I had fleas

[LemonLime]

I think I had narcissist fleas well into my 20's.   My sibling gave them to me, I think.   Or, I had NPD tendencies, though I hope not, as that scares me.

I was a "Little Miss Can't-Be-Wrong" during college.  I really hated criticism as I think I thought I had to be perfect to be loved.  I didn't respond to criticism with rage, but I did feel indignant and get depressed.  I did feel shame.  This does sound narcissistic.

Some friends finally got fed up with my unwillingness to be flawed, and they individually called me on it, which was a turning point for me.  I got therapy and learned, in short, to be vulnerable and to allow others to like me or not like me.  Their choice.  It's still hard for me to not be liked by everyone, and to just allow that to be what it is.

All this is to say that I believe it is not uncommon to unconsciously have some bad habits or tendencies and that it can go unchecked easily.   I'm lucky people had the courage to call me on it.  And I'm glad I had the willingness and introspection and resources to get therapy.  BTW I did lose most of those friends, maybe due to my fleas and maybe not.   But I would not wish these fleas on anyone.  They could potentially have caused much more destruction in my life than they did.

I'm  grateful for this forum as a mirror.   I'm grateful for the honesty and vulnerability and kindness and empathy.   I can write these things and know that I will not be met with criticism and will instead by acknowledged for my growth.   It's rare to have an audience like that, and I treasure the chance to share my past failings and grief with you all.  Thanks.

[notrightinthehead]

Yes and yes and yes! So very brave of you to acknowledge and be aware. Not easy to say so but what growth! I still hate being critizised but humbly accept that it might be justified.

[Wilderhearts]

I was a "Little Miss Can't-Be-Wrong" during college.  I really hated criticism as I think I thought I had to be perfect to be loved.  I didn't respond to criticism with rage, but I did feel indignant and get depressed.  I did feel shame.  This does sound narcissistic.

I was my uNPDf's GC, and although I don't think I had a "couldn't be wrong"/know it all phase, I suffered from extreme perfectionism, and my self-worth was tied up with being perfect.  I certainly felt shame and depression for simple mistakes...and I'd say I still do.  The anger not so much.

What you're saying could potentially sound like covert/vulnerable narcissism, but who doesn't occasionally act bratty and entitled in their early twenties?  However, if friends brought a pwNPD's maladaptive behaviour to their attention, I highly doubt it would be a "turning point" for the pwNPD.  It would be a narcissistic injury.

I'm  grateful for this forum as a mirror.   I'm grateful for the honesty and vulnerability and kindness and empathy.   I can write these things and know that I will not be met with criticism and will instead by acknowledged for my growth.   It's rare to have an audience like that, and I treasure the chance to share my past failings and grief with you all.  Thanks.

That's a really beautiful expression of gratitude.  I think gratitude requires that we experience what others give us with humility.