I'm trying to go LC with updmum

[SparkStillLit]

She leaves daily vms. She keeps trying to drop by. She has items for me and a birthday card, which I plan to pick up on the stealth when I'm doing inspections over there and she's at work.
She's bugging me to death about DD, there's so much more going on there right now that I haven't discussed here, updh is being horrible about it, I have shared no detail with anyone but my T. Updm just bugs constantly for "updates" and "pictures".
This thing with DD is really what has caused me to withdraw. I would move heaven and earth for either of my children, but sometimes I wonder if I should.
I simply cannot stand any more of the incessant bothering and questions and "I want to see the family" and I can't say anything about DD because she would go PD apesh&t, and it would be absolutely way more than I can bear. Updh is already going PD apesh&t. I'm at the very extreme limit of what I can bear right now.
She keeps bugging about "do something for my birthday" and I don't want to. I'm too upset. Doing things with her is fraught anyway. She keeps bugging about taking me/us out for a meal, even though I've already said that's too covidy for me.
I didn't buy myself a present because we have no damn money because dh won't work, I didn't take myself out because that and too covidy and I'm too upset over DD.
I JUST can't deal with her right now. Even trying to go LC with her is taxing the life out of me! I respond to about every 5th vm or so, and I KNOW I'm doing the gambling thing, the intermittent reward, but I just don't know how else to do it.
I've got dh going on one side, I've got her going on the other, I've got the whole thing with DD where I freaking AM trying to move heaven and earth, and I may or may not succeed, and she may or may not, and it's BREAKING MY HEART.
AND I'VE GOT NO ONE. I have secret mysterious people on a forum, and I have two beautiful friends online, across the country, that I have known for gosh at least 12 years? More? But I have never met in person. That's what I have. Oh, and a therapist.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Sparks, you are doing your best and what you are doing is alright. I think you have way more than what you think you do. Even for those who have many friends, most of them could not understand what it is like to have PDs in your life and managing LC. It really is not anything most of us feel safe sharing with others anyway. If you have this forum or others like it, that is great. It is not the quantity of people we have around us, it is about what we fill our lives with. Hopefully, we fill it with things that support us and make us feel good about who we are. If not, then hopefully we work on ways to find it. It is a journey and we sometimes figure it out as we go. I just wanted to say you are not alone. Hugs. 

[SparkStillLit]

Thanks a bunch, Blueberry Pancakes.
I saw my T today and she sent me off to my GP tomorrow because I'm seriously that low functioning. I am doing the bare minimum of my job (my boss is thankfully a very understanding lady). I'm doing the bare minimum at home, and honestly, I keep doing scary shit like leave the gas on or leave the car in drive. I'm going to kill me and not even mean it. I eat every 3-4 days or so, then I can't hang on to it. It's madness.
I can't keep all these balls in the air.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry, Spark.  Having a child who is teetering on the edge, whether with physical health or mental health, is extremely stressful.  We would trade places with them in an instant, give our lives for them.  Instead we are usually left watching, mostly helpless to make it better.

I wonder if any of the people in your support system have gone through this.  I had a wonderful friend who was in the same situation with her child and we supported each other.  I remember her telling me so many times, "We have to stay in the day, Free, just stay in the day."  It was soothing just to hear her voice, because I knew she truly understood.  And when she was going through it, I could be there for her. 

It's hard when you're sick with worry to listen to the advice about "strapping on your own O2 mask first" or taking time to do some self care.  But it is part of the drill to do some of those things so we can be somewhat present for ourselves and our child. 

I'm glad you will see your GP.  I'll keep you, your DD, and all your family in my prayers.

[Spring Butterfly]

Please be assured you do not need to do anything you don't want to do. Others have zero power except for their words which has the ability to create FOG if we give those words power. She cannot make you pickup the phone, get in your car, drive anywhere you do not wish.

I get it, I was so dep in FOG and controlled by it I relocated my family to take care of my "elderly" parents on the brink of death except no one was dying and they weren't elderly. Only when I came Out of the FOG and discovered this community did I find my power.

If you haven't checked Pete Walker's website especially the part about human rights it might be worth checking. You mention self care and I find just fitting small things into my routine like when I wash my face doing a mini massage or in the shower wash with tender care and do a lymphatic drain gentle stokes in the direction of the heart helps. General mindfulness can just be part of life and daily living. This little things made a world of difference without a bit of extra time.

Wishing you peace.

[SparkStillLit]

Thank you all so much. I spoke to a friend yesterday. She isn't (thank God) in the same situation, but gave love and support. She has been with me since we were children, so she knows all my history and all my roots. And my DD and my updh.
And off to my GP in just a little bit.
One day at a time, as they say.