Answering the question "Do you think you'll get back together again?"

[Blackbird11]

My family members and friends know what I have been through with this person - and yet they STILL ask me (even with lawyer now engaged) if I think we'll somehow get back together again?!

I've been reminding them: No, I won't be getting back with someone who was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life then live in the kind of relationship I was in ever again.

Does anyone else deal with this? 

[Poison Ivy]

A major factor in the demise of my marriage was my then husband's enmeshment with his parents, for whom he decided to "work" several years before the divorce. This work involved him living with them, at first part time and then full time, 24/7, year-round. I don't remember specific instances, but it's likely that some people asked me whether we'd get back together after his parents died. And HE asked me that, after both of them died last year within a few months of each other. I suppose it could be a reasonable question, except that he has done nothing about any of the other factors that caused him to ditch me many years ago and go home to mommy and daddy.

[GettingOOTF]

My family asked me this evening after I was divorced. It was infuriating, especially as I told them how abusive he was.

My family seem to think he was my only chance at a marriage. Also they are all in horribly toxic situations themselves so my leaving triggered a lot for them.

It's such an inappropriate question esp I'd you've already answered it. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Leaving my marriage exposed a lot of toxic areas in my relationships with others. I'm now NC with my family.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Stunningly inappropriate. You've answered that more than enough. That deserves the same kind of look you'd have if you'd stepped in dog doo.

[Blackbird11]

Thanks for your replies. This is such a unique experience I'm grateful to be able to commiserate with others who know what it's like.

[Prototypian]

I think in this case it's ok to have one of two answers:  "I prefer not to discuss that with you" or "No I will not get back with him".

Both statements are facts for you and are part of a non discussion medium chill.

You do not need drama, you do not need suppositions or "help" from well meaning but often unconsciously biased individuals.   You especially don't need to JADE with anyone who is not specifically part of your support group or legal help.   If they are asking either out of curiosity or because of ulterior motives you need to stop the discussion with a statement that is factual, not able to be refuted and you can refuse to be part of a further discussion.

[Blackbird11]

Thank you jsinjin. I keep forgetting that refusing to JADE can be extended to other people in my life. That's an aha moment for me!

[Prototypian]

Thank you jsinjin. I keep forgetting that refusing to JADE can be extended to other people in my life. That's an aha moment for me!

Thoughts and prayers to you, BB

[Medowynd]

You can tell them that your answer hasn't changed since the last time that they asked.  If you want to be short, "Asked and answered," is also a response, just not as kind.

[pushit]

For me, divorce was the best litmus test ever for who I should consider as my true supporters, whether family or friends.  It's a terrible experience, but I'm glad I went through it now.

Long story short, my parents and one sister supported me more than I could have ever asked for.  Loaning me money, dropping everything to help me move, child care, letting me vent on the phone, etc.  The other sister showed support at the beginning, then doubted my story and started telling other family members that she thought maybe I was abusive towards exPDw and she didn't know who to support.  I remember when she sent me a text asking for my ex's address so she could send her a birthday card, this was a month after the divorce was final.  I replied and told her that I thought that would be strange, since my ex in-laws won't even speak to me at my kids' birthday parties.  She sent back a condescending text about how it's the right thing to do to keep up relationships.  I replied and told her she could choose her own path forward and my ex's address is in the fake restraining order that was sent to her months ago. 

By going through hard times we also gain something.  I realized that this sister had always been a problem for me.  Judgmental, critical, giving support up to a point and then yanking it away as soon as it was advantageous to be critical again.  That had been going on for years.  After that final text exchange I chose to limit my communication with her, from now on it's Christmas cards and chats about the weather.  It's been a year now, and well worth it. 

Just because someone is "family" doesn't mean that they have special license to give you advice.  Everybody has their own problems, and sometimes family members are toxic.  If you have to, just limit your communication with them, and keep them out of your inner circle that you share things with.

[D.Dan]

My uPDmom has asked me this, at least once every year so far. All three times were meant to upset me.

First time was a few months after I separated from my stbx. She asked this because I was kicking out my uPDbro1, a sort of punishment and distraction from uPDbro1's antics at that time. My answer was a solid "NO." Followed by "not happening" when she asked if I was sure about it.

The second time was out of the blue. I suspect she was bored and wanted to upset me to get a fight started (she's been known to do this). She calmly, serenely, with a gentle smile on her face asked me this about year 2 into separation. After I let her pawn my wedding ring for money (I paid for that ring and had intended to pawn it anyways). My response was a little different. I still said, "No." But then she really bothered me by saying how everyone always gets back together with their ex's. So I asked her what sign, signal, phrase did I use to convince her I was getting back together with him. Nothing apparently, she just assumed I'd get back together with him because everyone else does.

The third time was during an argument a few months ago. She was trying to redirect the fight away from her behaviours and false accusations to me and my issues. Since I was already upset at the treatment I had already received, when she asked me this I responded with the nastiest thing I could think of, for her daring to go there.

"Why!? You want him or something! You can have him! You won't be getting a fight from me! You'd be doing me a favour! He's all yours!"

The shrieks and looks of disgust still makes me laugh whenever I remember this. Stopped the argument right there, she couldn't get away from me fast enough!

My first response was the best one and the one I'd recommend. I had to adopt the broken record technique and just kept repeating "No."

I don't recommend my second or third responses because the second one was jade and it has the potential to go on forever. Seriously annoying.
And my third response is the type that pwPDs tend to use as smear campaign material. I got lucky, because uPDmom only got as far as my sis before realizing this story would humor all my siblings.

[aPrettyNiceGuy]

If my OCPD wife woke up tomorrow and said, "ah ha! I can see now that I share responsibility for our relationship falling apart...I can see how I discarded you, shamed you, unfairly made you out to my friends as the worst version of yourself, wielded financial control over you.....for almost 20 years, and I am sorry! I actually do love you, and think I can change in time. Oh yeah, I'd also like to start therapy For my problem right away!"

I'd stay.