Is my ex a narcissist or was it me?

[Hope978]

I recently got out of a 6 year relationship. The first 5 years I was with him, he was not single. I had grown up with him, and after falling out of touch, we reunited and it felt like I had found my missing puzzle piece. It was instant. I didn't know at first, but found out he had a girlfriend after seeing her on his social media and confronted him. He had always been a cheater, so I wasn't surprised. I cared, but not enough to end things.

The years were tumultuous. He ended things multiple times, saying I pushed too much, and would ghost me, but he would always come around when I didn't give up. A few years in, I found out (again through social media) that he had proposed to his gf. He texted me the morning of his wedding to tell me he loved me and everything would be ok. He was married for just over two years before she left him, she never found out he was cheating. He moved in with me a few months later. He said he wasn't ready to commit to me, was just "crashing", and then started bailing on me, blamed my "pushing" and moved out. At one point he told me I'd never be his girlfriend because of how I pushed (texting non stop when I felt he was lying or bailing on me).

We stayed in touch, and ended up going on vacation a few months after that, where he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend.


He moved in with me after a few weeks. A week or so later his parents told him he could rent out a unit in the apartment building they own because he has two kids (from his first marriage), and my place was too small for all of them. He had said he'd just spend weekends there with them, and I'd move in after my lease was up. The apartment needed a lot of work to be livable, so we started working on his ("our") apartment soon after.  I spent a lot of money and time (labor) on it. A few weeks after that, my dog died. Then covid hit and we quarantined together. Two weeks after that, I was "furloughed". A month after that, he lost his job. We then basically spent 24/7 together either working on the apartment, or enjoying each other for the next two months. When we weren't together, he'd call just to talk. I threw his son a birthday party, we were a great couple. Things were honestly amazing for 4 months. We argued a few times, but I didn't push because I felt secure in the relationship. Then one day he went to work at that apartment and I decided to stay behind. He was gone for 6 hours. We got there the next day and not a lot was done, so I questioned his whereabouts and got nowhere. From that moment on,  it became all about finishing the apartment, and he was suddenly saying he'd split his time between there and my place. He would say things shouldn't be so hard that early on (even with all we'd been through).

I confided in him multiple times that I was scared he'd move to the apartment when things got rough. That I was scared we'd move backwards. He insisted that wouldn't be the case, but apparently I was "pushing", and he started to change. He stopped calling when we weren't together, and we suddenly were working on the apartment non stop and when I'd say I miss having time just for us, he'd say we're together all the time and I sounded needy.

We finished the apartment and he started staying there from Weds night thru Sunday night for a few weeks. I wasn't happy and made it clear, but his reasoning was that he wanted to make it feel like home. He never asked me to stay with him. His appearance and actions changed. We argued a lot, he'd pick fights and would bail on me constantly, and he eventually moved out of my apartment completely. We stopped spending much time together, and he blamed it all on my pushing and neediness. I know I wasn't pushing THAT much, but I also wonder if my insecurities drove him away.

I began to feel he was cheating (for a million reasons), I confronted him about it on a few occasions, but he denied it and would turn it around saying things were bad because I was pushing (again). My gut told me he was lying. I had a feeling who he might be cheating with, so one day I contacted this woman's brother (a total stranger) on social media. He eventually confirmed they'd been dating for a few months and she didn't know he had a girlfriend. I still had doubts because his story wasn't totally adding up, but it was too late... the woman told him, and he contacted me to tell me I was an embarrassment to him because they were just friends and I should find someone else to be with. I texted him all day, mostly to be ignored. Then called him, and he was cold as ice. Refused to admit to cheating, and said he wouldn't give me any answers.

I then messaged the (possible) other woman to apologize for what he did to both of us and tell her I didn't blame her. She didn't reply, but I got a call from him a minute later telling me to stop reaching out to people, that no one cares about my pity party.

I tried talking to him after that, some nice texts, some telling him he's awful, but the only time he responded was to tell me I'm the reason we'd never be together, that (again) I'm an embarrassment, psycho and toxic, and he blocked me.

