) off whatever you can.  Make lists of property that is yours.  Im forgetting things but you get my gist.

The calm serves a purpose...use it. 

I had a straw that broke the camel's back event that solidified my decision.  That was on a wed.  I planned to tell him that weekend calmly that i was done.  He ended up sick and quarantined until we got test results so that delayed me by a week.  😣

It took me after I told him 9 days to convince him (all while he was being the nicest,  kindest, most helpful person) that I was done, I want a divorce, and he needed to move out.  On day 9, he flipped and started looking for a house to buy.  I couldnt believe how "smoothly" it went.

He is now out of my house waiting for house to close and has been deregulating.  He is  now threatening me with a lawyer (we agreed to a diy divorce while he was being nice).  He can't afford a lawyer so...idk. 

My point is calm your head while you can.  You know it will cycle bad again.   Just use this time to prepare.  If you dont use your preparation for 6 months to a year... that's ok.  Its done and can free up space in your mind to concentrate on other things.   

Big hugs!!! 

[blunk]

I too found myself waiting for my bpdxh to do that one huge undeniable thing that would let me walk away without guilt, and say THIS is why. And while, yes, he did manage that unforgivable event, the truth is he had already given me numerous valid reasons to end the marriage. And even though I told him exactly what he did, and why I could not continue, it didn't make a difference.

He still took no responsibility, blamed me for throwing away 20 years, accused me of having an affair with the friend who was helping me, called me names, cried, raged, hoovered, and any number of other moves from the PD bag of tricks. I still felt guilty, I still cried, I still mourned, despite having that straw that broke the camel's back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you already know what is best for you and your children. Just take a look at your own words from the initial post...this is your truth.

I feel so trapped.

I am so unhappy in this marriage.

I do not trust pdH. 

I am desperate to get away from him.

I have been subject to a cycle of abuse for 5 years

I can only judge future behaviour based on past behaviour.

Deep down, I know the guy is manipulative and abusive, 

[Boat Babe]

I echo what others here have said. If you are unhappy, then leave.  Why wait for the next round of abuse?

Imo, you owe your partner nothing/zilch/nada if he has abused you. You have zero obligation to an abuser. You do not need to carry any guilt for leaving an abuser.

Protect yourself and your children, please.

[Sadhubby]

I am not so strongly set in my view as the others in the replies, I don't know you or pdh after all, but two things jump out at me:

Firstly, being nice isn't a sign thay anything has changed. You rightly observe placebo effect. If my pdw were doing something genuinely different in terms of treatment then I would start being optimistic, but being nice is the bare minimum of a natural relationship between mutually respecting adults so NO THANK YOU.

Secondly, my history is an moziac of nice/nasty tiles, and I like you have learned that the nasty is always coming soon. I don't believe my pdw is acting nice, but she will flip out sooner or later. So don't only think about the past in how it made you feel then and now, you can also use it to forecast what's coming.

On the other hand, maybe there is something genuinely different this time. Maybe it's worth waiting around to see if you feel differently eventually, after the hate and the resentment cool and your pdh has done right by you and regained your trust. But I like everyone else that preparing is the right and responsible thing to do, even if the good guy does last.

[Prototypian]

I do.the exact same thing; wait until things are bad then magically things turn around.  I think my PD spouse has gradually attuned her cycle of anger/emotional response to just allow enough of a trough in the bad behavior to bring me back but no more.

[Penny Lane]

I suggest another way of looking at it.

The abuse comes in cycles, right? And this part of the cycle is the least stressful part of the cycle for you.

Use that extra energy you have now to plan your escape later! It will be so much harder to work on all the necessary logistics during a bad part of the cycle. If you don't feel you can leave right now, at least put future you in a better position to leave when things do get bad again.

[stormbrewing]

Part of the problem is that I've become too good at MC & GR.. I never confront him over anything, so therefore there are no arguments. If I were to let the MC slip, he might not be nice for much longer.

I think you are spot on here. My stbxupdh told his T in an online session (due to Covid) that 'we' were doing really well, that there had been no arguments, everyone was really happy. It was one of those pivotal moments for me, that realisation that of course he felt that because I had been implementing MC & GR and he had been able to cruise through making passive aggressive comments all over the place, not being challenged on entitled behaviours, snapping at us all to keep us in line. He hadn't even noticed that my personality had just disappeared, just thought we were getting along great.

Your thoughts sound so familiar to me, and I really get why you feel the need to wait. I just wish that none of us felt that obligation to put their needs ahead of our own, feeling that we owe our abusive SOs anything at all when it costs us so much. Whatever you decide, I hope you are ok.

[20yrsofcrazy]

Storm brewing

I just realized why my stbxpdh said he thought things were going soooo well lately...because I choose to employ GR and MC.   Makes perfect sense now.

If i hadn't gotten so good at it, we would have had more blow ups and more chaos and more unwanted behaviors.

I had questioned myself as to why I couldn't say I agreed that things had been better when they actually had been on the surface ...but not deep inside me. 

This kind of confusion makes you question yourself.

Makes perfect sense.   Thank you for this comment.  💞

[Medowynd]

PDs seem to have a skill at picking up when things are going to change.  I don't know how they do it, but they do.  No need to wait around for another explosion, a good look at the past behavior that is an excellent indicator of what the future holds is all the reason you need to leave.  If you wait for an explosive moment, what things are you going to forget or fail to do.  Don't leave on emotion, leave with a plan.  No reason to let the PD control when you make the decision. 

I left in the heat of the moment, when literally my PDex said that he wouldn't be paying for a propane delivery at the start of a Colorado winter, and we lived in the mountains.  He had recently given away thousands to the sycophants that surrounded him like flies, but it was fine with him that my toddler daughter would freeze.  Let's just say that getting things out of the house after that, etc, was a messy thing to go through.

[Bunnyme]

I waited for a big event, too, more so I could justify leaving to others.  And that big event ended up being dangerous for the kids.  I kick myself for not leaving sooner.  Even now that we are separated, I find myself treading lightly because my in laws bailed us out big time when the house I owned before we were married fell apart, and they covered the repair so we could move and bought a house that we could rent from them.  I'm living in that house now with the kids, and cant wait to get out.  I'm still here because they are waiving rent for now...though using that to excuse stbx from paying for the kids.  I also want to keep my son at his school and not get rid of pets.   I know that the other thing holding me back from being more forceful is the sense of guilt I feel toward his parents.  They are 100% defending him, enabling him, etc. But I feel like a hypocrite because they helped me out, too.  I know I need to move out, suck it up, and not care.  It is so hard.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I haven't had a chance to log on here in ages and I had no idea this topic had generated such a response. I'm so grateful for your compassion, empathy and sharing of your experiences. 

I've been searching for somewhere for me and the kids to rent but there is nowhere available at the moment. I'm searching every day. There is a housing crisis in my country at the moment and there is a massive lack of places to rent.

The other week I spent a weekend with family. Part of me was thinking maybe I could just stay with them and not go home to pdH, but ultimately I couldn't do it. I missed our home.  Me and the kids need our own space. Living with family would not work.

Anyway I have made progress. I am no longer waiting for things to 'turn  bad.' I am acknowledging that things are bad enough already. History speaks for itself. Past behaviour predicates future behaviour. I am actively looking for a new home for me and my children and I am getting my finances in order. Baby steps but that's a step in the right direction isn't it?

Thanks again everyone. I will try to respond to individual posts when I have a bit more time. Xx