Ignoring achievements

[JollyJazz]

Just another of the many things they do is ignore achievements, or downplay them.

In my family I feel like there is no recognition of any of my achievements. My family was / is a very male focussed place. I feel like all the emphasis went on things my brothers did. I grew up feeling unseen, like I barely existed, like an extra in my own life.

I want to find people that like and appreciate me as I am.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Do find those people, Jollyjazz!  You deserve that.  We all do. 

I've heard real love is wishing for and rejoicing in all good things for the other person.  That takes getting out of yourself, something pwPDs find hard to do.

[Hilltop]

Jollyjazz it's tough.  I have come to believe that they can't recognize achievements because then it wouldn't fit into the narrative they tell themselves.  I was the scapegoat and I have seen the way my mother almost seems confused when I do something that is the opposite of her belief of me.  She came over to my house a couple of years back and the house was clean - oh that was just luck.  I bought a house on my own after saving up for the deposit myself and my parents told me "You'll fall flat on your face, this is going to end badly, you don't know what you are doing".   Everyone else was high fiving me saying "awesome". 

My MIL is very big on male achievements as well.  The females in the family are ignored but the males no matter what they do are worshipped.  I think it's how she was raised.

Like and appreciate yourself,  you are worth it.

[Hepatica]

Dear jollyjazz,

It's so true, they ignore achievement or they downplay, or worse they undermine you. Realizing that was when I truly started to wake up to the topsy turvy world of my family in comparison to what I saw in my friend's lives who had healthy, supportive families. I started to see that they wanted me below them, not in an equal position, and certainly not in a higher one.

It was when I had received a really big achievement in my life, about six years ago now and I zipped over to my sister's house so happy and knocked and went in to share it. I was so so happy. She sat there across from me on her couch and her mask just fell off. She looked like she was going to start crying and then she said something like, "I wish I could have that but I can't do anything with all this pain in my life..." She continued on for an hour not acknowledging my achievement but talking about her pain and isolation and horrible life until I was literally going into counselling mode to help her feel better.

It wasn't like I had any other achievements! I am not a braggart. And she was doing pretty darn well. She has this massive mansion and lots of money, two healthy kids and a husband who dotes on her. She has a lot but if I got anything at all she went ultra petty and drew the attention back to herself. I walked out of her house that day feeling depressed and not even happy about my achievement anymore.

I started to wake up and when I had another achievement after that where she told me I looked old when i went up to the podium. I then had her number. She is a petty waif style narcissist and beneath her mask she is riddled with envy and fear of the abandonment of her narcissistic supply.

My parents are the same. Mention an achievement and instead of being happy they raised a child who is finding success they go absolutely silent. They completely ignore it because they cannot stand other people having happiness or joy. It makes them realize the life they had created for themselves.

[Maxtrem]

Many of us have experienced this. When I finished university I was told that I would not find a job. I went to a few interviews that I didn't get back and my uBPDm told me that it was because I was so immature, the proof was that I wasn't helping her enough and that employers were able to perceive that in an interview  !! In fact, I found an excellent job in less than 2 weeks and 5 interviews and I was selected out of 64 candidates. What is strange today is that today I have a lot of success, but I don't get any real satisfaction out of it.     

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's so true, they ignore achievement or they downplay, or worse they undermine you. Realizing that was when I truly started to wake up to the topsy turvy world of my family in comparison to what I saw in my friend's lives who had healthy, supportive families. I started to see that they wanted me below them, not in an equal position, and certainly not in a higher one.

Yes!!! I became a housewife with a better financial position than my parents had and had more children than they did. I was always aware than they were jealous of these things. What I wasn't aware of was not so much that they wanted what I had, is that they didn't want ME to have them. They were furious that I had a good life, even though they would have never admitted it.

They loved to criticize my housekeeping, parenting, etc.

When I tried to start a business, my mother actively undermined me. She badmouthed my business ability and my product to my potential clients and praised a similar business. She didn't think she would get caught. But yes this event was a big wake up call.

In school I was very high achieving. I was never praised for a good report card or A, because, "We know that's what you're capable of." They reacted as if I wanted a cookie for getting dressed in the morning. It was merely expected that I be top of the class. If I got a bad grade, it was the teacher's fault.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Looking2bFree, Hilltop, Hepatica, Maxtrem, CallmeCordelia,
Thanks for your thoughts!

Looking to be free-

I've heard real love is wishing for and rejoicing in all good things for the other person. 

This is so true isn't it!
I'm definitely going to look out for this one 🙂
I've had some friends encourage me for the work I'm doing in my new job...it feels so nice having that encouragement and validation!
At the moment my parents are just mainly ignoring me. I feel like my work achievements aren't really recognized.

I've found my siblings seem noticably happier when bad things happen, and can be quite hostile to things going well. I feel like this has affected me in the sense that I feel like I'm 'too much' and don't deserve good things happening to me.