That was two months ago. I've reached out sporadically on social media since then wanting answers for closure, and he's only replied 2-3 times telling me to stop. I'm in hell and want to FEEL he's awful, but still can't help wondering if things would still be great if I'd backed ofF.

I just wonder if I AM psycho and toxic because I pushed (texted too much when things weren't going well), and did what I did to find out if he was cheating. I'm a mess, I miss him and want to talk to him. I just need to know I'm not alone in feeling like this.

[bloomie]

Hope978 - hi there and welcome. I am glad you have reached out for support as you work through the ending of this relationship.

You are not alone. Many of us have found ourselves in a toxic cycle with a person who is not reliable and whose word's and intentions we cannot truly and accurately discern.

Healing and figuring out what is our side of the street to clean up takes time and distance I have found and surrounding ourselves with a support system - friends and family who will encourage you, a therapist, and in my own case I needed a relationship with a few women mentors to right the sinking ship of my life choices.

I want to pop in a few simple articles that I think may help you as they have me and then to offer the support of our board for those who are separating.

The 50% Rule: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-50-rule

and a really helpful article about the narcissistic abuse cycle it is easy to get lost in:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

And our separating board: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=8.0

I know right now you want closure and do miss him. It seems to have been a very compelling and addicting experience to be in relationship with him. Odds are good that you will never get closure and putting yourself in harm's way by continuing to try to contact him may only delay your healing and moving forward to a good and happy life.

You get to choose who, how, what you invest your very valuable life in and you get to discern who is worthy and trustworthy of your time, love, and investment.

Make good use of the info at the drop down menus above and read... read the words of others here, their insights, their journeys. Engage and join the conversations when you are able.

Make good use of the other online resources found here:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=45.0

There are vids and articles and book recommendations all over this website. Dig in and turn your energy toward the only thing you can cure, change, control... simply and always yourself.

Keep coming back! We are here for you!

[gj438]

Hello !

(english is not my mother language but I'll do my best to be as accurate as possible)

You are not alone feeling like this. My NPD ex-coworker and my schizoid PD ex boyfriend also made me feel that I was the toxic one. Whenever I was expressing anger or concern (two perfectly legitimate feelings), my NPD ex-coworker would do exactly like your ex. I needed a lot of time understanding and feeling that it was not true, but at the end these guilt feelings disappeared. Here I'll just concentrate on this texting/calling issue you mentioned, and the response of your ex to that.

From what you said, I feel like saying "you're pushing" each time you want to express your feelings or concerns is a way for him to avoid facing some truths/issues, and to return the blame to you.
Your reaction of texting/calling/seeking more conversations seems completely normal: if you didn't get the feeling that your concerns/feelings were heard or validated, it seems natural to me to try and make them heard.
How would someone healthy react, if someone texted them a lot with concerns and fear ? Would they tell them to stop ? I think they'd rather tell them something like "I see how distressed you are and I would like to help you", or "I'm sorry you are feeling like this". I feel like you would have rather deserved something like this.  They might also be a little awkward of course, and not reply the perfect response, but at least they wouldn't make the person feel guilty for writing or for feeling what they feel. No matter what, what you feel is always legitimate.

In case you feel that you really texted too much sometimes and you feel like it was a mistake : from my own experience, I can also tell you that sometimes, yes, we might send more texts than we are used to. Maybe, you wouldn't text that much in normal conditions. But at the same time, how can you expect to behave normally if someone is driving you crazy or hurting you? So, yes, sometimes it is normal to make "mistakes" and text maybe more than usual. NPD people may use this one or few mistakes to make you feel guilty. You are not toxic or a psycho, even if you made mistakes, and no matter what behaviour you had in order to cope with the things he did to you. Have you read the article on "fleas" on this website ? I found it very helpful.

To sum up: your feelings are always legitimate, trying to express them is healthy and you deserve to be listened to and validated whenever you do it. No one has the right to judge you for expressing feelings. Having a strong reaction when someone you love doesn't want to hear your feelings is normal, and therefore texting a lot doesn't make you toxic, nor a psycho, but rather a human being coping with a hard situation.

I also understand that you want to talk to him and that you miss him. It's perfectly normal. I've felt exactly the same at first.

I wish you a lot of courage on your way, and it's really cool that you've come on this forum !