How to process this?

[losingmyself]

I was talking to DD yesterday, and she said something that completely threw me off.. She told me a story of a friend of hers whose mother stood up for her, and yelled at her cheating boyfriend to get the hell out.  Then she said "I told her that that's exactly what you would have done!" Like, Don't mess with my baby!!
I felt a little like a person getting credit for something they never did. I have always felt that I never protected my kids from the threat living right in our house. And that's the thing that I will never forgive myself for.
Could she actually feel that way about me? That I stood up for her, protected her?
I don't know how to feel about that statement.
I feel like if I believe it, eventually her eyes will open and she'll figure out that I in fact didn't protect her, I could have kicked him out.
Or is this a path to forgiving myself? It feels fraudulent.
I almost told her how I didn't deserve that praise, but I didn't.

[notrightinthehead]

Seems like your DD sees you differently than you see yourself. Maybe you could allow yourself to feel good about how she sees you.

[losingmyself]

Yeah, I think maybe most people see me differently than I see myself. Good or bad.
Kris Godinez always talks about mirror work, where you say nice things to yourself every day. I try, but when I look in the mirror, I have nothing to say.
I do feel good about our relationship now, I just don't feel good about the past. But I will take it for the compliment it is, and move forward!

[Pinkos]

What if you express what you said here to her? That you felt like you could've done more to protect her and you regret it? It may be cathartic for you to air those feelings and see how she responds. And it may bring you closer.

[losingmyself]

Pinkos, thanks, I might try that, although it would take courage for me to do.
But like notright said, maybe she sees it and me differently, and I'll be surprised by her reaction.
And, maybe it's a step toward healing myself and quieting my inner critic

[WinterStar]

losingmyself,

It would mean the world to me if my mom could "get it" now. I would love to hear, "I'm sorry. I know you got hurt, and I wish I had left." instead of "It was so hard for me. Your father hurt me. I couldn't do anything about it." My mother can't or won't see me, acknowledge my pain or admit she could have made different choices. Instead she wants me to comfort her because she was abused and wants me to reassure her that she's been a great mom.

What you are doing in facing how your daughter was affected, is hard. It's so hard that some people don't do it and just cause more damage. You're in a position to help your daughter to heal, and that's huge. All parents make mistakes, but the good ones are the ones who acknowledge those mistakes, apologize and try to do better.