Throwing kids birthday parties

[Drawing_boundaries]

I am looking for some advise on how to navigate a personal trigger so that I can provide my child with a birthday party.

My child wants a birthday party so badly... this year because of covid I have been able to give a clear no. It is not appropriate.
Next year I would like to be in a place emotionally to embrace a birthday party for her. She is extroverted and loves spending time with her friends. To get to this point I need to work on my own damage around my birthday.

There are two issues:
1. Mother made is clear on my birthday that she despised my existence & than died 2 weeks later. I can still feel the moment of her judging me on my birthday.
2. I am NC with FOO and a single parent. I have no family and feel like a birthday party would expose this. Although I love my life free from FOO & full of love and joy with my child any discussion about my FOO with 'normals' makes me feel vulnerable.

I am possibly catastropisimg but I am also using my child's desire as the spring board for some deep healing.
My child was wanted and I celebrate her existence. It is the underlying FOO/Mother stuff I want to address.
Thank you

[Call Me Cordelia]

I feel you. I'm so so sorry your mother weaponized your birthday in such an awful way and then died before there was any hope of fixing that mess. That says nothing about the worthiness of your existence, just that she was a pretty awful mother. If she had that view your whole life, you are truly a survivor, my friend. That you have thrived enough to reach adulthood and care enough to raise your own daughter with the love you did not receive speaks to your strength. And you are continuing to grow! I'm proud of you for working to overcome and not to make your own limitations your daughter's burden.

Regarding #2: I too have no aunts or cousins or grandparents to invite to my children's parties anymore. Some of our friends who do have large extended families and even those who don't have two celebrations, one for family and one for the child's friends. This is actually pretty common where I live. So it might not be questioned at all. (Although to me my first thought was do it all TWICE?!? but grandma makes the cake. Aunties bring the dinner. Or whatever. People make it easy on the mom. Completely foreign to me.)

And if it is questioned, I have pat answers prepared. I had this fear too, especially moving to a new place where large extended families are common. Often I've found it helpful to acknowledge the situation in a bland way, "We don't have any extended family." Sometimes following up with, "It makes us especially grateful to be here with all you wonderful folks." As I become closer to people I have found it helpful to share a bit more, but not laying it all out except for a couple of dear dear friends who have earned my trust. But most of my acquaintance have either never asked or know that we simply don't have any extended family in our lives. If someone has asked a follow up question, "Why? Are they dead?" I've practiced making strong eye contact and saying, "I'd really rather not talk about that." I have a bit of a mean steak in me I guess, because I feel a bit of satisfaction when I see the questioner gets uncomfortable. They realize they've been nosy. I've only had to do that a couple of times. And then change the subject to something light. Sometimes, "It's an abusive situation and we have to keep our kids safe," has been appropriate. With the neutral voice and eye contact. I'm sorry if I'm giving too many different responses. But the key is only talking about what I want to, and at the same time shedding the shame of my family situation. If we believe the three C's: you didn't cause it, don't control it, and can't cure it, why then you have no cause for shame, rationally speaking. I still feel it sometimes, but for me it's been a case of fake it until you make it. We did get acting skills from a dysfunctional upbringing, so I say use it for good. I am being authentic, even if I am controlling the emotional display. And then make time for some good self-care afterwards!

My post is already long but I want to share a story. One of my triggers was pancakes. My father was ridiculous with pancakes, I'll spare the details this time. My T suggested I overwrite that trigger with new, positive memories. So I made pancakes with my son. Taught him how, let him snack on the blueberries, and enjoyed seeing him have fun as best as I could. It took a couple times, but it did work. That Mother's Day he made me pancakes by himself. Now he does it regularly. And I smile when someone talks about pancakes, or even when I see Blueberry Pancakes on here. I hope you can have a similar experience with birthdays. Making a happy memory for our children can help us reparent our own inner children at the same time.

[Jolie40]

I have no family and feel like a birthday party would expose this.

with kid b'day parties, it's just kids (no family except parents)
so if you have a kid party, others will expect just kids, not extended family

around here, people have separate "family" b'days


we've only done the whole class party once - in Kindergarten
for younger kids, usually school has rules such as if invites are passed out at school, then whole class must be invited OR  all the boys, all the girls

[Drawing_boundaries]

Thank you so much Call Me Cordelia. You have given me great strategies for navigating this trigger... Already I am feeling better about creating new routines. My family is small in size but big in love and care. Sounds to me like you have created a wonderful life with your son. Big hugs and congratulations on scaling that emotional wall. I've been there and it is hard but so worth it.

It is interesting that you have both identified that no one has family around at parties - I had not even noticed this, which shows how much I was lost in my own fears. Now that I've had time to reflect, the fear stems from wanting to protect my child from our 'outsider-ness' with no family aside from each other. I need to reframe this way of thinking to being proud I provided her with a freedom to live her life without ever knowing the FOG.

Thank you ~