Attending a funeral and listening to stories of the happy family

[Blueberry Pancakes]

How do you attend a funeral for a family friend who had one large happy Irish Catholic family who were all so close? Is such a thing even real?  How do you smile and nod through it?   

One of my mother's friends from my childhood died unexpectedly last week and I attended the small memorial service at the church. The priest asked each one of the adult kids and their families to stand in the audience as he announced each one by name. The tribute to this woman mostly included what a great mom and grandmother she was and she must have been a great human being to have reared such a large, close and fabulous family. He went on and on about family and kindness.   
     
One of the daughters said a tribute mentioning how their mother modeled a close family by being so close to her own brother and sister. My heart sank as I have not spoken to my one and only sibling in over two years. Her daughter also mentioned how they would go on "girl weekends" shopping while the boys would go fishing.  Efforts I attempted to get my sister and her daughters to just have lunch with our mother always ended with fighting about how busy my sister was, how much her daughters needed to attend soccer practice, or how her kids had some other commitment. My mother and I did take one weekend a few years ago just the two of us, but the big family weekend never happened.     
   
What came through in this service to me was the notion that our value in this world is based on how good things are within our family. If you are the parent, you better have a close family or you failed. I see how society puts pressure on all of us. I knew I had to put my armor on prior to attending, and planned to grey rock my way though it. I kept telling myself that if you a family like that, it is great. If not, that is okay too. Our value is more than that. 
 

[Hepatica]

I can so understand. That must have been hard. I know it would have got to me in a big way. I've felt for nearly my whole life like the Matchbook Girl, that feeling of always being on the outside, cold and neglected and looking in the warm, lit windows of other people's worlds.  There is a definite unfairness to what we've experienced, coming from families with disorder, that defies meaning and recognition, and that can take me to a very dark place of grief and loss. We have lost so much and we carry that loss silently for the most part.

The only thing I can think of is to try to create that feeling of warmth and joy and communion as much as possible now with new people. I hope to begin to build a warm family of choice. I am really hoping rebuilding is possible as I heal.

Funerals and weddings and holidays (ugh) really bring this raw wounding to light for me. I am sorry you are in this space but glad you are sharing your feelings. It's good to have a space to share this kind of mostly unacknowledged loss.

[Sneezy]

I attended a funeral about a year ago, where the minister actually acknowledged that the deceased was not perfect and had caused some family strife with his actions (infidelity, a late in life divorce, some tension between his kids and his second wife). The minister went on to say that no one is perfect and we all do things that we should be proud of and things that maybe we should have handled differently. He then talked about  some of the good things this man had done, despite his imperfections.  I really liked this message, and I suspect it is much closer to the truth than most eulogies you hear.

[Amadahy]

Hi blueberry pancakes,
You are wise to affirm your worth and the worth of others irrespective of their family health.  I don't know that I would have made that connection as quickly as you, if at all.  Good inner work!
xo Amadahy

[Free2Bme]

Blueberry~

This sort of thing is hugely difficult for me.  Mixed feelings of loss that I haven't had that experience in my FOO, and fears that I will  end up feeling like a failure in this area when my children are all grown.  I think if I were in your shoes, I would have ended up crying in the ladies room. 

Hopefully, in this case this truly was a loving family and the mother/grandmother was a great human being.  However, I've learned that families can project a common narrative that is not necessarily accurate.

My ex-in law's are a huge Irish-Catholic family as well , with PD MIL the queen matriarch and systemic dysfunction throughout.  In my 20 years in this family, I observed that they defined themselves as "close".  However, I never witnessed any real connection between any of its members.  It was like they associated being in the same geographic location, for the same event, and having photographic evidence of the event = closeness.  What I saw was superficiality, competition, one-upmanship, chidding, and no one was safe to share feelings with any other member. 

The best recourse for those of us enduring this loss is to rebuild with people capable of reciprocal relationships, and of course offering support in places like this.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks Hepatica, Sneezy, Amadahy and Free2. It is just so good to have others who understand.   

[Lillith65]

Based on my experience of my Father's funeral - UNPD, physically and emotionally abusive, lying and cheating - I would suggest that you won't hear anything but eulogising and portraying the deceased as a saint at most funerals. I also remember hearing other members of the family talking about what a great Dad he was and how he always put us first. These were people who knew how he behaved and they were still able to say those things with a straight face.

I can acknowledge the nice things that he did and the good times that we had, but I also know how he could and did behave towards us and my mother (also UPD and abusive).

[nanotech]

Blueberry Pancakes, your words;

"What came through in this service to me was the notion that our value in this world is based on how good things are within our family. "

Wow yes.
This is why so many of us remain in the FOG for so long. We cover our eyes and ears and hearts to the truth.
Denial hands us a present of 'worth'.
If we just all pretend to the outside world, if we play the role of close family, then we have value.
It also explains why my family are so angry with me, now that I've stopped pretending.
I  mno longer turn up for those appalling family dinners which always included lots of hugging in public! 
Followed of course, by ghosting, dirty looks, nasty passive aggressive remarks, shaming stories, etc.
Hugs at the end!
I used to get very stressed before these meals took place.
When they were at my dad's house, me and husband used to make all the food and take it to them. It took me years to realise that I was actually physically nurturing my abusers. Messed up, huh?
Then following the meal there'd again be no  real life contact, unless it was triangulation, flying monkey stuff or some sort of boasting exercise.
I'm NC with sibs. VVLC with dad at moment.
Nobody misses ME, they just miss the protective charade of the 'ideal family.'

And it is just a 'notion'. 
They feed it because it suits them. They stay in denial because it suits their narrative.
The abuse takes so long to see, because we get addicted to the treatment. It's dressed up in a big red bow of 'family love'.
We feel the wrongness of it, we sense it, but we put blinkers on because of the strong pressure to deny.

[Leonor]

Hi Blueberry,

Chalk me up as a member of one of those big happy Irish Catholic families with big weddings and big funerals and it was all a load of baloney.   

I'm sure if I were to pass away and my foo were to find out about it they would get a big headstone made out of Irish china that reads, "Here lies Leonor, our lost daughter of the recovered memories."