Inviting Guests

[tragedy or hope]

Does your pd (my unpdh) invite people as house guests without telling/asking you first?
We moved to a very nice place, out of the old state we lived in for 35 years. he had his friends I had mine. few were couples friends. in his phone all his friends are listed by husband and wifes name. (so he doesn't forget her name he says.)

Hes on the phone a lot when I am not home. He cannot stand to be alone with his thoughts. He calls these people from out of state. Also his extended family, always when I am not home.

This morning over coffee, he tells me, well we will have two couples who will be coming to visit us soon. The ____ and the _____. I freak out. This is the first I've heard of the one. The other, I have not spoken to the wife in about 20 years. He thinks. it 's great.

I got the silent walk away treatment because I asked what are you doing inviting people without talking to me first!! AND then reminded him of how old I am and that I am tired. I do not want to play host to anyone anymore.

This is a direct result of him thinking I am his appendage and not my own person. This also explains why he is so encouraging when I want to decorate things around the house. Hes all about the impressions. He knows we have a lovely home and nothing would please him more than to show others his "success."

He is also very endearing when it comes to the spouses. He treats them like sisters. Any woman on this site knows we choose our friends. They are not dumped on us... well unless you have a unpdh spouse. He is not friends with the wives...(yet). His whole MO is to get friendly with the couple. If he can endear both of them, I will really be the odd person in the group.

It is not about me. He really thinks he is so special people need to come see him. He complains at me about not having couples friends, but he is miserable for me to be with when they are here, and after. He is the center of attention and every word or deed is to meet their need. It isn't that he does not help, but he hellps because it makes him look like he cares and he does not want to make me mad.That would reflect on him badly.

I have grandchildren who come during the summer. I have had family visit from both sides. I am not interested in the stress of having perfect strangers (the one couple) in my home.

At present, he is giving me the cold shoulder because he does not want to discuss what he did. HE DOES NOT CARE. He is desperate for his narcissistic feed and will stop at nothing to get it.

This explains so much about how he has been telling me he cares for me so much. Of course I knew something was coming. How absolutely rude and careless to do this without conversation with me.

One of the couples has a camper, which they can stay in though I have an extra bedroom. The other... will have to get a hotel. I can't imagine the grief that is in store for me. And the holidays are coming!

[Penny Lane]

I know it's hard but I'm glad you set boundaries about whether they can come into your home! Inviting people into your house is, IMO, a huge trampling of boundaries and I would be very stressed about it too.

[tragedy or hope]

Penny Lane,
They are here now in our guest bedroom. The familiar couple. They just "showed up" yesterday with a phone call that they are in town. unpdh is as tickled as he can be. In his mind they have come to see HIM.

Not only are they here, but he invited them to stay at least until tomorrow. He has to impress the husband with his bible study leading skills so he invited him to his group tomorrow morning.

He will never care about what I think or feel. He treasures this stuff. Thankfully, I do know his wife, but she seems to have little say in this. I can't believe unpdh did not know they would be here.

I am tired... I do care about the people, but this is beyond anything I have experienced. They have a camper and also brought 2 big dogs who slept in the cab of the truck. I am not really spoken to by my updh if other people are here as guests. It's 24/7 make them happy. He barely says good morning. There is little communication because he does not want his time ruined with reality while they are here.

The saga continues.  Diabolical.

[blacksheep7]

Penny Lane,
They are here now in our guest bedroom. The familiar couple. They just "showed up" yesterday with a phone call that they are in town. unpdh is as tickled as he can be. In his mind they have come to see HIM.

Not only are they here, but he invited them to stay at least until tomorrow. He has to impress the husband with his bible study leading skills so he invited him to his group tomorrow morning.

He will never care about what I think or feel. He treasures this stuff. Thankfully, I do know his wife, but she seems to have little say in this. I can't believe unpdh did not know they would be here.

I am tired... I do care about the people, but this is beyond anything I have experienced. They have a camper and also brought 2 big dogs who slept in the cab of the truck. I am not really spoken to by my updh if other people are here as guests. It's 24/7 make them happy. He barely says good morning. There is little communication because he does not want his time ruined with reality while they are here.

The saga continues.  Diabolical.

Omgosh.  I read all these posts about people getting together with Covid still being strong.   Why is that?  It should be a good enough reason for people/family to stay home.   My honest opinion.

No way should dh invite people without speaking to you first!  I understand your frustration.

[blunk]

Tragedy or Hope, I can definitely relate, and I also agree with  blacksheep that this is made that much worse that this occurred while we are still in the midst of a pandemic.

My bpdxh had a friend who lived out of state, but would come to work a particular festival each year. The guy was beyond obnoxious, and I often thought he was OCPD, but I am not sure. The first time he came he did some yard work in trade for letting him stay.

It was like he took over the house. Meals had to be when and what he wanted, xh would cater to this because he was a "guest". He smoked pot...IN THE HOUSE against my wishes. Which really made me angry, because I work in a job where I am subject to random drug testing and told him this. Between the fact that he spoke very loudly, and the general change of routine, it freaked out all of the dogs. I was on edge for the whole time he was there, I made this very clear to xh after the visit.

Anyway, xh actually did ask if the guy could stay with us again on 2 or 3 more occasions, but after the first time I said no absolutely not. He would laugh like I just told a joke, and invite the guy despite my answer. Absolutely infuriating!