Moving Forward And Not Going Backward

[Kat54]

Its been a journey for sure is all I can say. Being alone while in many ways is great because I don't have my exNPDh making me a wreck, yelling at me, questioning and criticizing every move.  There are truly some days I question myself and wonder was I to blame for some of the breakup of my marriage. I thought of it this weekend because my kids came up for dinner and we were talking about the holidays and how they are supposed to be with me for Christmas this year and they are already back tracking and saying, "well dad is having Christmas Eve, and he wants us there".  So again I'll be waking up alone on Christmas Day and being alone most of the day until they come up for dinner.  I live now an hour away in a new home.

And stupid me says, "well if your dad ends up being alone on Christmas Day he is always welcome"  thinking I'll be the nice one, and I can spend a day with him if I have to. Bad bad bad, should not care what he does for a holiday.  My daughter just looked at me and said her father would rather stick needles in his eyes then spend a day with me. She wasn't saying it to be mean, she was just stating a fact.  I guess he does hate me that much, and I forget how he burns bridges with people who cross him.

I was always kind to him, even when things were going south I tried so hard to not make it terrible that I wanted a divorce, by speaking the truth of what I needed from him to save our marriage. And it was the hardest thing I had to do was have difficult conversations with him, but in reality I knew things were over and I was giving up and starting to think about saving myself.  Divorce always is very bad and bad feeling come out, he couldn't have those conversations, he would talk to me like tossed salad and deflect and change the subject to blame me. I never hated him, I just needed to get away because I had no voice in my marriage and was always afraid to speak or have an opinion.  He was so controlling it was burying me.  Was I that awful that he rather jump off a cliff or whatever to not be around me. He got so much in the divorce that I let go so not to hurt our kids anymore than we would have to.

I know he has his view of the whole thing, and I have mine. Some days I think I should write him a letter, but that is a futile move and would serve nothing but make me step backward in my recovery from a traumatic relationship. How do I keep moving forward and then suddenly I'm dwelling on my marriage and was I really horrible and terrible to him?  How did you all make those steps forward count and not fall backward, back into depression, back to that old life.

[Hopeful Spine]

I have no real advice but wanted to offer a few words of support.  Leaving any relationship behind is hard. I've left behind people I really enjoy - because I knew it wasn't an truly mutual friendship.  I've been hurt and have chosen to not return back to a friendship that was mostly good.  But it's especially hard to end a relationship where you invested a great deal yet still were not treated properly.

Do not write that letter to him.  I too have a tendency to want to "wrap things up" and I've written these kinds of letter.  Each time I've regretted putting myself out there - only to be hurt by their dismissive nature. 

Sometime we have to be a bit selfish in order to heal ourselves.  It's uncomfortable when we alter that about ourselves but it is so necessary.  Focus on your children.  On rebuilding a life.  This holiday season might be hard but I'll bet next year will be vastly different in a positive way.  Hugs to you.

[notrightinthehead]

I have no advice for you. I was discarded when I no longer let him abuse me and replaced within three months. For me,  for a long time I had more bad days than good after I left. So many nights I could not sleep because I was ruminating about my failed marriage.  I could not sleep because I felt the fury that I should have felt in my marriage and suppressed, about the way I let him treat me.  My children witnessed how contemptuous I allowed myself to be treated.  It hurt them. I taught them to walk on eggshells around him, to bow to his whims, to treat him as if he was better and more important than me. I did this and it was wrong. I should have been brave enough, for my childrens's sake as much as for mine, to stand up for myself and speak my mind. Not treat him well or kindly. I should have implemented boundaries that show myself that I respect myself and treat myself as if I was an important person for myself. And I should have allowed others to experience the consequences of their behaviour.
Now, almost three years later I feel so much better. I am working very hard to be kind and considerate to myself and allow others to  worry about their own wellbeing.  I have apologized to my kids several times but as they are adults, it is up to them to make their own choices. If they prefer to spend time with their father,  I respect that.  I will do whatever I can, to make the time that is left for me meaningful and good for me.
I hope you  too will find some happiness for yourself - independent of others.

[Boat Babe]

Notrightinthehead. That brought tears to my eyes. You have really suffered. And you are so wise and compassionate. Wow. Blessings to you and us all.