Hi. I’m New

[Smokey58]

Hi everyone. I'm glad to find this support. This is my first time seeking support for having a love one with possible BPD. I say possible because my grandson refuses to seek help or consider that he may have BPD. I've suffered for years trying to have a healthy relationship with him and several of my own therapists said that he appears to have BPD. In doing my own research he fits the criteria. I've come in and out of denial, especially since he's never been officially diagnosed. But whether he has BPD or not I am still at a place once again where I feel drained, depressed and at the end of my rope, like all the life has been drained from me. I've had to step back off and on over the years because of his abuse and each time he becomes enraged, accuses me and discounts any sacrifices I may have made. During the times we're apart I become strong, motivated and at peace. Then I let him in my life again, thinking "this time it's going to be different." His father was my only child and he took his life 27 years ago. So I've tried to hold on to my grandson because I love him dearly and he reminds me that I'm all he has left of his father. There were happy times and beautiful memories. But eventually the drama, the disrespect for my boundaries and the abuse starts again. I've just turned 65 and my grandson will be 30 soon. I'm starting to accept that it's never going to be different. It's never enough. I feel like I'm breaking a major rule to go no contact with my only grandson. What sort of grandma does that?  But my choices seem to be to eventually lose my own physical and mental health. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of another child. But I remember the words my son wrote me in his last letter to me, "Mom, whatever you do, don't lose yourself." I feel like he is saying to me that it's ok to let go. I'm hoping that I will find the support and the strength here to do so.

[guitarman]

Welcome Smokey58. You are not alone.

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. You must feel like grieving all over again for a grandson that you need to distance yourself from in order to protect yourself from any more harm. It's all so sad when all you want to do is help him but he can't see that as he is emotionally blind to anyone else's problems and how his behaviour impacts other people.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I now call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. I don't want any more contact with her. I care but can't cope.

There comes a time when you have to calmly put your own physical and mental health needs first. It's OK to do that. No matter how much you love and care for someone you can't change their behaviour. You can only change and control your own behaviour. It's a tough lesson to learn. I know about that. We have to set down firm boundaries and stick to them. We have to put our own needs first. It's OK to do that. It's not selfish, it's survival. You do not need to tolerate any more abuse.

My sister has alienated everyone in our family by her behaviour. That includes our elderly parents. Fear, obligation and guilt have been with me for decades. I am living with anticipatory dread and hypervigilance all the time in case she visits me or just calls.

I have learned not to do "idiot compassion" any more where I am the idiot. It is a Buddhist term.

There is support here from people going through similar but different situations as yourself. You really aren't alone. Other people don't understand if they've not experienced something similar themselves. We all help and support each other through some very difficult times.

You can check out the "Toolbox" section to find out how to look after yourself better. I also post regularly in the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum. I have posted about YouTube resources on narcissistic abuse which you may find of help to you. The more we learn about personality disorders the more we are able to help ourselves.

Abuse thrives in the darkness. We all need to shine a light on it wherever it occurs.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

[Smokey58]

Guitarman  thank you from the bottom of my heart. Reading your post gave me such hope and makes me feel like I'm not crazy. It's been a rough day. Thank you for the resources. I will use them. I realize how much healing and recovery I need. I'm coming out of denial not just about my grandson but about my family of origin and it's so painful. But I will make it. I choose to survive. Thanks brother.