Preparing for weekend visit

[Lisa]

Hi 

I am posting today in preparation of a weekend visit with my Mom.  A quick synopsis.  I have not had a visit with her since Christmas (other than her randomly showing up at my house- see my last post) and have had limited contact with her during that time as well except for an increase recently in her texts which she is either trying to bait me into an argument or being overly sweet.

Last night I had a reoccurring nightmare about my family, so I'm guessing I feel quite nervous about the upcoming visit.

I am hoping for some suggestions on being medium chill/grey rock with her throughout the visit, I would like to feel emotionally detached (I usually feel like I have an emotional hangover for days after a visit).

Some of the things I foresee her saying are:
Why don't I see you more
Why won't you make time for me/ you need to make more time for me
Insinuating or flat out saying I have a problem with her
Trying to get into some sort of emotionally intense aka argument with her about our relationship
Telling me I must feel a certain way about something and not believing me when I say otherwise
Something about being my mother and her ageing
Something along the lines of not sharing enough of my life with her
Hugs that go on for longer than I am comfortable, often with nails dug into my arms (when I say ouch she laughs and keeps squeezing).  Holding my hand, placing her arm around my waist.
Asking to see me again within the next month before I move to another country

I am pretty nervous about how she might react about it being our last visit before I move out of country.  So how to handle the "goodbye" when a normal goodbye can literally take 20 minutes.

Yikes!  Help!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Oh, dear, Lisa.  This sounds pretty anxiety-provoking.

I've been off for a bit and didn't see your post.  I wonder if you just had your weekend together and, if so, how did it go?  I hope you're looking forward to your new home in another country.  It must be nice to think of being so far away from your mom!

I am no expert on MC and GR at all.  Hopefully someone else who has more knowledge will chime in here.

I'm not sure what I do is even "proper" MC/GR.  But I've had some success with it.  What I do is basically not get hooked into whatever uncomfortable or emotionally revved up bait they're putting out, and not give them any info about my life they might like to dig into.  It's a bit like some dodge game, just slipping the hooks.  Non-answer answers & responses.  "Oh"  or  "I don't want to get into all that, it's just X (some bottom-line thing which doesn't really reveal anything).  Sometimes I just smile and don't answer and let there be silence - like I'm just a dummy. 

At times I'll make an excuse to leave or break the tension by getting a drink, going to the restroom.  Sometimes I'll give a non-answer and without pausing (which would give them an opportunity to dig in)  I'll launch into another topic to shift things and maybe end my part with a question to them about the new topic.  I might say "I don't feel like talking about that right now."   I might get suddenly sleepy and need to recline and yawn.

I often find a distraction at the moment they're trying to pin me down and say: "Did you just hear that noise?" and then go off on it for awhile.  I'm not ADHD, but I probably give a good impersonation of one.    Or "Oh, hmmmm." followed by silence.      If they confront my elusive behavior I might say "Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way."  Or shrug my shoulders with a sympathetic look on my face like "oh, that's too bad you're unhappy."  If they're sharp, they might get the message "this is all you're getting" without my actually saying anything like that.

I guess the most important part for me is to remember . . . I don't owe them anything.  I don't owe them engagement, or answers to their demands for a satisfying conversation.  I don't owe them the kind of careful listening I would gladly give to any "safe" person.  I don't owe them the common courtesy and "niceness" I would show to someone who is not demanding, bullying, or abusive.  I can be pleasant.  I usually benefit from that.  But I can also cut things short whenever I feel done. 

Abusive people count on others'  "niceness" and good manners to get away with their bullying.  I was groomed to people please which made me the perfect victim.  I cowed to PD's demands.  It really helped when I finally realized . . . I owe them nothing.

[Boat Babe]

Really well said Looking 2 B free.

[athene1399]

I heard sometimes doing MC then changing the subject works. Kind of what  Looking 2 Be was saying.

Mom: why don't I see you more?
You: I've been busy. Man this weather is dreary. It's been raining so much...

Honestly I am not that good at it with my FOO. I am still trying to get better at it.

[Lisa]

Weekend visit has come and gone, I survived much better than I thought I would (less somatic responses during and after which is very different for me in a very good way!).  I think  having very limited contact over the past 8 months has helped me to tolerate her strange behaviours much more easily and I felt mostly emotionally disconnected which also helped.

We had our visit in a park and I realized how much better I felt being out in the open space rather than confined inside a house.  This also helped to keep emotions, displays of affection and tears etc to a minimum.

I think that my limited Narcassistic supply to her has meant she gets it more now from my siblings and noticed she spent the majority of time talking with them, at times keeping her back to me.  Of course this was mixed in with her deciding to interrupt conversations I was having with people by literally screaming my first and middle name at me... like a scolded child.  Odd off hand remarks out of no where like "oh this one" shaking her head and pointing at me.  When I responded "oh this one what" she would be silent.  Happened a few times.

Also found it interesting how my one sibling joined in with my Mom in making fun of my choice to wear a mask during our initial greeting hugs.  Oh how I wanted to tell them to grow up.

We have not all been together for close to a year and yet conversations were about the news, crime, the weather , I am realizing that our family story of how close we are is just that, a story.   The story shows up in many ways like insisting on family photos,  my Mom's insistence on physical affection, very long hugs and will not release when you try to pull away, linking arms to stand side by side, walking with her hand around our waists    talking about  How upsetting it is that I am moving so far away, how often will we see each other, why I am moving so quickly and how much that hurts them.  Acting like we have real authentic relationships and we aren't a family that just gets together on the holidays.  Even though I am starting to come out of that fog it still feels crazy making, perhaps that's part of some gaslighting?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so glad it went well, Lisa.  And that you could see things as they are.

My FOO's "We're close" fantasy unraveled a long time ago.  I honestly don't think any of them realized it was enmeshment and not closeness.  I guess I grew up thinking we were supposed to  be close but I was messing the whole thing up by being such a blight on the family . . . if only I hadn't been born, they would all be happy and close.  But really we all lived in our own private hell. 

Good luck on your move!  I hope you love your new home!

[athene1399]

I'm glad things went pretty well, Lisa. It sounds like some of it was enlightening for you (I'm not sure if that is the correct word), like it sounds like you were making connections and realizations in some ways.

[nanotech]

Lisa you wrote-

'I Also found it interesting how my one sibling joined in with my Mom in making fun of my choice to wear a mask during our initial greeting hugs.  Oh how I wanted to tell them to grow up.'

I've been mocked too, on my Covid precautions.
Also had the first and second name bandied at me as if I've been naughty!
I could go on.
Our family isn't close, but they pretend to be every few months or so. As I'm the only one speaking the truth, they rubbish my words as nonsensical.
The one that pops the bubble wears the scars.

[Hilltop]

Sounds like you handled things really well. The distance away sounds like it really helped you to not be so emotionally involved in all the antics.

I thought it was really interesting when she said "oh this one" and you replied with "oh this one what".  You called her out calmly and she had no response.  You left the negative with her.

You will soon move away, far away and this will be great for you.  You'll have space to heal without further damage being done.