Lost my cool yesterday

[what the fog]

My uPD mother visited this week. I haven't spoken to her in a decade. I was cleaning out our storage and found some things that may interest her, and stuff that I knew my BPD grandmother who I live with wouldn't just throw out. So it was my idea for my mother's husband to swing by and pick up the items.

Well, of course, my mother came and had a social visit with my grandmother. My mother started snooping around the house uninvited while I had a panic attack in a closet just from seeing her.

My gm doesn't understand the affect everything has had on me. She thinks I'll just forget and forgive the years of abuse both of them have put me through.

It took a few days for the FOG to take its affect, and I was fighting it every step of the way. Yesterday morning I was feeling super vulnerable and turned on The Good Place for philosophical guidance and cracked open the Emotional Blackmail book. Both of those help me bring myself back to center.

My grandmother walked in the room. I had told her that I wasn't in the best of moods earlier that morning. She came in and reminded me that I had told her I would do two things for her, said she wished I was in a better mood, and started to walk over to the room thermometer I have in my room. That's when I lost control.

I tried to grab my headphones because that's the first thing I turn to when I'm wanting others to stop other from talking to me. But instead threw them across the room and flipped my coffee table before storming out to find a quiet area to cry.

I could see the cycle starting again from her in every word she said. I'll put it this way, the only reason I have a thermometer in the room is to prove to her that she turns the heat up too high, which really affects my sleep. The motion of her moving towards the thermometer was enough to send me flying.

After a bit, I apologized for the outburst. My gm seems to have the ability of understanding at times, which is confusing. I didn't go into detail though. Neither did she ask. It was a scary, but isolated incident to her knowledge. My last freak out like that was 2 month's ago.

I'm worried I have C-PTSD. I've been trying to get both of us into family counseling so we can talk about our issues... but of course no one else wants to admit to even the mildest form of wrongdoing.

[Hepatica]

Aw what the fog,

Big hug. My heart goes out to you. That's a lot. Of course you were out of sorts if you haven't spoken to your uPDm in ten years. You were thrown by it. I'm so sorry. If you can stand outside of yourself and lovingly take a look at it, it gives you much information about how hard it was for you and how this one person, your mother, throws you totally into a flashback. It's okay. This happens.

Lots of self-care. Let your body go back to its equilibrium and do see if you can get the counselling you think will help you. I haven't read your other posts, but it sounds like there are some old wounds to attend to and some love and attention could really help you heal.

[nanotech]

I agree with everything Hepatica says.   

Did your gm's behaviour change when your mum was there? Did it revert to years ago?
I'm thinking she may have been emboldened to trample your boundaries?

The PDs in my family are worse when they get together.

How about having a talk with her about room boundaries? That's something you could do? Please don't consider it if you think it may trigger you.
But really, it's tricky living in the same place. Boundaries about space will really help.
She can have them too, about her space. If you presented it like that I'm thinking she may be more amenable to them in general?

I'm not a therapist of course. Get some good therapy- just you!
Therapy on your own, will benefit you a lot more than you think. Their behaviour doesn't change. But what we can do is protect ourselves with how we respond, and also in terms of having boundaries.

Have a look in the toolbox on this forum. Read as much as you can of that. It tells you how to use medium chill and grey rock.
If gm had reached the therm and commented in a critical way, ( directly or indirectly) you are under NO obligation to respond in detail. Use grey rock or medium chill. If you feel overwhelmed, calmly leave the space.
I know it's hard, but try not to show any strong emotions to them. It actually feeds into the behaviour. They won't be worried that they've upset you.
The minute you let their words/ looks/ actions lose their previous power, you will engage with your own emotional strength and then you can just start your recovery.
Medium chill / grey rock answers;
'Okay'
'Hmmm'
'I don't know'
'Let me get back to you on that'
'I have plans'
'No'
If they continue, use the Broken Record technique. You just keep repeating your short, vague answer to them. This feels weird at first!
You can say  ' I can see why you say that/ feel that way  ( gives them a little something) but then assert yourself by repeating
but
'I have plans'
'I'm not engaging' ( with mum, etc )
'That's my decision'
( boundary, plan, routine)
'We've talked about that already and I feel there's need to talk further on it.'