Hilltop-

I bought a house on my own after saving up for the deposit myself and my parents told me "You'll fall flat on your face, this is going to end badly, you don't know what you are doing".   Everyone else was high fiving me saying "awesome".

That is a great achievement. How cruel that they could say that to you! I'll send you a high five too!

Hepatica-
Wow, I'm sorry that you had to go through that as well! It's so normal to want to share excitement at an achievement!

I started to wake up and when I had another achievement after that where she told me I looked old when i went up to the podium. I then had her number

That's shocking! Thanks for sharing your experiences too. I do have a (personal) theory that PDs are much more prone to envy. It's so nasty to say something about your appearance on your special day of achievement of all your hard work! I had a horrid aunt like that, I've distanced myself from her now!

Maxtrem-

When I finished university I was told that I would not find a job. I went to a few interviews that I didn't get back and my uBPDm told me that it was because I was so immature, the proof was that I wasn't helping her enough and that employers were able to perceive that in an interview  !! In fact, I found an excellent job in less than 2 weeks and 5 interviews and I was selected out of 64 candidates

Wow! Good on you ☺️ sometimes I wonder if a 'silver lining' of being the family workhorses/scapegoats is that we end up with good work ethics. We also tend to be focused on getting along with others and that helps at work too!

CallmeCordelia,

They were furious that I had a good life, even though they would have never admitted it.

They loved to criticize my housekeeping, parenting, etc.

When I tried to start a business, my mother actively undermined me. She badmouthed my business ability and my product to my potential clients and praised a similar business. She didn't think she would get caught. But yes this event was a big wake up call.

Wow, that is just shocking. I guess the one 'good' thing is seeing what they are up to... trying to make us feel as so we don't shine so much (and they feel better). What incredible selfishness from the people who are meant to care for us most. Not just neglect, but active cruelty.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts all. I've resolved to a) be kind to myself, praise myself for achievements, even little things!, b) keep reaching for the stars, looking after myself, c) keeping a wary eye out for and walking away from bad treatment and d) surrounding myself with kind and positive people!

[frogjumpsout]

JollyJazz, I believe the DSM criteria for NPD include a line about envying others and believing others envy them! 

Sorry about what happened to everyone here. You all deserve and deserved accolades and in general much more than you received.

I once won a national award and my NM pretended it hadn't happened when she next saw me -- spent all her time praising a friend's daughter who had just had a baby. It was subtle, though, so even my partner wasn't sure she'd done on purpose. I'm pretty sure now.

[JollyJazz]

Yes, I'm so sure about the envy thing. One thing I do is a certain kind of outdoor adventure, I had one friend who got very strange and looked downright angry if I mentioned I had done certain kinds of adventurous trips. I realised later it was envy, she said and did some really mean things, and eventually I got some distance.

I once won a national award and my NM pretended it hadn't happened when she next saw me -- spent all her time praising a friend's daughter who had just had a baby.

Oh wow, what an achievement!!!!!! Imagine not acknowledging it happened!!!! Shocking. And yes I definitely think that was on purpose too, talking about someone else in that way while ignoring you, what a classic. I hope you have kind people around you that celebrate your achievements 😊

[frogjumpsout]

Thanks very much, JollyJazz! NM ruined that particular thing for me for a long time, despite the nice people who congratulated me -- but eventually this event showed me who she was, so maybe it was worth it.

I admire all your outdoor adventures!! (I wish I had the skill and bravery. I went diving exactly twice, more than 10 years ago, and my friends are real tired of my reminiscing.)

[Lisa]

Just here to say I get it, my achievements have been ignored, dismissed and met with anger.

I can remember in high school Mom getting angry at me for winning school president.  She said I was doing too much and she told me I had to drop out (I didn't).

I remember getting honours and into university and her taking ownership for it --- all of her hard work, look what she did etc.

The first month I started my own business, I remember telling her it was a slow start and she said "when are you just going to give up"?! 
Then when my business became more successful she began making sarcastic comments about "must be nice to have so much money" and also began directly asking for me to give her some of my money.  "your poor old mom, when are you going to give her some of that money".

I like to travel and for years she has told me "that's enough" "you've already done too much" "you've done enough" and tried to convince me to cancel trips.  When I haven't listened to her insults and flat out requests for me to cancel trips then she began inviting herself along on the trips... she even invited herself on my honeymoon, no lie!  And loves to tell me that I HAVE to plan a trip for the two of us to go on, she checks in often about this and is always disappointed that I haven't planned it yet.

This weekend was the closing date on my new house in a new country, which of course has gone completely unrecognized.

[Hepatica]

Lisa,

Congratulating you on all of your achievements. Your mother is definitely envious and I'm happy for you that you had enough self-protection that it never stopped you. Something in you knew she was wrong. Can't wait to hear how your move goes and how it feels to get that physical distance.

