Misdirected Loyalty - input welcome

[D.]

I am trying to work through and understand my misdirected loyalty towards my parents.  In summary, I am aware of my parent's mental/emotional/physical neglect and abuse towards me.  However, it wasn't "extreme" and they can be pretty kind, fun and engaging at times.  It's inconsistent.  I moved a little closer in the hopes of possibly improving our realtionship.  It helped w/my sibling, but I am finding that perhaps the distance was an excuse w/my parents to see them less.  The last couple of interactions have been pretty unpleasant, both in person and by telephone.  Any thoughts? input? experiences of working through misdirected loyalty? 

[Andeza]

The loyalty you speak of is a hallmark of the fog. It is excellent that you recognize the neglect and abuse as what it was, but I encourage you to look at it through a slightly different lens. No amount of abuse is okay. Extreme or not doesn't really apply when none is acceptable. Additionally, there is no need to minimize your experience. We've all suffered to varying degrees around here and we get it. 

The loyalty system is built around the idea of keeping the dysfunction a big secret. In light of that it was probably hard for you to post about it at all. Anything that exposes the dirty little family secret is unacceptable to origin of the dysfunction. In this case, most likely one or two disordered parents.

It is important to understand that the biggest thing disordered individuals hate is losing access to their favorite target. That might be you in this case but it will probably take more reflection to decide.

[athene1399]

Some of it could be social norms. Like every has this idea that you should be close with your parents no matter what. My parents make me feel crappy if I open up to them, so I don't have a close relationship with them. A lot of people don't get that. And everywhere we hear or see on tv that you are supposed to be close to them so sometimes it starts this war within you, like "Am I the one being unreasonable? Maybe the abuse wasn't that bad"... I have had this argument with myself a lot. Plus there's a lot of conflicting feeling there. These people were supposed to love and care for me yet did these awful,  mean things. It's a lot to come to terms with. I used to blame myself for how they treated me, but now I realize they should have known better or acted better and just didn't. But I always find myself making excuses for them too. Sometimes I think I am being to hard on them and other times I never want to speak to them again.

[Hepatica]

Hi C,

It's a good question esp. for those of us who have families who can be fun and helpful and charming. I have a family like that, but when I look back with complete honesty, the fun, charm had an underside as well. Behind closed doors there was yelling, hitting, denigrating cruelty, and at times genuine mayhem. Masks could be taken on and off at whim by my parents and sister. Most of the time they put their charming masks on in public and few people have seen how cruel they can be in private. This makes it very confusing.

I think there might be a lot of truth to something that I've read that says every unpleasant interaction we have with toxic people adds up over time esp. as we become more educated about the red flags of personality disorders. This can eventually override our loyalty but it is probably a process that comes with lots of work on our part to become well educated.

Read all you can about personality disorders and see if your FOO fits the patterns.

Edited to Add: I just read a few of your opening posts and I want to say that I never thought about my FOO being PD'd until I had a PD horrible experience in my late 30's with someone outside the family. I went to therapy because of it. I was so shattered and the therapist said once, "who does this person remind you of?" I realized that he reminded me exactly of my father. And then as I read more about PD I realized that my father fits so many of the red flags of NPD and those who lack conscience - as this abuser in my thirties had also.

[D.]

Thank you for responding everyone.  All of your words are both encouraging and insightful.  I feel like I took a step on a path towards greater understanding/healing and people have reached out to help show me the way.  I can feel the healing happen as I read, re-read and write.  There are some really great insights here that I hope to explore further so I'm going to respond to each:

Andeza -  FOG definitely fits my reality, and the Narcissistic family patterns.  The secrecy.  Thank you for reminding me that any abuse is inappropriate.  This also validated my most recent experience where I got a lot of negativity and passive aggression around a reasonable boundary I set.  Now I just plan to patiently and persistently go forward with my reflection and healing.

Athena - I agree social norms definitely play a part.  I will explore that idea.  And you definitely called it w/the vacillation between never wanting to speak and thinking I might be too hard on them.  Thankfully my husband, brother, therapists, and a couple of friends now validate my experiences so I know there've been bad moments, not my imagination.  As for closeness - I know that we aren't close and am usually careful about what I share w/who,  However, I think w/my mom I sometimes slip into enjoying supportive moments, expecting them, and then feeling confused when they stop or turn passive-aggressive (abusive).

Hepatica - I am appreciating the pointing towards educating myself about PD's.  I started to do so in the past, but am going to finish up my analysis.  I wonder if a couple can be a disorder?  I am not sure either parent really fits to be honest, which is part of my confusion.  I've read, re-read the traits for NPD, BPD, etc., plus talked w/my therapist.  He comments that my father behaves as a "tyrant" and my mother has issues w/object permanence and mirroring as opposed to empathy.  But the abusive/neglectful patterns happened in the past and would continue now if I allow them to, which I won't.  Interestingly, as I set boundaries, they withdraw.  And thankfully, though it saddens me some, mostly I often feel relief from their withdrawal.  Just the act of setting the boundary and observing their reaction validates the truth.

Edit:  I just read through the topic of Personality Disorders.  I have been out of touch w/the psychology field for about 8 years.  I used to work in the human services field plus did a lot of reading, like about BPD or NPD.  But, I feel like there is a lot of new information for me to review and analyze.  I am encouraged by the updated information and look forward to learning through this site.  I suspect my parents do suffer from disorders and I just need to be patient w/my process to figure things out, and ultimately understand how I can best cope.  After reflecting today my current strategy will be to simply pray and meditate for everyone's healing and spirituality, and then to only have contact as I truly and sincerely desire, w/no guilt attached to having limited or no contact w/my parents.