Try not to JADE.
Jade stands for
Do not
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain.
We have been programmed to all of the above. We think they will respond to reason so we keep explaining, defending, justifying, arguing.
All this does is fuel their need for drama and upset ( narcissistic supply). Stopping doing these was the best thing I ever did.
Take care xxxxx


You can just not engage.
Just because they make remarks, doesn't make it true. No need therefore, to defend.

I've used these for years now and they really work. The toolbox literally gives us tools which allow us to deal with the personality disordered.
Getting them to own their behaviour is probably not a realistic wish. I know, I tried to get mine to do this for years. But dropping the rope, medium chilling, that can have an effect on their behaviour, because it sort of dismantles it.
They see drama and upset as normal, and they even welcome it. I think it's why Your grandma hasn't mentioned it and hasn't been fazed by it. They've normalised their provocative behaviour and they accept your  defensive reactions.
I used to be very defensive. Now I'm robotic and boring! They don't get their drama fix any more.   

At first when you change, they might  get a little bit more provocative. My unpdbrother  and dad did. But after a while they run out of hot air.
I would say, get into counselling/ therapy yourself. The tail CAN wag the dog. Seems incredible, but you can reduce and eliminate this abuse just by how you respond to them.
I'm sorry you've been through this. 

[what the fog]

I agree with everything Hepatica says.   

Me too. 

Did your gm's behaviour change when your mum was there? Did it revert to years ago?
I'm thinking she may have been emboldened to trample your boundaries?

You're right, possibly. And thank you for that toolbox summary! I was talking to a newly graduated doctor friend of the family about it this morning about the incidents. She knows my family well so she can help piece some things together. She asked me if I thought it was a panic attack or just emotions. The one with my uPDm was a panic attack at the least. I couldn't engage because I knew the consequences. Even my appearance would have given my mother pleasure. Having both of them teaming up on me is also not my idea of a fair fight. Hello childhood.

The second was an emotional attack, for lack of a better word. I was angry. Angry that I really couldn't tell my gm what exactly is happening while also trying to fight it off.

So yesterday I told my gm the truth. Telling someone with BPD that their emotional abuse has affected me, and I no longer take responsibilities for her own bad choices sent her flying. She started in on all the things she has done for me, how ungrateful I am, how she'll never forgive me and I can leave when I want. You get the picture.

I talked her down though, and out of her primal fear of abandonment. I told her that despite our past, I love her. I wouldn't leave her without a plan in place she was comfortable with. Then I started explaining some of my own poor decisions and telling her I'm taking responsibility that I've also hurt people in my life. (Possibly do to a severe codependency?)

We talked about our feelings, calmly for a bit. I told her that her feelings are valid-referring to her primal fear-just as much as mine are. I told her I just want mutual respect in our conversations and that I have no interest in playing the blame game. I just needed her to know the conversation in my head. I have to say we are communicating better.

I have two very prominent figures in my life with PDs. One of them has only used me for her own personal gain. The other took me in, and despite her challenges, gave me yes, anything I could ask for. Is that the best parenting technique? No.

Her's the thing, though. I don't see my gm as a threat anymore. Yes she can find and activate my hotspots, but really over only petty crap. I can use my situation to my advantage and grow as a person.

There's so many techniques that I just blank when it's happening! I'm getting better with practice though.

[Andeza]

Going blank in the moment is extremely common. It's a bit of a survival technique, or was in my case.

Have you heard of C-PTSD? It's similar to, but exists in different circumstances than, PTSD. It might be beneficial to you to read up on it, and possibly might help you understand your anxiety and emotional attacks. Not saying it's what you're dealing with, just adding a research point if you're interested. 

I've dealt with both.... at one point or another in my life. And, being ridiculously stubborn at the time,  never sought treatment for either specifically. I think it would have been helpful, and furthered my healing journey leaps and bounds if I had.

I do want to add, I'm glad you had a good conversation your gma. There's always a but isn't there? But. BPD individuals are quick to forget such things, or will turn them around in some bizarre way that makes your head do this number What she will remember, most likely, is the negative emotions of the moment.

I'm not saying it will be that way, I just want you to be prepared for the possibility. That way, if it happens, you're not totally blindsided and lost as to what the heck is going on.

Keep posting, we'll keep helping as much as we are able.