Here we go again... escalation

[relika]

Things have escalated between my BIL's wife and me, again. Everything was tolerable for the past 1.5 years or so. It alternated between acting cold and distant to chatting to me as if nothing ever happened. The friendly act was followed by her needing or wanting something from me.

My BiL married her a year ago. I remember she said to me on their wedding day: "I hope we can stay friends this way". I replied with "I hope so, too", but thought to myself 'let us see how long it lasts until you decide otherwise again'. She even bought me a magazine subscription for 'people she held close to her heart'. It all feels like part of her act now.

Fast forward to the present time. Our two oldest kids are in the same class at school, so we see each other daily. She started acting cold and distant again. As in not greeting me, or greeting me while looking at me with her cold look. Walking past me on the way home without acknowledging our presence. A couple of weeks ago my son was very proud of his new shoes and when he saw my SiL and his cousin at the schoolyard he was so excited to show the shoes to them. The only thing she said to him was: "They will get dirty in no time".
 
I set a boundary some time ago to keep my sanity while dealing with her. I think it is called medium chill here. I will greet her like I would everyone else, but for my well-being, I won't engage in any conversation with her, unless she initiates it. (This is never)
I don't absorb her negative energy this way.
This was a bit of trial and error. Some of my actions that have been caused by my anxiety around her and not knowing what to do or how to react at that moment, could be interpreted as avoidance. E.g. keep walking when they walked 100 metres behind us. But by far it hasn't been a constant like she does.

This past weekend she spoke to my husband when he was working outside. I haven't heard the conversation, but I believe every word my husband said. She was talking with a trembling voice, very anxious and holding in her rage. Here goes:
- She started by saying we are not invited to her birthday party this week. She only wants to invite close relatives. (which we also are, but who's counting?).
- She is dreading to go to school each day because she will see me there. I ignore her, blablabla. She even mentioned something that happened before COVID19, which I completely forgot. This results in her wanting to find a different school for her son. She doesn't want the children to be the victim of this. 
- She accused my husband of having changed since he met me. I want to add that she didn't know my husband before he met me. Same old accusation, a different person this time.
- She accused him of being more relaxed when having a day off as opposed to a working day. As in having more time to talk to her. "Other people" had noticed as well. 
- She figured talking to me wouldn't make any difference, and she wouldn't be putting any more effort into fixing our relationship. Which she apparently has tried on 'several occasions'.
- She accused me of being around my kids all the time and keeping them from her. I'm a stay at home mom, I chose this. 
- When my husband mentioned this was our choice, that we chose to have only one income and have a modest lifestyle, she said something very mean. "It's not as if you need to live modestly, you've got plenty of money". She refers to my inheritance after my parents' death. I once said to her years ago that the most hurtful comment from a friend I received was exactly that. I would rather have my parents back than all the money in the world.
- That night, she left a Whatsapp group I created for my IL's, my BiL and his family, and ours.
 
We haven't had a chance to speak to BiL yet, as we wonder what his view on the situation is. 

I feel confused. Her words don't match with her intentions. She shifts the blame on me. Am I the wrong one here?
Is this something PD-individuals do? Initiating leaving a relationship? What is their goal? I cannot see it at the moment.

Sorry for my long story. Not sure if I have included everything.

[Starboard Song]

Yeah, that's a thing.

A pattern I've seen IRL and here is that people start trimming their relationship with PD person. Don't talk politics. Stop talking about food choices. Stop discussing hobbies. Stop discussing home investment decisions. The relationship gets thinner and thinner as we trim away that which causes angst.

The PD person notices this, and it frustrates them. The pattern I've seen is that at some point a PD person declares that YOU clearly don't like them and THEY have had enough, so they are not going to be around YOU anymore. An instance of this began a crisis in my family from which we were not able to recover, and we haven't had a relationship with my in-laws in 5 years, since my DS was 12.

But it isn't impossible to recover, and it may very well be worth it. Engagement with strong boundaries is easier than NC, especially with a person where true NC isn't possible: clearly you two live and work all very close to one another. NC can be  hard road indeed in that situation.

