Anxious and excited to be here. 43 year old woman with BPD mother.

[hernoodlyness]

Hi there! 

I am 43, married and a mom of two boys (2 and 6 years old). And the daughter of a mother with BPD.

Although I am new here, I am not new to the BPD experience. I have made many attempts to extract my identity and wellbeing from that of my mother with un-BPD. Growing up, I knew things were very wrong in our house. It was all so different from our friends' family life. Until relatively recently I have always sought therapy to fix myself. It was not until I accidently (after another dreadful, devastating blow-up) stumbled upon the idea that my mother may be suffering from BPD. Like many of you, may life has been split into before and after that a-ha moment. So much makes sense now and the relief that came with it has been precious.

For the past year I have been trying to be superficially pleasant without engaging in the drama that always surrounds my mom. This has most likely pissed her off and, like a shark, she is  bumping up against my borders looking for fault lines. There are a few regular life things going on that is leaving me a bit sad and tired and she can smell the blood in the water. After some quiet months, I can feel her darkness stirring and I suspect we will have some kind of drama at Christmas, if not before.  Just thinking about Christmas makes me tired.

SO: long story short, I have JUST booked my first therapy session in a couple of years to see if I can shore up the boundaries again. And joined the forum for some additional support and insight.  It feels like the right time to start The Work again.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I feel so tired of living with this constant fear of temper outbursts and miserable emails and crappy whatsapps.  It helps to know there is a very large and diverse group of people that share similar, if not exactly the same, experiences.

Much love.

[SunnyMeadow]

After some quiet months, I can feel her darkness stirring and I suspect we will have some kind of drama at Christmas, if not before.  Just thinking about Christmas makes me tired.

Hi! I'm glad you're here. I get so much insight and help from the forums!

Oh boy, do I ever understand the darkness stirring. What a good way to word it. Every.single.year. my uNPDmother has her "episodes" around a holiday. It got so I hated the thought of having her over for any reason. I have disliked the holidays because of her for so many years. She's a complete #%%^ to mess up the holidays for others. Ugh.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I feel so tired of living with this constant fear of temper outbursts and miserable emails and crappy whatsapps.  It helps to know there is a very large and diverse group of people that share similar, if not exactly the same, experiences. Much love.

I feel tired too and fearful, which is ridiculous to feel at my age. I really hate still feeling like a little girl not wanting to make mother angry. But join us over in all the different forums, I'm sure it will be helpful for you. Dealing with PD parents and Dealing with Elderly PD Family Members is where I am most of the time.

Detach from her as much as possible while your children are this young. I wish I had!

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

Thank you for your post as you have succinctly and articulately summed up what has occurred to me as well. I had the light bulb moment when a mental health professional informed me about BPD. That led me on a path of finding out more about personality disorders over many years.

It's good to know that you will be seeking help from a therapist again. There are many things that I do regularly which I look upon as maintenance to help keep myself well and resilient. It's the reason I post here regularly. We all help and support each other through some very difficult times which other people really don't understand.

It sounds like you are already using Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques to not engage so much with your mother. My rule is to always stay calm no matter what happens. I can easily get all my buttons pushed but how I react is up to me. I am in control of that. I can't control how anyone else behaves. Observe, don't absorb.

Your mother will test your boundaries so be prepared for that. She will not like how you are changing because you are not feeding her narcissistic supply any more. She will try and push your buttons even more to get the reaction she craves. Stay calm, firm and consistent.

You may find the "Toolbox" of help and also "Other Media Resources" where I post links to many websites that I have found of help to me and information about YouTube videos about narcissistic abuse.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

[hernoodlyness]

Thank you for the warm and kind welcome. I may have finally found my online tribe It is difficult for those close to us who have not experienced *waves hand* all of this all the time to get it. There are soooo many  posts on here where I just want to jump up and down and shout me too. OMG ME TOO. So, thanks and see you in the forums .

[scattered_78]

Welcome.  I totally get you when you say you feel tired just thinking about it.  It's exhausting, the worrying and wondering what will happen next.  I find my MIL's mere presence changes the whole atmosphere of our home.  Everyone is on edge.  You will get good support here. 

[Spring Butterfly]

Welcome and I really relate. Narcissistic injury is real and PDs do not like boundaries. No one is going to tell them what to do. No one is going to cut off their supply. It's an addiction and when their supply is cut off it's rough.

For my own protection I have some people set to silent notification. I see it when I see it and read only after mustering and calling up my best "I don't care" feels. Sometimes I respond, sometimes I wait, sometimes I just send an emoji. Then I archive so it's off my radar. Others response to my boundaries is not my concern.

Check the boundaries sticky in the Working On Us board, it's full of resources in addition to the toolbox topic.

[fj7]

Hello Hernoodlyness! This is my very first post. I've been reading for several years but now feel ready to interact. I will properly introduce myself in a new thread soon. I just wanted to say your post resonated so strongly with me - I am also 43 and understand every word you wrote. Best of luck with your therapist and how you decide to move forward from here. I've been NC for almost 3 years and - as SunnyMeadow said - only wish I'd done it a decade or more earlier when my kids were younger. Unfortunately, they ended up getting entwined in the mess as they were aged 7-14 at the time of the biggest, and final, blow up. I totally understand you feeling tired. It takes so much energy to deal with.

[Psuedonym]

Hey hernoodlyness,

Just stopping in to say a) we get it 100% and b) your username is hilarious and I love it.