My mother always set the bar low for both me and my sister. If she was bad at math, then we were bad at math. Both she and my father expected us to be office workers at the most. My sister was a born actor and beaten down to such a degree that she never followed what was her true gift. I sometimes wonder if much of her attention seeking and hypochondria could have been avoided if she had channelled it into what she was gifted at: acting. Makes me sad.

My mother viewed everything from her perspective and did not try to see her children as they were. I was a born animal lover, I think bc the dog we had growing up was the only being in the house that showed me empathy and love. I sort of imprinted on dogs. Later in life when I had my own house and $$, I told my mother I was getting a dog and she yelled at me not to get one, because they tie you down. I didn't listen and now I have two dogs and they bring me unconditional love and pure joy.

Screw them for trying to squelch our dreams in terms of accomplishment and joy and quality of life.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Frogsjumpout, Lisa and Hepatica!

Frogsjumpout, thanks for your kind words about my outdoors adventures. It's a part of my life that I truly love and I feel at one with nature 💕
Yes - I know what you mean about silver linings from people showing you how they are.
I hope you have nice people around you now who celebrate your achievements!

Lisa,
Yikes this is awful. I'm sorry that you went through this. I'm glad that you did well at University and your business went well!
I also had to deal with similar minimising of academic achievements that I work too hard, never positivity. And taking credit! And pity play!
Oh my goodness and the criticism for travelling too! Yikes.
Congrats on your new house. Lovely. I hope you have people that support you in this ☺️
Hepatica, good on you for listening to your heart on getting your dogs! I'm sorry to hear that your mother would so aggressively try to control your personal choices in that way

[SparkStillLit]

Hi,
Everything I did got minimized as well. Academic achievements, career goals, EVERYTHING. Sadly and stupidly, I married into this as well.
I just scored the highest on a continuing education test of anyone who has EVER taken the test. Updh didn't even say anything. My work people are proud and happy for me. The test's creator and the research principal investigator behind the classes and such is super impressed.
And here's a weird one. My mother always minimized everything, but then when telling friends, she would make up completely bizarre job titles for me that she thought sounded good (because whatever I was doing was not good enough or glamorous enough). They were always long and cobbled a lot of whack stuff together. Like Emergency Air Traffic Medical Dispatch Helicopter Controller. Yeah. Yikes. No. My job is quite exciting enough, thanks. (I don't do it anymore. I did for a VERY long time. She NEVER got it right. She mingled up every nutty mishmash of that you can think of. Air. Medical. Dispatcher. Three words. It's not difficult. It doesn't need fixing up.)

[JollyJazz]

Hi SparkstillLit,

I just scored the highest on a continuing education test of anyone who has EVER taken the test.

Wow!!! Awesome achievement! Congratulations!!! 😊

The OTT job titles is another sneaky way of belittling / minimising / making fun IMO. My guess is your job title DOES sound impressive enough, she's trying to make you think (she thinks) it isn't.

Interestingly my M also minimised a high profile job I got recently - she asked if my appointment was announced via press release (no one's is and she knows this) and other than that she has TOTALLY ignored what I'm doing. Other friends have said they are very proud of me which helps a lot 🦋 I've put so much into earning this career. Much in my life isn't what I'd like (trauma from their abuse sure didn't help) but I earned my career despite many obstacles.

Good on you too! 😊

[Jolie40]

yes jolly jazz.....saw the ignoring by PD parent, also

they'd seek advice from GC brother on specific topic & made sure to tell me about it (another dig)
yet I'm the one with the degree in that specific topic, not him

GC brother apparently knows everything, lol

[SparkStillLit]

THAT TOO! Also making a huuuuuuuge deal when GC bro did shift work...I did 12 hr shifts for NINE YEARS and never a peep, but he does them for a few months and it's a big huge to do. And yes, let's not get started on my current job (I even have "letters" after my name now, not my degree, I just have a bachelors, but my licensure). She makes a mess out of that, too. NOTHING is ever of note.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Jolie40 and SparkstillLit,

Sorry to hear this 😞 it's horrible to hear about the golden child comparison.

Uggh, I know what that's like too. I was the scapegoat and I remember my mother just brushing off the fact I had just read a 1000 page book (for fun).

Hope you have good people around you to encourage you

The thing is - they make a point not to acknowledge what we do well - but it secretly really annoys them, hence the attempts to lash out.

Okay -this is a bit naughty of me - but I still don't think it hurts to tell them about our achievements😉 And here I don't think I'm being so pure of heart here when I know it just winds them up 😉 lol

[SparkStillLit]

It really irks the crap out of my mother because GC bro is not at all successful. Not at ALL. It irks updh because though he actually HAS been successful, he can't perceive it that way and he is a self sabotager. Or he will torpedo whatever is going well in typical PD fashion.
So you are right, they are fully irked by this stuff.