Be good. Be strong.

[Hilltop]

Hmm talking to your husband about you, what a smear campaign did she think he would put your in your place, telling you that you are not invited to the party, what some drama, she's going out of her way to hurt you. 

Really if she had a problem with you she could have spoken to you personally about it, she is trying to create drama, trying to get you to respond, bite, react.

I would not talk to your BIL about it.  All the things she mentions are things she will have to change or deal with herself.  If she is so upset on certain days she will have to deal with her emotions, no one can do that for her.  So what if she left the whatapp group, she can if she is more comfortable doing that.

I would continue to medium chill her, be polite when you see her and if she is rude, excuse yourself and walk away.  I wouldn't bother responding to her or asking her about anything she has said or done.  It will only lead to more drama.  Have strong boundaries in place, I've found the most important thing is to stand up for myself but not react.  The reaction seems to be what they want.  You don't need to be friends but if you living close and your kids are interacting every day then medium chill would be easier than NC, be polite but keep your distance.

Good luck, its not easy.

[treesgrowslowly]

Their goal, in my opinion, is to upset everyone around them and then the codependent people in their lives will blame themselves for feeling upset.

The PD does this without a care in the world. To them this is what being with people is all about. It is about getting reactions out of people and upsetting people.

And denying it the whole time.

I give these people as little information as possible about who I am and what I'm up to. They go after everyone who cares about our own friendships. They wreak havoc in families. It can take years for family members to realize this is her pattern and she is manipulating people. Hopefully your BIL can see through this. A lot of people spend years feeling confused about how manipulated they were. We blame ourselves for a PD gaslighting us. It sucks.

Sorry.

Trees

[relika]

Thank you so much for your insight. You've helped me put the situation in perspective, shed some light on what exactly she is doing.

@Starboard Song
This is indeed what's going on.
We live next to each other (my inlaws, BiL and his PD wife and their 2 kids) and see each other almost daily. At school, on the street, family gatherings, etc. My husband doesn't want to move and me neither, so I guess we're stuck with her.
At this point, I do not want to make amends, since I know I will never be enough for her and there will always be something wrong with me. It tires me out.
I chose to stay as neutral as possible towards her, only polite greeting, and now it is backfiring. I have to stay strong and don't let her actions get to me, and keep on doing what I was doing. This is my boundary, whether she likes it or not. Do you think that this boundary is too strong? It is an extremely limited form of contact.

@Hilltop

All of her drama indeed comes from things that she doesn't tolerate. At first I was her scapegoat, and now she's after my husband as well. It makes me so angry. She wants us to change. It's disrespectful and rude.
I will try not to react. This is a tough ride 

@treesgrowslowly

Yes, the reaction is what she thrives on. Everyone is to blame, except her. I'm slowly coming Out of the FOG, and my husband is, too. My inlaws do not want to see it most of the time, but they can't pretend nothing is wrong anymore. Her manipulations have become more obvious. My BiL is still very much in the fog, unfortunately. He can tolerate a lot from her, but what has to happen before he has had enough?   

[scattered_78]

Yeah, that's a thing.

A pattern I've seen IRL and here is that people start trimming their relationship with PD person. Don't talk politics. Stop talking about food choices. Stop discussing hobbies. Stop discussing home investment decisions. The relationship gets thinner and thinner as we trim away that which causes angst.

I'm heading this way with MIL.  You describe it really well, the relationship has dwindled to being civil as I have withdrawn from her.  I said to my DH recently, I wonder if she notices and is wondering what is wrong.  DH is pretty sure she has noticed, but will be blaming me for being too busy/too stressed etc (and so it is nothing she has said or done). 
Bizarrely though, I have noticed she is withdrawing from my eldest DS (he's 11).  She used to email him a lot, send him postcards and so on.  He dutifully replies to her emails but she's really slowed down in her contact with him.  Her latest postcard was addressed to our youngest DS only.  Don't know what's going on there.