End my marriage via email?

[Bunnyme]

You warned me that it would get worse, and it is.  And he's only scratched the surface.  He is continuing the lies.  I spoke with my attorney about filing after he still isnt paying or giving me documents.  Also about being able to buy a house (he'd have to sign off).  He canceled visitation yesterday, and messaged to switch days this weekend.  I asked if we could get together during what was supposed to be the visit time.  No.  And he nixed the other times I offered.  Ok...phone.  Nope.  He is too busy with work. I said I would send an email (where i was going to address a few issues about the kids' school and ask one last time that he meet with me.  Well, he sent me an email instead.

It is terrifying how delusional he is.  All about how hard he is trying and how I am treating him "like a second class citizen and a third class human being."  How he pays for this and that and it just isnt enough for me.   How he tried so hard at mediation, but I'm not willing to compromise.  [Um, I said I would negotiate at mediation, but I needed to see proof of his income to decide on any support adjustment.  He is refusing to give me any papers.  He also promised a $500 payment to me at mediation...and again promised a few days ago...but I digress]  He wants to know where our relationship is going.  [Ive told him I'm done time and again, but didnt say divorce.   Just that we would never get back together since he keeps lying to me].  He said we need to figure things out "before this explodes." 

So, since you are the only ones who understand.  Do I:

• Not respond at all.  Just file
• Write back and just say that we really need to talk in person

3.  Since he wont meet with me and sent the email and asked, go ahead and tell him in no uncertain terms that I want the divorce, logically refuting his claims. I know the logic  gets me nowhere with him, but if it became an evidence thing, it is there

My reservation with just filing is that I already have legal custody and he has supervised visits.  If we go to court, he will likely get more.  I would be able to enforce support, but he doesnt make money anyway since losing his jobs for anger issues.  However, I'd be taking a stand against all of the lies.  Negotiating is my only hope of saving my pension from him. 

[GettingOOTF]

I would not respond, speak with an attorney and file.

He believes what he believes. Nothing you do or say will change his views. I wish I’d understood this about my ex much earlier in the process. My divorce was a nightmare because I kept twisting myself in to knots trying I be reasonable to someone who was incapable of being reasoned with.

Yes he may end up with more time if you go to court but you have to weigh up living in limbo and the constant uncertainly with what having a stable, calm and safe home will give your kids. He may also end up with less time. If you are documenting his constant cancelling of visits you have powerful proof of his actual involvement vs his claims of involvement. Judges take this into consideration when deciding custody.

Knowing what I know now I wish I’d only dealt with my ex through my attorney, but I had to learn that for myself.

What has your attorney said about your pension? Are you assuming you need to negotiate or has your attorney told you you will lose some of it to him unless you play his game?

You cannot negotiate with people like your husband. He’s out to destroy you for daring to think about leaving. Nothing you offer will be enough. I urge you to speak with an attorney to find out where you really stand. It’s possible that he gets more custody but it’s highly unlikely a judge will go from supervised visits to “more” custody time.  In divorces where addiction is an issue the additional custody time is usually contingent on conditions around sobriety. 

Adults are expected to work. Again it’s possible but it’s highly unlikely a judge is going to force you to hand over your pension so that he can stay home and drink/gamble. I read a comment on another forum where a woman was so worried about having to pay her ex maintenance. Turns out the amount he was entitled to was $125pm. Let your decisions be guided by advice from an experienced attorney, not your husband or your in-laws. None of these people are looking out for you. A good attorney will fight to get you the best outcome.