Silent treatment (again)

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hey folks, nothing new here but I've been given the silent treatment all day and I'm just feeling so hurt and alone. All day long he has been ignoring me, refusing to answer questions, scowling and sulking. I confronted him and told him to stop giving me the silent treatment but that made it worse. He said hes depressed and can't help it. But he was still able to be friendly and chatty with the kids. It was specifically ME he was ignoring.

Just with the pandemic it makes it even harder. Being stuck at home where the only other adult doesn't speak to me.

I'm just venting here sorry. Just heartbroken and hurting and looking for support. The silent treatment is such an effective weapon of emotional torture. Although I try not to let it bother me, I am always wondering what have I done wrong, what can I do to break the silence... its torture.

I wish I could leave tomorrow. But I cant find anywhere for me and kids to rent. I'm not bringing them to a shelter. But I don't know how much more of PDHs behaviour I can take. This silent treatment, particularly during lockdown, is just unbearable.

[sad_dog_mommy]

I am sorry you are going through this.   The world is a crazy place right now and you should be able feel peaceful in your home. 

PDs know the silent treatment is a passive way to get more attention.   And they know we non-PDs hate the way it makes us feel.    They do not need a reason to start this game.   They do it for reassurance.  And validation.   And for the narcissistic supply they need to survive.       

What worked for me was to occupy my time and ignore him.   He WANTED me to keep asking what was wrong.   He WANTED me to keep engaging with him so he could stonewall me.    The more I interacted the longer his snit/game would last, 

Find a project in the house to keep yourself busy.    Clean out a closet.   Make pans of lasagna to freeze.   Do a puzzle with the kids.   Start listening to a podcast series.   Shift the focus away from his game.   

You are not alone.    ((( hug )))

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks. I have very young children, so my focus is on them. Yesterday I tried to keep them out of the house as much as I could, we went for walks and played up the garden. But we had to go back to the house eventually. It's cold here now. There is nowhere to go.

Back at the house, he would linger in the room where I was playing with the kids, sporadically interacting with them whilst maintaining his story silence towards me.

You're right it is totally attention seeking, narcissistic supply. Thanks for your support.

[SparkStillLit]

It is such a game. Updh would pull this. Speak to the dogs, lavish attention on them, speak to the teens, but pointedly ignore me. He would have made up the the cats if he could have, but the cat who favors me won't have a single thing to do with him.
I used to be bothered by this. Now I think it's a break from unwanted demands and ranting. I watch the shows I want, go where I want, do what I want, read uninterrupted. Of course, he does it a lot less now, because it doesn't have the desired effect.
I know it feels icky. It's a horrible game. If you can chat with friends or facetime/skype/video them, or chat responsibly with a neighbor, or SOMETHING, you can get some fulfillment that way and not need him for interaction. He can stew in his own nonsense.

[notrightinthehead]

CagedBird, the silent treatment needs to happen in your presence - how else would it punish you? And that is what it is often meant to do - punish you for some real or imangined slight. You need to know that you are being ignored, that you are nothing to him.
Now, as for you, the natural response is to give attention, talk about it, make up, heal the rift. With a PD that does not work. With a PD you have to steel yourself against your natural response and that is where the real hard work begins - you have to train yourself to respond in a way that protects your own emotional well being. You cannot allow yourself to swing with the emotions of your partner. Of course you can - quietly - rant and rave and wish your partner was different and hope he changes, again, this will not protect your emotional well being. What really helped me, was to emotionally distance myself completely, observe his behaviour as if I was watching a soap opera I am not particularly invested in, and focus on my own feelings and needs.

[GettingOOTF]

When I was married if my ex knew something bothered me that's the behavior he'd focus on. I learned to ignore his attempts to get to me. He's ramp them up a bit before moving on to try something else.

One of the best things I did was learning to control my behavior and feelings, Learning to separate how I felt from how he was behaving. Once I figured out that only I  controlled how I felt I was better able to ignore him.

As was pointed out he needs to be in your company to ignore you. If he simply wasn't interested in you he'd go off to another room. This behavior is deliberate. I'd find a way to grey rock it, to stop giving him the opportunity to hurt you.

