Baiting?

[ToAudrey]

So I've been doing my best to be medium chill at home as I'm stuck there with nPDH (pandemic plus I am sole earner and can barely afford one household let alone to set him up with one).

Since I am WFH I do that during the day (and night a lot) while nPDH is to handle the house and DS doing school. DS just started school this year and has a hard time keeping to task.

Today I heard a fair bit of yelling and I also had a difficult time to get DS to finish school work. nPDH just keeps taking away things not related to what is going on. Now says 20 days no iPAD etc.

Did get DS to finish work and then wanted to play outside. nPDH then starts on me that I need to "Talk more" and he can't do this and we need to do this together. I need to talk to him more. I don't ignore him. I answer when spoken to, I joke, I help out and do most of the housework. He regularly gets on his phone to talk to other people for anywhere from 3 to 8 hours at a stretch. So just where I am supposed to "talk more" is unknown.

Also, today he left the stove on twice, started coffee without the water, and there was a list of 3 things DS needed to do during an independent work time for school. uPDH stressed out that there was "so much" and no way to remember all that.

I felt like he was baiting me to argue with him about "talking more". Through all this I've learned a lot about my codependent tendencies and also interacting with PD. So I don't argue anymore.

Does it seem that it was baiting? Perhaps feeling insecure because of the little things today with the stove/coffee and the bigger stresses of DS?

Guess I'm asking is if it is a common behavior to try and start something with you if they have made mistakes (even small) recently and want to put thing on someone else?

[SparkStillLit]

Well...I sure didn't start anything with anyone.
When I was leaving the gas on and getting out of vehicles that were still engaged and things like that, it scared the HELL out of me, and was a sign of extremely low function because of severe depression. I can't speak for PDH of course. I know my updh can never make mistakes, it's always the fault of someone/something else, and he considers any little thing gone amiss to be an epic failure and reason for huge emotional storm. I never know his reasons for starting shit, but I GTFO (if you'll excuse me) in a red hot hurry when he does.

[ToAudrey]

Good point Spark that the absent minded items could be depression or similar. The whole time knowing him it has not been uncommon for absent minded things but it seemed today like more noticeable. The 3 things for DS school is common. He starts to get flustered and upset if there is more than one task to do in a day. Like, say you need to go to the post office and also go grab groceries. That would be too much and he'd comment on there being just SO MUCH and having just too much to get done. When he does help out around the house it is one thing a day. So that could be where some of that comes from. So many PD behaviors as well so I image as like anyone else a mix of things going on.

Got back on the phone again and is chatting away so still not sure when I am to do this "talk more" I was told to do. Doesn't even say goodnight to DS.

There is this facial expression with tone of voice and hand tenting that happens that I can only describe as "you are not acting or being the way I want you to and you need to comply NOW". Hadn't seen that in a while as I've been MC and not trying to argue and defend myself as I once did. The "and you need to talk more" was just almost to that expression/tone. Before I'd fear that expression/tone and explain myself over and over trying to find the right way to say the right thing and be understood. Each time what I said twisted a bit differently and myself feeling smaller and stupider like I can't convey basic thoughts in my head.

It felt like being baited so he could blow up at me. Not sure if the absentminded things and/or the struggles with DS today would be a reason for that but just was trying to figure out why today?

[SparkStillLit]

Yeah....So updh is generally pretty "low functioning". I REALLY don't know how much of that is a depressive state and how much is PD. He can't or won't handle multiple tasks, at least not ones for other than him, and is easily overwhelmed just as you describe. Same with going to shops and the like, even if for himself, very forgetful even with lists. Extremely forgetful in the home. Completely unreliable. I have taken to only communicating mission critical things, and many/most of those in text or email so that there can be no "you never told me" blah blah whatever. This includes DS school stuff. Updh is unemployed at home, DS is a fairly self sufficient high schooler, but there still needs to be some mild supervision and some items attended to. He can do that. He's home. He can get off his ass. Sorry, but he can.
I just won't respond to baiting, and he does bait. My T and I have identified some stuff that is baiting, and what to do. He switches up, too.
Exhausting.

[ToAudrey]

Similar here. Does not work (was a family choice when DS was born instead of daycare as his work was drama anyways) but once I started WFH with the pandemic is it permanent vacation mode. Some days some things happen and many nothing does (except for buying collectibles and talking on the phone...time for that). I like to think I have low expectations. As he was a SAHD I tried my best to be grateful and recognize the work of just child care that so often can be ignored by the working parent. DS is really little and needs a lot of supervision to focus. I can't trust when H is going to be in there and paying attention and when DS is going to be late to be on camera because dad "forgot the time" again. He can remember the time a collectible is going on sale on a website sure enough. Nothing I am doing is magic or some big dramatic amount of stuff and I'm not even expecting a high percentage of same amount of effort (I mean if there is depression in the mix I can see not having quite enough energy to get a ton done...my issues manifest in trying to do a large number of things but know that isn't everyone and it doesn't have to be if that makes sense).

It is hard to not take the bait. I already give too much information about how and what I am doing which comes back in subtle ways. Perhaps I am doing better than I though with MC and that is me "not talking" enough. Not enough to go on to get me to beg and plead to be understood.

The more I ponder it the more I know I talk plenty. I am free with information about how DS and I are doing activities, fun or interesting things he has said or done, accomplishments made, tasks completed, etc. I make an effort to back up things H has said to DS like dada explain why no tablet let's think about a stronger choice, etc. I know his statement is untrue.

The one thing I am not doing is being so aggressive with DS and trying to work with him to learn better behaviors rather just pepper him constantly with taking unrelated things away from him with no guidance how make a different choice. Guess that is my not "doing this together" as that is correct that I'm not participating in that. But I'm not admonishing him for his tactics in front of DS nor contradicting him. When DS is it present I do sometimes mention how I approach certain situations. In a factual way like when X happens I have been doing Y and here is what I've seen happen.

[SparkStillLit]

I think no talking is bait. It is here. I have said what H does when I do talk, in other threads. It's ridiculous.
When the children were little, parenting was different, also. H liked to blow up at the differences. He was also very punitive, same as with me.
Looking back, it was often just reasons to blow up, because he felt like he couldn't "get it right". Or be right. Or he was being resisted or gone against and didn't like it.