Divorce 101

[frustratedanddiscouraged]

Can you all help me with some really basic questions?  This is all so new and confusing, and the fewer questions I have for my attorney, the less expensive for me. My husband is a covert narcissist. I hired an attorney and a petition for divorce was officially filed yesterday. I plan to tell him this weekend. In our state, we will have to split everything half and half, which is a shame considering I have worked multiple jobs and spent way less than him all these years. Uggh. We don't have minor children, so we only have be be living apart 3 months before the divorce is final.

I may be obsessing a little too much over details, but he has been financially abusive so I want to be as defensive as possible.

- since a petition has been filed, do our assest as of yesterday, divide in half?
- how does that work, assuming that once I tell him, he will need some time to process it, and hire his own attorney? Do we just keep paying the bills like the mortgage as usual, out of a joint account?
- what if he freaks out and goes on a spending spree?
- what should I do if he drags his feet too much?
- any other advice??

thank you!!

[GettingOOTF]

Your attorney should be able to answer these questions quickly.

50/50 states start at 50/50. This can be negotiated and depends on a lot of factors. Again, speak to your attorney. Make sure they are experienced in high conflict divorces. They may be more money upfront but will save you a lot of wasted time and money down the line. Be open and honest about the abuse.  Let them know upfront what to expect so they don’t waste your time and money with common strategies that don’t work with abusers.

I shut down all joint accounts and credit cards before I told him I wanted a divorce. Your separation agreement should cover you legally against any financial games he plays l but of course if he takes the cash you are out of luck, you will never see that money again. Speak to your attorney about transferring half the funds in any joint account into an account in your name only and at a different institution. This is very common in divorce situations

I called my bank and asked them to make a note in my records that I was in the process of divorcing. I’ve read stories of men talking banks into giving them access to their wives accounts during a divorce..

Prepare your attorney for the feet dragging. He likely will drag it on. Mine did for years. I wish I’d gone in hard at the start rather then trying to “do the right thing” by him.

I got all my finances and documents  etc. sorted before I told my ex. Make sure you have all important documents (birth certificates etc.) somewhere safe. I kept mine in my office. Others hire a storage facility. Secure all sentimental items you feel you can’t lose, any of your own family heirlooms etc. and scan any and all financial documents (mortgage, retirement, tax returns etc.) BEFORE you tell him. Your attorney should tell you this. If they don’t then get a new attorney. The more prepared you are the easier and cheaper this process will be. Abusers love to withhold financial documents and this is where they can most hurt you so be prepared.

Ask your attorney  exactly what you need for financial disclosure and get it yourself if you can. Relying on your ex being forthcoming and honest here is not a good strategy.

As soon you let him know your plans all bets are off. They almost never go willingly or quietly. There is nothing you can imagine that he won’t try.

Get the best attorney you can find. Save money by doing things like gathering documents yourself.

Your outcome will directly depend on the prep you are able to do before he finds out you are leaving. As long as you feel safe take this time to set yourself up now.

[MT]

 

Also ask for a temporary financial restraining order (TFRO)  as this will protect you if there is a spending spree. Trust me on this, my STBXW has spent Thousands and pulled stock options. My attorney is aware and it will come out of her 50% after we sell the house. All this BEFORE our first court date.

MT

[Bunnyme]

Also ask for a temporary financial restraining order (TFRO)  as this will protect you if there is a spending spree. Trust me on this, my STBXW has spent Thousands and pulled stock options. My attorney is aware and it will come out of her 50% after we sell the house. All this BEFORE our first court date.

MT

I've never heard of a tfro    mine is gambling and doing god knows what.  We keep totally separate accounts, but I worry he is racking up debt.  We dont have any joint cards, though

[Kat54]

In the state I lived in during my divorce, when you signed a legal separation agreement, and it was a basic document as we had not hammered out anything, it separates at that time any debt or financial obligation from each other. Like if my ex went out and racked up debt with our credit cards I wouldn't be responsible for the debt anymore. The credit cards were all in his name so I had to go and get my own anyway.  We had to separate our selves financially. The only thing we kept doing together was our joint checking which we both were depositing our checks into as we were paying the house bills from together.