Of course this behavior is incredibly hurtful and very abusive, but as you cannot leave the beat approach is to find a way to live with it. I remember well how I would follow my ex around begging for scraps of his attention.  I remember how awful I felt and so desperately trying to say or do that one thing that would get him to be who I wanted and needed to be. The thing is that that one thing doesn't exist. He is who he is.

I was reading something about addition where they said that an alcoholic only reaches the emotional maturity of the age they were when they started drinking. I feel like it's the same with PDs. A lot of the behavior is incredibly childish. Silent treatment is a tool children use because they don't have the skills and emotional maturity to talk about what's bothering them.

It may not feel like it but in this situation you have the power and control. You are going about your life and he's dedicating himself to upsetting you. Only you can allow him to do this. Take back your power by setting boundaries and refusing to engage.

[1footouttadefog]

This is a difficult time when disengaging emotionally really helps.

When yiu decide you can live with his silence because it cannot hurt you and you are in charge of your feelings and how you feel. When you empower yourself to have a great day even though he is not spending it with you and in contact with you. 

You can at the same time have a great day and honor his choice to be silent.  You are separate from him with separate capacity to make adult choices.

That being said, all I have to do is start listening to podcasts, books on tape or music then plan a movie with the kids and mine cannot resist interrupting and inserting himself into what I am paying attention to.

I imagine at times I would like some prolonged silent treatment.  Its been a long time around here.

[losingmyself]

I would just like to say yes to all this good advice. I wish I would have had this advice so long ago. When you start ignoring the st, it feels awkward and uncomfortable, but soon becomes habit, and suddenly, since it no longer has the intended effect, you will see it much less often.
If he's engaging with only the kids, then you can have a little 'you' time. Or, as advised, play a game with the kids.
Just let him see that you're just as happy speaking to him as not. It's his thing, not yours.
Onefoot said something it took me a long time to figure out, that his silence can't hurt you. You're in charge of your feelings.
I also don't mind the ST sometimes, although it hardly ever happens anymore.  AAhhh...quiet...

[SonofThunder]

I utilize the over the ear Bose noise canceling headphones with Bluetooth.  When I'm getting the ST's, I put in my headphones and activate noise cancelling.  We here at Out of the FOG,  no well that silent treatment isn't silent, such as a spouse talking to others except us or making backhanded soft comments/verbal gestures, or visible ignoring. 

Well the Bose headphones are my go-to  'boundary' and when I activate noise canceling, I am the one who is choosing silence (effective boundary) for myself so I can hear nothing or hear whatever I desire to hear (music, audiobook, white noise or nature sounds, podcast or whatever).  It has been very effective at neutralizing the ST's and even in the same room as the PD.  $300 WELL spent.   I listen to the headphones a lot when not being manipulated, so it's not out of the ordinary for me to have them on frequently, so therefore no different if ST's are being attempted, but again, they will invalidate attempted silent treatment in a heartbeat. 

SoT

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks everyone for replying. People who said I should ignore the st, you are right. I shouldn't let it get to me.

But the things is... I am leaving.
I am in my mid 30s. I have my whole life ahead of (or a good chunk of it anyway). I am not putting up with this *!*!

For many years I have tried to turn a blind eye, not to let his abuse impact on me.
But right now I need to see everything clearly. I am feeling very very angry. I need this anger. It will be the driving force in finally leaving him.

So I am not interested in coping strategies. I am leaving as soon as I can find a place for me and kids to rent. So I need to see how appalling his behaviour is. I need to feel how much his st hurts me. I am Out of the FOG now. I will not allow my children to grow up in an abusive home. I have had ENOUGH.

[Boat Babe]

Caged Bird Singing.  Sounds like soon you won't be caged. We are all rooting for you.

I think that once you know you are going your emotional responses change. You have started to come Out of the FOG. This is good news for you. It may also  subtly change your behaviour so be prepared for either love bombing or escalation of abuse.

Sending much love and courage.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks boat babe, I appreciate that. I am on high alert for either escalation or sickening love bombing. I realise I should have posted this on the divorcing page rather than chosen relationships.
Yes, emotionally I am gone already. At this point it is just about figuring out the practicalities.