Processing anger and shame

[HeadAboveWater]

Hi, all! As I dive in here, I first want to say that, while I have been a less frequent poster of late, I am so thankful for this community. One of the reasons I have become quieter is that my relationships are basically going well. I had no idea that learning better boundaries could be literally life changing. Thank you.

I am writing today to ask for advice on releasing past conflicts and disappointments.

Recently I felt moved to Google two people from my past. One was an ex-boyfriend. We had a tumultuous on-again-off-again relationship for a year that was full of manipulation and dishonesty. (Thanks, low self-esteem and co-dependence, for setting me up for that awfulness!) I never missed him or yearned to rekindle contact. In fact, I hated the man. That hate allowed him to live rent-free in my brain, which may have been part of my motivation to Google this guy. First I found out that one of his business partners is suing him. Then I found a drunk driving arrest. Then I found an arrest for first-degree domestic abuse against his wife. I had though that if I uncovered such information that I would somehow feel better, vindicated. Instead, I turned it on myself. I wanted to be indifferent, not to care so much. I mourned for my past self who was so fragile that it felt like dating an unethical, dangerous man was better than being alone. 

Then I Googled a former student who is now an adult. This student and his family were so difficult that I ended the school year literally traumatized. (I imagine my other students were also traumatized by some of this child's behavior.) I kept trying to communicate, as tactfully as I could, to my administration and the parents that we needed to put some limits and a behavior intervention plan in place. The child was so sneaky and the mother so charismatic, however, that no one allowed me to escalate the situation. I subsequently felt like a bad teacher for complaining so much and for privileging my frustration over the social-emotional well being of an adolescent. I lost my job, in part, because of how I interacted with this family. Even though my colleagues rallied behind me and tried their best to say I had handled an impossible situation admirably, I always thought I must have screwed up royally if my boss believed it was worth firing me.

Well, according to Google, that former student was arrested and indicted on a first-degree felony charge earlier this year. The birthday and geographic location in the court records match, so I am certain it is the same person. 

I am caught up in a cycle of shame and negative self talk over what I think I should feel right now. I am ashamed for caring enough to Google these people. I am still ashamed that I did not do more to fight their awful influences over my life when we were interacting in person. I am ashamed for wanting bad things to befall these men and for Googling to see if that was, indeed, the case. They have been out of my life for years, and I feel like I should be moving on, which also makes me feel badly about myself. (In fact, I once had a therapist remark on how I should have moved on from my past job loss.)

While I hardly think there's "one weird trick" for letting the past go, I am curious about your experiences. What has helped you to process your feelings, feel less ashamed, and stop caring?

[Hepatica]

Dear HeadAboveWater,

Please don't ever stop caring. I don't think of this as a weakness or a flaw. It is a massive strength and if you think about it, it is the thread, or glue that keeps a community, even a society, or world, functioning.

And you have to be a little curious to wonder about an experience that hurt you. Anyone with the regular amount of self-reflection would wonder, was it me, or was it them? You needed to know more. So you Googled. You didn't Google to make contact and bring them back into your life. You just followed what must be normal curiosity to see if the feelings you had about them were right. AND YOU WERE RIGHT!!  I think that's amazing.

I think there are few people who don't run into a disordered predatorial type of person, or people in our lives. And many of us date them or marry them.  Because information on this is really only going mainstream now with good books on it and social media, how would many of us know how to protect ourselves? Who teaches about the red flags of narcs or cluster B's out there? Who tells us that these type love bomb and move fast and have incredible charm? I fell for two of them before I met my (non-disordered) husband. It took me awhile, since I grew up with narcs to even learn to back away from these guys before I gave my heart.

Now you can sit back and tell yourself that none of what happened in the past was your fault. You ran into some disorder and got hurt. I'm sorry that happened to you, but that was not your fault.

I'm glad you found this out. There's no need to feel shame about it at all. I honestly think that kind of need to know is built in as a safety mechanism to alert a group to someone who is dangerous and to teach others about what to avoid.

[Free2Bme]

HeadAboveWater,

It's good to hear that you have had success with boundaries and relationships, this is encouraging. 

I'll share something my T has said to me on several occasions.  "What will you gain my feeling bad about xyx, does it benefit you/others, does it change what happened if you are hard on yourself about it."  This sounds simplistic to me and even a bit dismissive or minimizing.  But when I am aware that I am going down this thought process I now catch myself and ask these questions.  If the answer is 'Nothing is better if I do this", then I try to turn my thoughts to something that I have control over, that will effect some change.  I still struggle, but it helps to recalibrate me.
 

When I think of bad decisions I made at 20yo I feel ashamed, this is my 50yo brain scolding my 20yo self.  It is impossible to have the wisdom/maturity at 20 that I have at 50, unrealistic.  Some of my bad choices might not have been avoided, there were things I never knew existed like personality disorders.  It is painful to reflect and think of all the "what-if's", what if I had listened to the red flags and not married my H?  I am guilty of it and I'm trying to break the habit, it only hinders me.  For me, its about reigning in my thoughts.

You cared for these people at one point in your life, and you invested in them.  They have free will to run their life into a ditch, that is sad.  These men made their own choices, and would have done so with or without you.  You are only responsible for ONE heart, your own. 
Do you have children?  Imagine what you would tell your child or a close friend if they felt this way.  Then take your own advice, it is probably good!

You are who you are because of what you have experienced.  We grow in times of adversity and trial.  This forum is full of people that have struggled too, you are not alone.  These are the same people that have so much to offer others, even total strangers here on these boards. 

Take every moment captive, time is precious.  Be good to yourself 

[1footouttadefog]

No shame.

If they are still in your headspace they are part of who you are and need dealt with.

You can find validation in reading about their failures without wishing them harm or feeling glad.

Validation is knowing you were right and there was a problem with these guys.

You were not the only person for whom they were difficult either. 

There are facts and there are feelings they dont have to be added together into any equation.  The facts include that  these guys had issues.  You feelings regarding the facts dont change theor reality.


I think it is a posotive thing thst you are processing your feelings about these past relationships.  Unloading unmerited guilt and baggage is freeing and healing.

Its also appropriate to grieve the fact you lost a job over the interactions with the student and his family.  Its no small matter that your co workers stood with you, that has to be validating. 

Stay strong and keep up the good work dealing with past trauma.

[HeadAboveWater]

Thank you all for taking the time to write such thoughtful responses. Your perspectives and encouragement have been so valuable.